Guilt is a funny thing.

Guilt is a funny thing. It can wreak absolute havoc on a body and a mind. I am learning that the hard way this week.


In November I cut off all ties of communication with my dad (see the post on the left titled “goodbye daddy” if curious) I did manage to talk with my dad while planning my Grandpa’s funeral, but after the day of the funeral, I once again quit speaking to him.


My dad is now in the hospital hooked up to every machine available and he is not responding well to the antibiotics. The Doctor’s treating him look grimmer and grimmer as the days pass.


Friday I went to the hospital in the afternoon ~ I left work early ~ because I felt bad that no one else had gone to visit him and I wouldn’t want to spend any amount of time alone in a hospital bed than necessary…I know he is being sedated and doesn’t have a clue who’s around…but still…


I REALLY and truly TRIED to be that daughter…the daughter that is completely emotionally invested in the fact that her father is near death…the daughter that can sit beside her father, hold his hand and tell him that she loves him and things are going to be ok…the daughter that WANTS to do those things.


I just couldn’t.


I am watching my soon to be ex step mom, my mom, my sister, my dads siblings…everyone…fall apart at this and pretend that he is just this wonderful decent compassionate amazing human being and I just cant do it.


Lance has tried to convince me that feeling like this is OK and its “normal” because my father has so deeply wounded me and scarred me, though underneath it all I still do love him.


Sadly, I don’t love him.


I feel bad for him because he is a human being in pain. I don’t wish pain on anyone…but I don’t love everyone that happens to be in pain either.


If he does die from this I will have to deal with the fact that he passed away while we were fighting. Though, it really wasn’t a fight, and it was a conscious decision on my part to remove myself from him. I needed to in order to save myself.


I am torn and struggling.


My family is making very ridiculous demands of me. My soon to be ex step mom called this morning and asked if I was going to the hospital, I flat out told her NO. she proceeded to call me EIGHT bloody times and when all calls went unanswered (god bless call display) she then SHOWED UP AT MY HOUSE to attempt to manipulate me into going to the hospital.


Needless to say, I haven’t gone anywhere today and my soon to be ex step mom is pissed right off at me now.


It seems so fake to me. The people my father has abused the most are all the ones acting hysteric over him. I don’t think their motives are sincere. The soon to be ex step mom stands to win A LOT financially because the divorce isn’t finalized so she’s making a good show of things…my mom is trying to support her two kids that she had with the man in the hospital…my sister is still so desperate to have his approval that I think she feels that she HAS to be there every waking second in order for him to finally love her…am I wrong in just refusing to play the game?


Guilt is a funny thing.