Is it just me or am I really noticing a trend of complete ironies on blog entries latley?
Some are proclaiming BDSM cant be lived on the computer while in the same breath on another persons blog they are also actively proclaiming that they have supreme open mindedness for ALL people and mindsets of the "Lifestyle"
Some are proclaiming that they do not get emotionally involved online and then they turn around and spend all of their free time and waking thoughts blogging about how "angry", or "hurt", or any other emotion, they are by people online.
Some are proclaiming that falling in love is possible on the internet and in the same breath on another person's blog they are also actively campainging to their friends that the internet is full of nothing but lies and people with hidden agendas and do not trust anyone.
Some are unequivocally stating that they are without a doubt 100% "OVER" someone else and that they are "ready" to "move on" and never speak to that person again because he/she was such an "internet player" meanwhile in their "moving on" process they change their ID's, create a new blog and the first person they add is the "internet player" they are so "OVER" and continue to spend all of their time bitching, moaning, whining, complaining about the fact that the person they are so "OVER" did not miraculously change their personalities while they were changing their yahoo IDs.
Some truly boggle my mind because they seem to go through life believing and agreeing with whatever topic someone else blogged about. They dont seem to notice that their friends are all within a circle of people and that their friends can easily and plainly see their ineffective and ridiculous methods of indecision. It's like they are terrified to have a thought of their own.
Some are begging someone else to make a decision about what their own hearts need. They are so wrapped up in the ideas they have created and the fantasy's they envision that they have lost reality.
Is it just me or are these not ironies at their best?
I understand that contradictions lie within every person and I understand that most people react to things 100% emotionally with very little literal thought applied...but seriously...dont you ever wonder, even for a second or two, HOW these people function in their day to day lives ???
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Monday, July 23, 2007
an Apology
I owe my friends here an apology for my radical disappearance from 360 and most of their lives. I got addicted to facebook and let an old set of friends relegate all of my time...I didnt forget about you guys and I'm sorry if some of you feel like I did. Please know that it wasnt intentional and that I do think about you often and miss laughing and talking with you like crazy!!
I seem to create patterns in my life ~ some good, some bad, and others that are neither, they just mean change...I hate change yet I seem to be the one creating most of it in my life...I have come to the conclusion that I am terrified of stability yet I deeply crave it.
I am noticing that another pattern is how quickly I "change" my social connections online and offline. Within the online environment it is somewhat understandable because as you get to know people past a surface level sometimes you just decide that you cant tolerate some of their decisions/choices, or you decide that your personalities arent a mix, or you grow apart through the normal ID changes and everything else that is "yahoo". But even to me, that sounds so pathetic, its a weak excuse. Why am I making excuses?
Latley I find myself thinking back on the people I have "walked away" from or have let distance grow between us. With some ~looking back with crystal clear 20/20 clarity defining goggles~ it was silly misunderstandings, or a fight that had nothing to do with me that I picked a side on, or it was extreme concern and worry with heavy handed words...I wonder if those relationships are truly gone or if they are salvagable? I wonder if it would be worth it to try?
I am havnig a hard time right now. Between the promotion at work, my family, Lance and our new house...I feel really weighted down. I used to use this as a place to destress, talk about things and unwind with some lighthearted laughter but I am having alot of problems finding that place within me latley.
I am a natural worrier. It seems to be my role. I worry about the bank account and balance the cheque books daily. I know...daily!?!? it sounds insane even to me. I worry about everything. I am a planner. I plan so I dont have to worry....now I am worrying because I dont have a plan.
I feel so intolerant of everything right now. I cant think of a reason WHY though. I feel edgey and out of place. I feel inadequate and insecure. I feel annoyed because I really have no reason to feel those things...which causes me to spend more time than I should thinking about them, which turns them into more worries without a plan...see the pattern? *sighs*
I am really missing Lance. I think that is where it is all coming from. We are happy. We spend copious amounts of time together and healthy amounts of time apart. I miss rolling over in bed and snuggling against him. I miss our sex life so bloody much sometimes that I wish these fucking clots would either just disappear or kill me.
I am disheartened because I was making progress towards healthier life choices - I started swimming, dieting, walking the dog...getting active...and I was losing weight and feeling really good about myself and then this bloody health crap started and now I am back to square one and I dont like it. I am gaining the weight back because I dont have the air supply or the pain free ability to move around alot. I...I think I just figured out my reason as to why I am so intolerant right now.
I hope you guys know that I do think about you and care about you and that I do miss you.
I seem to create patterns in my life ~ some good, some bad, and others that are neither, they just mean change...I hate change yet I seem to be the one creating most of it in my life...I have come to the conclusion that I am terrified of stability yet I deeply crave it.
