First off, let me just state one thing very loudly and very clearly.

I HATE ACTION GROUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, here is my latest reason why.

For warm up in today’s action group we were to list one thing we were PASSIONATE about. The group listed off their things and it came around to me. I said I was passionate about traveling.

Now, for those that don’t know me all that well, traveling is a HUGE love. Road trips, plane trips, boat trips…it doesn’t matter where I am going the fun is in getting there. Some of my best memories are from traveling around the world with my Boyz, visiting all the weird and wonderful tourist things, finding not so normal things…you name it…I love culture, history, & tourists traps all the same.

After warm up Cathy (therapist) and Brandy (therapist) asked the group who wanted to do some work on whatever they picked. I didn’t say a word, I didn’t really want to work on mine, I didn’t see the need for it. Then “Ms Toxic” (who’s passion was her husband & kids) said “I would like to work on mine” so Cathy & Brandy & “Ms Toxic” started talking about what a normal day in the household is like. “Ms Toxic” described this past Sunday’s events. She had meetings with some clients in the afternoon, and before she left the house she had started the laundry and had asked her husband to change it over into the dryer when it was done. She came home 4 hours later and the laundry hadn’t been changed over. She got pissed off at her husband, so she threw a quiet fit (slamming the door of the dryer, etc.) to show her unhappiness and her husband just continued to watch nascar on tv, drink beer and eat chips like no one was home. She then took out her laptop computer and started to finish a presentation for the clients she was just working with all afternoon. When he went upstairs to go to bed, she asked him to take stuff up with him. He took his empty cans and dishes upstairs. He didn’t touch the heaping full laundry basket that was right in front of the stairs. She threw another quiet fit, and carried it upstairs herself (she has a very bad back and arthritis so heavy things are hard for her to handle) and proceeded to put away all the laundry before going to bed.

So, there’s the basis for the skit. With one messed up twist, I mean c’mon, this is psychotherapy, nothing can be easy *sighs*. Ms Toxic was to play her husband in the drama, and she had to nominate someone to play her. This is where I come into the picture. She picked me. Everyone in the room laughed because they all know the history of fighting with her that I have. I just went “awww crap” (in my mind...not outloud) because I HATE ACTING and tried to remember everything she had said she did.

The skit starts with me coming in the “door”, putting my purse and briefcase down, and walking “downstairs” to the basement to see my “husband” sitting in the chair watching TV. I went into the “laundry room” to check the dryer to see if stuff was dry for me to start folding, and then I realize he hadn’t changed it from the washing machine yet. I changed the laundry over to the dryer and “slammed” the dryer door by picking up the chair that was the “laundry room” and banging it on the floor and I heaved a huge sigh. I then walked into the other room where my “husband” was watching TV and didn’t say a word to him, I just glared at him and muttered under my breath and sighed some more. I picked up my “laptop” (aka my backpack *lol*) and started pounding on the keys. My "husband" still hasn’t said a word to me, and I haven’t said a word to him even though we have been apart the whole day. (I looked over at Ms Toxic at this point and she was sobbing quietly). I got up and took the laundry out of the dryer and started folding it (I used Kleenex as something to fold) and I put it in the laundry basket which I left right in front of the “stairs”. My “husband” then got up and said “I am going to bed” and started to walk “upstairs” and I stopped him by saying “please take some of this stuff with you” so he came back and grabbed his cans and dishes and made a huge production of leaping over the heaping full laundry basket before going “upstairs”.

Cathy then stopped the skit and asked us all to pull our chairs into a circle. Ms Toxic was sobbing, I was angry, the rest of the room was quiet. Brandy then asked me how it felt to “be” Ms Toxic. I said it wasn’t all that uncomfortable, because for the longest time, that is how I went about getting my needs/wants met. I would slam around and heave sighs left and right instead of asking someone for help. Cathy looked at me, smiled, and said “so, instead of asking someone to show you some care, you felt you needed to act out and ruin the chance of a positive interaction?”…and I couldn’t answer the question…because that is EXACTLY what I used to do.

Brandy then asked Ms Toxic what it was like to “be” her husband and see things from his perspective. Ms Toxic said she was pissed off at me for portraying her so badly and for over dramatizing things. I was shocked, ok, not really, but I was surprised she actually got mad about it. Cathy asked her why she was mad at me when to all accounts, I acted out word for word what she said. I didn’t say a word. Ms Toxic then said “well, things aren’t like that!!” which is messed up because that’s what she told us they were like *bangs head*

Ms Toxic then goes on to say she is still pissed off at her husband because she feels he should simply see the things that need doing and do them. She shouldn’t have to ask him to. She shouldn’t have to demand for help. She shouldn’t have to beg for affection. Cathy then asked “when did your husband become a mind reader?” and to that Ms Toxic had no logical reply.

I jumped back in and said “ok, this I can relate to. As I said earlier, I used to act like Ms Toxic, I used to feel so angry that my needs and wants weren’t being met, I used to act out my anger in ways that were unhealthy and counter productive to getting what I really wanted/needed. I am making an effort now, and it, for me, has to be a completely focused conscious effort, to ask people for what I need/want from them. The hardest part for me in accepting this is that I somehow feel that the love and care I want from that person is being diminished because I have to ASK for it. If he really loved me, if he really cared about me, he would just DO these things. Wrapping my brain around the fact that my partner is not a mind reader and does not know exactly what I want or need has been a struggle. But it has been a worthwhile struggle. I am now learning that I really do only have to ask for what I need/want once and then he will simply volunteer to do things because he knows that I appreciate his efforts and value his help.”

Brandy & Cathy both beamed huge “I am so proud of you” smiles at me. Ms Toxic sputtered in her self twisted ridiculous indignation and said “was I supposed to learn something from that?” and at that point all I could do was attempt to be the bigger person. I have made an oath to myself that I will not allow her to wind me up anymore. I will not allow her to demean or diminish me anymore. So, in keeping with the promise I made to myself, I simply looked at her, smiled, and said thank you for allowing me to work with you on this Ms Toxic, I have learned something today, and I have reaffirmed for myself that I am now on a path toward healthier relationships.”