I Believe

What a journey I have been on. Despite hating everyone I feel is responsible for making me go through this I am now somewhat grateful for my experience. I wish with my entire being that my Boyz were alive and safe again, but that will never be my reality. This trip to Jasper was about starting to accept that. I think I actually accomplished that.

I woke up on Saturday morning, showered and ate breakfast with Lance, packed the car, and I was off. I turned up my tunes, turned my cell phone off, and starting talking to my friends. At first I felt like a complete moron for having this animated conversation with invisible people but once I got into the swing of it I really let myself go. I told them everything I’ve ever wanted them to know. I yelled and screamed at them for dying. I re-lived some of the stupid funny moments I shared with them. I drove through small towns and sobbed like a hysterical mad woman in front of warped statues. I stopped at the Wal-Mart in Hinton and bought 5 helium filled balloons and attached messages to each of them.

I pulled into Jasper about 5 hours after I left home and registered at my hotel. I dropped my bags off and hopped back into the car to go to The Rock. I had about 4 hours of daylight left. I went to Maligne Canyon and started the hike down to the rock carrying my Boyz’ urns and my balloons slipping and sliding down crooked jagged iced over terrain. I made it down to The Rock and I wish I could show you how beautiful it was. The water was still rushing madly but ice had formed on the edges of the Canyon and was starting to solidify on top of the water. The sunlight danced across the brilliant blues. One perfect ray of sunshine was shining across The Rock. No one else was around. I was totally alone in this somewhat tamed part of the wilderness.

I curled up in the ray of sunshine on The Rock and slowly and finally grieved for each of the wonderful men that I lost. I openly addressed them individually and released their balloons and their ashes. I watched them dance in the wind and I listened to the trees whisper. It was a peaceful moment for me and I knew I was finally coming out of the chaos that my life had become since I have lost them.

As I was releasing Toby’s balloon and ashes I got totally busted by two Park Wardens. Not only was I off the marked and guard rail path, I was “littering” in a Government Park, as I was informed by the Wardens, I was also looking at a $10,000 fine. I figured if I was looking at the fine I would at least finish what I came there to do so I finished my goodbye to Toby and released him to the wind and watched him dance through the trees. I then gave my attention to the Wardens.

I came off The Rock quietly crying and hugging their urns tightly to me. The Wardens must’ve thought I was either seriously insane or really just broken. They asked me (again) what I was doing so I explained what I was doing and why. I gave them all of my personal information and turned my back on them while they debated on whether to ticket me or not. I wanted to watch the sun set. I needed to watch their ashes find their resting places. I needed to watch their balloons dance through the trees and fly. I didn’t care about a ticket. I knew when I went there that what I was doing was illegal. I simply didn’t care.

I must’ve struck something in one of the Wardens because he just kept telling me he was sorry for my loss. He must’ve had seniority over the other one because all that ended up happening was they helped me climb back up the trail to the parking lot and made sure I made it to the highway safely. I am grateful for that.

I went back to my hotel and spent the night curled up on the patio of my room watching the stars flicker across the lake and just sat silently remembering every moment of my life that included them. I let my heart dictate my time and I gave it what it needed.

I have started to accept my new reality without them. I also know that they are watching over me. I know I will see them again. I believe.

Diamond Rio – I Believe.

Every now and then soft as breath upon my skin

I feel you come back again

And it’s like you haven’t been gone a moment from my side,

Like the tears were never cried,

Like the hands of time were pulling you and me.



And with all my heart I’m sure we’re closer than we ever were,

I don’t have to hear or see I’ve got all the proof I need.

There are more than angels watching over me



I believe

Oh I believe



Now when you die and life goes on,

It doesn’t end here

When you’re gone every soul has found a flight

It never ends if I’m right.



Our love can even reach across eternity.



I believe

Oh I believe



Forever you’re a part of me,

Forever in the heart of me,

I will hold you even longer if I can.

Oh the people, who don’t see the most,

See that I believe in ghosts.

If that makes me crazy then I am



Cuz I believe

Oh I believe



There are more than angels watching over me.



I believe

Oh I believe



Every now and then soft as breath upon my skin,

I feel you come back again

And I believe.

On a different, today when I got home Lance and I decided it was time to get our house festive. We put up our Xmas lights outside and we put up our Xmas tree. We are still searching for the perfect lit up lawn ornament, but in the meantime, here are a few pictures.