NOT ENOUGH

It is really hard to fathom for me that it has been 1 year since I lost Mark and 8 months since I lost T, J, D, and M.

So much has happened to me and the world at large since they have been gone. I’ve gone back to my Live Journal (see blog roll for link) and read my moved blog entries from that time frame and while I can recognize that I am no longer overwhelmed with grief, I am still very raw.

I wrote this in May 2005, when I learned of T, J, D & M’s deaths. I was still dealing with losing Mark (though all of my entries from that time period were lost when yahoo ate my old ID…*sighs*) and then I got what I deemed to be the final blow...

I want to scream at the top of my lungs and never stop.

I want to run like a lunatic down the street screaming at the top of my lungs.

I want the world to know this kind of devastation.

I want the world to fear this kind of devastation.

I want to hear them all screaming with me as they too suffer this kind of living hell.

I want to be selfish and keep this grief all to myself.

I want to be angry at my friends for leaving me alone.

I want to be angry at the war for taking them from me.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs and never stop.

I want my friends here with me so my screams can turn to laughter.

I want to feel whole again.

I want to wallow in the darkness I am living in.

I want to dance in the light with my friends.

I want to be anywhere but here.

I want to be anyone but me.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs and never stop.

I want to be all these things because all I am is numb.



I am raw. Angry. Lonely. Bewildered. Ashamed. Frightened. Miserable. Rejected. Proud. Useless. Enraged. Incapable. Defeated…I could go on and on…I am a complete contradiction. Once, I had friends who understood me, now I am left to understand myself and that thought terrifies me. Once, I had friends who knew my soul, now I am left to nurture myself without their loving guidance. Once, I had friends who were like brothers. They were closer to me than any sibling I have. They were my family. They were everything to me. There is not a memory of my life that I have that doesn’t include them in some way. I am scared to create a life without them in it. I cannot imagine my life without them in it. At this moment, I cannot imagine life.

I remember every single moment, every single thought, every single feeling, every single…everything. I set out last year to learn how to nurture and love myself. I set out to find a life worth living without them in it. I accomplished so many things. I know they would be proud of the woman I am becoming but it is still NOT ENOUGH.

I still reach for the phone every single day to call them and talk to them. I still email them because I cannot bring myself to remove them from my distribution list. I still talk to their families and share stories, memories, and their suffering. I still talk about them all the time. I still fade into bleakness when I am taken by surprise by a person that reminds me of one of them, or a song on the radio that triggers memories…so many different times throughout every single day I feel besieged with the pain of my loss.

I know I spent a good chunk of 2006 learning how to COPE with loss but at these times it is all I can do to not drown in it. Sometimes I am strong enough to “get over” my feelings rather quickly, other times I can feel myself spiral down into my beautiful blackness.

I miss my friends. I miss my brothers. I miss my life. Time does not make this easier. I know I am sinking now because it is the anniversary of Mark’s death. I can add all the reason and logic into this that I want but it is still NOT ENOUGH. I should’ve waited before taking them to The Rock. I should’ve waited until now. I could be suffering in beauty then. It’s been ONE YEAR and I feel as lost today as I did 365 days ago.

I know it will never truly be ENOUGH. The only way it will be enough is if they could come back to me and life could carry on as was once normal.

How does someone move on, away from, the people who knew her heart the most intimately? How can someone be expected to do that?!?!?!? I truly wish I had the answers to those questions…and to anyone that says “time” I am gonna lose it on you *smiles sweetly*. Time heals nothing. It may make the ache less poignant, but it doesn’t take it away. It doesn’t replace the people. It doesn’t do anything but march on and force you to comply.

I wrote the above almost one year ago. I am still asking myself the exact same questions today. I feel really lost and alone right now. I don’t know if this is ever going to be something I can deal with.

I took a walk today with my puppy love and released five more balloons with personal messages written on them for each of my dearest friends. I released a balloon for me as well. I want to be with my friends so badly. I cannot imagine another fifty years without them. I had to do something to honor their lives today of all days, but it still feels like it is NOT ENOUGH.

Lonestar - Not A Day Goes By



I’ve Got a picture of you I carry in my heart

Close my eyes to see it when the world gets dark

Got a memory of you I carry in my soul

I wrap it close around me when the nights get cold

If you asked me how I'm doin' I'd say just fine

But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind



Not a day goes by that I don't think of you

After all this time you're still with me it's true

Somehow you remain locked so deep inside

Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by



I still wait for the phone in the middle of the night

Thinkin' you might call me if your dreams don't turn out right

And it still amazes me that I lie here in the dark

Wishin' you were next to me, your head against my heart

If you asked me how I'm doing I'd say just fine

But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind



Not a day goes by that I don't think of you

After all this time you're still with me it's true

Somehow you remain locked so deep inside

Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by



Minutes turn to hours, and the hours to days

Seems it's been forever that I've felt this way



Not a day goes by that I don't think of you

After all this time you're still with me it's true

Somehow you remain locked so deep inside

Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by