The Little Things

Today I learned, ok, well, TRIED to learn, the value of little things.

It was so harmless it didn’t even strike me as monumentally impacting.

Today at group we all decided to “go out” for lunch to this little Italian bistro restaurant place which is about 2 blocks away from the hospital. I mean really, lunch at an Italian restaurant…seems totally innocent right?

WRONG.

I walked into this restaurant and it smelled just like Mark’s mom’s kitchen used to smell when she had spent the day doing her brilliance in the kitchen (damn that woman could cook!) when we were having a family get together, or just a simple meal all together.

So, I get over my intial “OMG memory” moment and sit down. I open my menu and there I find “Italian Sandwich” highlighted and displayed as the lunch special. Now, this sandwich was Mark’s mom’s specialty. It takes patience to make it tastes like the best thing you’ve ever eaten and she never failed. It’s an Italian sandwich on crusty bread filled with salami, pepperoni, ham, mozza cheese, pizza sauce, spicy red pepper pesto sauce and then any veggies you like.

So, giving into temptation I order one. It shows up at my table and I take a bite. Again, seems ohhh so harmless right? WRONG. I dunno what the hell is wrong with me lately, but every time I turn around I am being besieged with memories of Mark and the Boyz and their families and I always end up in tears…and it’s not a pretty cry either.

So, as I am face down on the table SOBBING my freekin eyes out, THE song comes over the speakers. Swear to gawd I thought I was going to die. This song was one of Mark’s FAVORITE thug-chico-wanna-be songs. I haven’t heard it since he was killed. It is on my MP3 player, but every time I think my player is getting close to that song I hit forward, forward, forward to make it go away.

The Song - Knockturnal - Muzik

I spent the morning in group talking about my Boyz and how unique and important each of them were to me. I wanted to go have lunch with some friends from group and just have some laughs and unwind to get ready for the afternoon but NOOOOOOOOOO fate is just to damn cruel.

*sighs*

Satna heard about my…display…in the group after lunch and she worked with me for over 45 minutes to help me recognize and understand that the memories I have of them are the little things that I have to treasure and welcome when they decide to appear.

Sorry, but I am just not there yet. I am still wayyyyyyyy to raw to welcome the memories that still seem more like nightmares.