I Refuse

~Marilyn Manson - (S)aint~

I refuse to be defined by one very small part of who I am as a whole.

I refuse to be defined by my sexual preferences.

I refuse to be defined by what someone else on my household appliance tells me is acceptable or unacceptable behavior.

I refuse to live my life according to what a website states is the appropriate way to live.

I confuse many people, annoy many others, and exasperate the rest of them.



I question what I believe to be insincere, inaccurate, misleading, or simply fantasy fabricated bullshit.

I challenge people who play games with themselves and with others. I challenge ideas, thoughts, view points, and beliefs because that is I how learn about MY life. It is how I learn to better MYSELF. I am not here to save the world. I am here to save myself. Selfish? Most definitely. Realistic? Most definitely.

I have a voice that I am not afraid to use.

I have an opinion that I am not afraid to state.

I have viewpoints that may conflict when examined as a whole instead of individually.

I do not claim to have all the answers or know everything, but I do have a healthy dose of common sense mixed with an above average intelligence that I rely upon.

I don’t understand people who cannot conduct themselves in a similar manner.

I truly don’t understand how people can become so wrapped up in something that is ultimately such a small part of them as a whole. Whether you want to be spanked, or do the spanking, ultimately you will only spend ONE percent of your life doing either of those things. Regardless of the “role” you identify with, I don’t understand why (or how) it can take over your entire life and become the only thing you are able to discuss or show any interest in.

WHY do people waste such a large amount of time proclaiming to be “this” or being so wrapped up in becoming “that” yet spend absolutely NO time in actually establishing who they truly are as a complete person? The only thing most of the people I have observed over the past few years are encouraged to grow past is their inhibitions. The girls with morals and common sense are pushed to become something they aren’t comfortable with because that is now accepted as the “standard behavior” and if you aren’t at least standard with every other submissive that means you certainly cannot be a part of this lifestyle. *rolls my eyes* When did it become acceptable to forgo emotional individual growth? when did it become acceptable to only feel release and closure of emotional pain through physical pain? What does that teach?

I don’t understand why my lifestyle choice has suddenly been taken over by the internet and all the many different elaborate fabrications of its roots. What do you think the Old Guard originating BDSM members did in the 1940’s and 1950’s when there were NO computers? They established a simple code of honor, ethics, credibility, responsibility, and maintainability. They did not run rampant through chat rooms getting collared to anything with a Dominant ID. They also held the members in their community accountable for their actions. Disrespect and misbehavior was dealt with accordingly. Dominants were labeled as such by the Dominants of the community, NOT by the submissives in attendance. As a Dominant you were not ALLOWED to “claim” anyone as “yours” until the Dominant community recognized you as able and healthy. As a submissive you were not allowed to approach a Dominant and seek attention unless you were specifically requested to do so from the Dominant. There was structure and guidelines. When did that change?

It seems to me that nothing within my lifestyle choice is credible anymore. I spend virtually no energy discussing my relationship within the lifestyle barriers because many of the people that I am trying to relate with have absolutely no knowledge of what living within this lifestyle full time 24/7 actually means. I have many friends on the internet that are involved in relationships with someone else online and while I am happy that they have found their one and that their relationships are flourishing I feel like I do not have the same issues they do. I can’t listen to their issues about missing their partners and then turn around and complain that I would love to have the simple ability TO miss mine. That strikes me as slapping someone across the face. Many of my friends would give almost anything they had to be able to have the ability to be with their chosen partners 24/7. I won’t insult them by stating that sometimes I wished I could be without mine.

When I first found “BDSM” online I was quite enamored with the whole idea. This was a forum for every kinky twisted pain seeking person in the world to join and discuss the similar situations and feelings we often find ourselves dealing with. It was a forum for discussion, learning, evolving, and growing. There has always been drama, players, and gossip, but as a whole I felt like I was part of something that was sincere and real. I now go into chat and simply watch with undisguised horrified amusement as all these emotionally broken attention seeking whore’s and these abusive inane power hungry men come together to form this elaborate heaping disaster.

I have watched this one twit collar herself and un-collar herself no less than 4 times this fall. Yes, FOUR months, FOUR men. I have watched the people in this chat room encourage and support her self destruction. I have watched her play her games and I have watched her get truly viscious to anyone that has the balls to tell her she is acting like a moron. When she isnt collared she is hell on wheels, when she is collared she puts on the front that she is the worlds best trained submissive. I truly don’t understand why all of that is acceptable and condonable behavior.

I recently joined a D/s discussion group that I thought was going to be about the challenges, concerns, questions, and other issues that come up within BDSM relationships. It is led by a couple who is, by all appearances, happy and committed while being involved 24/7. Instead it has become about the idiosyncrasies involved in the chat room. I have taken ALOT of flack from people who must really think themselves quite important because I had the balls to question the realitive functionality of the created forum.

I truly don’t understand why people waste so much time, energy and emotion on their household appliances. HOW can you allow yourself to become so invested in something that should ultimately be a hobby. I can guarantee you that 99% of my fellow “BDSM Community” are NOT in positions of authority (or adversely, they are NOT in positions of meekness and unquestioning acceptability) all day every day all the time. Everyone has a boss, everyone has rules and structure to follow and everyone has opinions and view points requested from them. Everyone has learned how to function (I hope…) in the reality of life. WHY is it acceptable to simply “turn off” reality and enter a chat room where real people with real feelings are going to get hurt?

The internet doesn’t teach people HOW to have relationships. It doesn’t teach people HOW to attract healthy, similar minded, motivated, encouraging people. All we have in chat rooms today is a bunch of seriously fucked up individuals feeding off of each others inadequacies, and now we have a forum to encourage them all to bolster their warped self images. How is that supposed to breed happiness and self value?

Part of the foundation of my lifestyle choice is tolerance. Everyone is going to enjoy different things. Everyone is going to react differently to the same stimuli. Am I becoming too jaded? Or am I right to no longer find the tolerance to deal with the complete breakdown of everything I respect and hold dear about my lifestyle choice?