What I have learned in 2006.

I’ve been trying to assimilate all of the knowledge I have gained over the past 12 months into something coherent and useful for me but I keep spinning. I have no idea where to start…I’ve decided to make it easier on myself. So, in no particular order…

What I have learned in 2006.

I learned a brand new way to think this year. Instead of catastrophic thinking, I actually learned how to assess, work through, evaluate and grow all on my own. I no longer need (or seek) outside sources to tell me what to be, how to be, what’s important, what’s valuable…nothing. I am now able to fully rely upon myself and while it feels foreign, I also feel a supreme sense of accomplishment.

I learned how to be kinder to myself. I did not realize how hard I was on myself and those around me. I have been able to become more honest with myself and those around me. While my view point is not always understood or respected, I am able to now express myself in ways that enable me to be heard. I no longer beat myself up about things that ultimately, are completely out of my control. I have learned that if I can’t fix it, save it, help it, or control it I just shouldn’t worry about it. Life has a wonderful way of balancing out.

I have learned how to “talk to myself” in ways that are healthy. Instead of doing the “dammit Kris, that was really fucking stupid, you total moron” routine in my brain I am now able to recognize almost instantly when I have made a decision that is going to have negative impact on me and change my course accordingly. I didn’t realize how much life requires minute adjustments. Making the changes that are necessary to change the impact on me has reaffirmed my self confidence.

I learned to take some time out for ME. I finally recognized how valuable time away from everything and everyone is. I can read, meditate, cross stitch, watch a movie, go for a walk, swim, get a pedicure…really anything that involves me doing things I enjoy, and feeling no guilt for doing them.

I have learned to value exercise. Working out and swimming is almost a spiritual event for me now. I am able to separate from “reality” and just immerse myself in action and sweat and allow my brain to go wherever it wishes. I’ve lost almost 40+ pounds since I started my “get active” routine and that definitely helps my self esteem and drive to continue.

I have learned to value introspection and to not be afraid of what the outcome of it will be. I used to think ‘what will I be IF I get past “this” or IF I get over “that”’ and now I am less concerned with the outcome and more concerned with the journey. I am no longer afraid of what I will BE when I let go of the things that are unhealthy, unproductive, or self sabotaging.

I have learned appreciation for the things the people in my life give me. If viewed from a healthy perspective everything is a gift. “You have let your resentment over shadow your gratitude.” When Noel said those words to me I felt like I had slid into a black hole. I pulled myself out of it though. Recognizing that I was just too angry and that I was intentionally throwing out or disregarded everything good and worthwhile people taught me, gave me, or showed me was an epiphany. I also learned how to fill my emptiness with worthwhile and valuable things.

I have learned forgiveness without understanding. This was one of the hardest things for me to tolerate out of all the growth I have done this year. Forgiving myself for all of the things that I know I have done incorrectly or with ill intentions has been harder than I ever thought it could be. This is still one of the most valuable things I learned this year though, because I now have a way to measure my thoughts/feelings about myself. I may not always understand WHY I did something but I am able to quit beating myself up about it.

I have learned that acceptance does not always mean understanding. I finally closed the chapter on my rape this year. I finally said all the things I have ever wanted to say, I worked though the mirage of different emotions surrounding it, and I have effectively moved past it. To heal I had to accept that the event happened, regardless of the fact that I will never understand why.

I have learned that understanding is not paramount to moving on, letting go, and ultimate happiness. This was a supreme effort for me. I am a person that inherently needs to understand everything. I used to focus so much on the problem that the solution could never be seen. In figuring out how to take a step back from the situation to analyze it I am finally able to see solutions and make healthy decisions accordingly. I am still working at becoming comfortable with the knowledge that not everything is going to make sense all of the time and that I can still accept those things.

I have learned ALL about loss. I have walked the thin line between enormous rage and un-sufferable grief for almost a year now. I am now somewhat able to treasure my memories of my Boyz and feel comfort and peace knowing that they are never truly that far away from me. I did not realize how much work I did on loss until my grandpa passed away Dec 5^th and I was able to go through the process of grieving without getting buried underneath it. I know that I now have the tools in place to effectively deal with painful things that are going to happen in life, for that I am so grateful.

I have learned that moving past something does not mean that you will never revisit that thing and feel some of the emotions you worked through. I am a very black and white type of person. Shades of grey rarely exist for long in my life. I naively assumed that once I had worked through something and found some inner peace with it that I would no longer have to think about that thing. Life doesn’t work that way.

I have learned about unhealthy attachments this year. “Christine, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” When Brennan said that to me I wanted to knock his block off. I was SO angry. I kept working through it though, and realized that the quality of attachments I form and the type of person/personality I form them with are such that I lose all personal responsibility and control. I made sure I had someone to blame if it all fell apart. I am now taking full responsibility of every relationship I establish.

I have learned what it feels like to be BROKEN. Anyone that knows me knows I protect the people that I love. In the past, I was not kind about it. I was not subtle about it. I would get right in your face and break you down until there was nothing left of you. I enjoyed it. I thrived on it…Until I learned what its like to have your soul ripped out and shoved down your throat. I learned what it’s like hearing words that intentionally hurt. Once upon a time, I gave up every shred of personal power and control I might’ve had and handed it ALL over without question. I used to make my friends my unqualified unwilling guides in my life. Taking back my personal power and establishing boundaries with people in my life has been a continuing challenge, but it is one I am making progress on and I feel happy with.

I have learned what it feels like to be HAPPY. Happiness always struck me as such a simple thing, yet I have never been able to attain it in its true form. Simple things never mattered to me. I am now able to recognize that life is ALL about the little things. It is kindness shown in a mirage of different ways. I am now making an effort to “put out” what I want to receive. Some days it’s a challenge, especially when I go into chat *smirks*, but on the whole, I think I am doing MUCH better than I was a year ago.

I have learned what it feels like to LOVE and be loved. This has been a really rough year on Lance & I. Somehow we have managed to come through it stronger, healthier, and happier. I am so grateful for my partner, lover, and best friend. We work on our relationship daily. We talk about everything under the sun all the time. We know exactly where the other stands in life, in our relationship, in our jobs, in everything. The closeness I feel to him and the true amount of caring and affection I feel for him is indesribable. I wish everyone could experience this type of love at least once in their lives.

I have learned how to healthily interact with people without manipulation, guilt, and mind games. I am now forming strong and true attachments with the people that matter to me, instead of trying to be someone to everyone. Realizing that no matter how hard I tried I was always going to let someone down enabled me to simply walk away from that whole game. I am now someone to the people that are somebody’s to me. The feeling of knowing that I have some REAL friendships that I can rely and depend on is priceless.

I have learned the true power of just LETTING GO. I have “let go” of a lot of things this year. Harmful people and things are no longer welcome in my life. I now search for (and mostly find) tranquility in different every day places. I feel peaceful when I am curled up in Lance’s arms. I feel happy when I am walking my puppy. I feel content with who I am, where I am going, and how I am getting there. I am truly starting to enjoy the journey of life now.

I wouldn’t wish the year I have had on anyone. Those of you that have been reading my blog since its conception know exactly what I am talking about, those of you that haven’t, well, lets just say that it’s been a rough one. While I wouldn’t wish this year on anyone, I would highly recommend everyone experience it at least once in their lives. I have never learned so much. At the end of the day, I am grateful.