I am noticing that another pattern is how quickly I "change" my social connections online and offline. Within the online environment it is somewhat understandable because as you get to know people past a surface level sometimes you just decide that you cant tolerate some of their decisions/choices, or you decide that your personalities arent a mix, or you grow apart through the normal ID changes and everything else that is "yahoo". But even to me, that sounds so pathetic, its a weak excuse. Why am I making excuses?
Latley I find myself thinking back on the people I have "walked away" from or have let distance grow between us. With some ~looking back with crystal clear 20/20 clarity defining goggles~ it was silly misunderstandings, or a fight that had nothing to do with me that I picked a side on, or it was extreme concern and worry with heavy handed words...I wonder if those relationships are truly gone or if they are salvagable? I wonder if it would be worth it to try?
I am havnig a hard time right now. Between the promotion at work, my family, Lance and our new house...I feel really weighted down. I used to use this as a place to destress, talk about things and unwind with some lighthearted laughter but I am having alot of problems finding that place within me latley.
I am a natural worrier. It seems to be my role. I worry about the bank account and balance the cheque books daily. I know...daily!?!? it sounds insane even to me. I worry about everything. I am a planner. I plan so I dont have to worry....now I am worrying because I dont have a plan.
I feel so intolerant of everything right now. I cant think of a reason WHY though. I feel edgey and out of place. I feel inadequate and insecure. I feel annoyed because I really have no reason to feel those things...which causes me to spend more time than I should thinking about them, which turns them into more worries without a plan...see the pattern? *sighs*
I am really missing Lance. I think that is where it is all coming from. We are happy. We spend copious amounts of time together and healthy amounts of time apart. I miss rolling over in bed and snuggling against him. I miss our sex life so bloody much sometimes that I wish these fucking clots would either just disappear or kill me.
I am disheartened because I was making progress towards healthier life choices - I started swimming, dieting, walking the dog...getting active...and I was losing weight and feeling really good about myself and then this bloody health crap started and now I am back to square one and I dont like it. I am gaining the weight back because I dont have the air supply or the pain free ability to move around alot. I...I think I just figured out my reason as to why I am so intolerant right now.
I hope you guys know that I do think about you and care about you and that I do miss you.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Exploring Self Awareness
The center of your universe begins and ends with you. You are the source of everything you experience. You are foundation and common denominator to all aspects of your life, including your environment, your relationships, and your belief system. Without you, your world would cease to exist. Therefore, if you want to make any real and significant changes to your life, the only place to start is with yourself.
You must first know what materials you have to work with before creating the life you want. You have to have self awareness before moving into self acceptance. Once that foundation is established, you can then build yourself anew using your wants and desires as the building materials to shape yourself and your world.
It All Begins With Awareness
Awareness is the first step in the creation process. As you grow in self awareness, you will better understand why you feel what you feel and why you behave as you behave. That understanding then gives you the opportunity and freedom to change those things you’d like to change about yourself and create the life you want. Without fully knowing who you are, self acceptance and change become impossible.
Having clarity about who you are and what you want (and why you want it), empowers you to consciously and actively make those wants a reality. Otherwise, you’ll continue to get “caught up” in your own internal dramas and unknown beliefs, allowing unknown thought processes to determine your feelings and actions.
If you think about it, not understanding why you do what you do, and feel what you feel is like going through your life with a stranger's mind. How do you make wise decisions and choices if you don't understand why you want what you want? It's a difficult and chaotic way to live never knowing what this stranger is going to do next.
Who's the expert?
When we want good, solid information, we turn to the experts. So, who are you going to turn to for information about yourself? Who's the expert?
You.
Does a friend, a therapist, a minister, your hero, your spouse, your parents know more about you than you? They can't. You live in your skin and mind 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. Day in and day out. No one’s closer to you than you! The answers are in there, perhaps all you’ve needed to solve your riddles is a useful question.
Using Questions To Be More Self Aware
Questions can help you become more self aware. Are you where you live? Are you your job? Are you what you look like? The answers to these questions are only reflections of who you are to the outside world. But it’s just that, a reflection of your inner self. To go below the surface, the questions need to be more meaningful.
Think of The Questions as being in layers. Each level or layer of questioning takes you closer and closer to the “core of your being.”
Example of Layers
What type of people do I enjoy spending time with? Well...they have to be open-minded people. I really enjoy their company.
Why do I enjoy being with open-minded people? Because then I can explore lots of different ideas. I enjoy searching for answers. And if they’re open-minded, the exploration can go anywhere!
What do I mean by “exploration can go anywhere”? I mean I can investigate all the big questions in life like...Why are we here or where do emotions come from?
How does being with open-minded people assist me in exploring those questions? Well...if they’re open-minded they won’t make fun of my ideas.
Why is it important to me that people not make fun of my ideas? Because it feels like my ideas are..well...me. I don’t like being made fun of.
Why don’t I like being made fun of? Because then I feel shitty about myself.
Why would I feel shitty about myself if people made fun of me? Because they’re not accepting me for who I am!
Why do I feel shitty if others don’t accept me for who I am? Because it means I’m not OK.
How does others not accepting me mean I’m not okay? Hmmmm.... I guess it doesn't have to mean that.
As you can see, the further down in the questioning process you go, the more you can tap into why you do what you do and who you are. It will take time for you to go through all the questions if you keep digging down each layer. Feel free to refer back to this example when answering the questions.
Tips On Answering Questions
Awareness is the first step in the creation process. As you grow in self awareness you will better understand why you feel what you feel and why you behave as you behave. That understanding then gives you the opportunity and freedom to change those things you’d like to change about yourself and create the life you want. Without knowing who you are, self acceptance and change become impossible.
Be As Specific As You Can
General answers will only give you a general sense of who you are. The more specific your answers, the more impact they'll have on your life and you'll have a much clearer picture of yourself. I can not emphasis this enough. Be specific. Be specific. Give specific answers. When you think you've been pretty specific, make it even more specific.
Questions, Not Judgments
Don't ask yourself these questions with a judgmental tone. They’re not accusations, or calls for you to defend yourself. They’re questions to help you discover who you are. Be honest, gentle, and nonjudgmental. No one has to see your answers. This is between you and you, and no one else.
Letting It Flow
If while answering the questions you come up with your own line of questioning, then definitely follow it. (You’re the expert here.) Also, if you answer, “I don’t know”, to any of the questions, give yourself the freedom to take a wild guess. The guess will allow you to continue. You know more than you think you do!
Be Totally Honest
Honesty leads to true awareness, but it requires courage. It’s the courage to face what you fear or find difficult to accept about yourselves. When you summon the courage to take ownership of your actions, thoughts, and feelings, you will recover the blueprint of your life. You’ll be able to face your fears and find the inaccurate beliefs that created them.
“We make our world significant by the courage of our questions,
When answering the questions below, see if you are substituting rationalizations for your genuine feelings. Check inside and see if you are asking yourself “How SHOULD I feel?”, rather than “How do I really feel?”. Monitor if you are speculating intellectually about the answer, rather than getting in touch with what you are thinking or feeling.
Know that in the past you had reasons for being dishonest and that those reasons may no longer be useful or serve you. Know whatever you discover about yourself, you can handle with ease and acceptance. Trust that the information you uncover will in some way lead to a greater sense of peace about yourself. That the answers to the questions will take you by the hand, and lead you to where you want to go.
Becoming honest is an act of self renewal. What a sense of freedom you’ll feel when you’re able to admit to yourself...”I want this, or think this, or feel this because I’m afraid that...[fill in the blank]. This is the first step toward discovering hidden fears. What a wonderful place to know where you are! It’s difficult to reach a destination, when you don’t even know where you’re starting. You need only to gather your courage and look for your beliefs you have about yourself and your world. The rewards of doing so will lead you to places of happiness you never knew existed.
Self Awareness Questions
This page is filled with questions. I’ve divided the questions into the following categories: Social, Emotional, Significant Relationship, Spiritual/Ethical, Financial, Career, Personal, and Personal Definitions. They’re worded in a way to help you get a clearer picture of who you are. Clarity is the goal here, but remember, have fun with the questions. This isn’t intended to be a struggle!
Social
You must first know what materials you have to work with before creating the life you want. You have to have self awareness before moving into self acceptance. Once that foundation is established, you can then build yourself anew using your wants and desires as the building materials to shape yourself and your world.
It All Begins With Awareness
Awareness is the first step in the creation process. As you grow in self awareness, you will better understand why you feel what you feel and why you behave as you behave. That understanding then gives you the opportunity and freedom to change those things you’d like to change about yourself and create the life you want. Without fully knowing who you are, self acceptance and change become impossible.
Having clarity about who you are and what you want (and why you want it), empowers you to consciously and actively make those wants a reality. Otherwise, you’ll continue to get “caught up” in your own internal dramas and unknown beliefs, allowing unknown thought processes to determine your feelings and actions.
If you think about it, not understanding why you do what you do, and feel what you feel is like going through your life with a stranger's mind. How do you make wise decisions and choices if you don't understand why you want what you want? It's a difficult and chaotic way to live never knowing what this stranger is going to do next.
Who's the expert?
When we want good, solid information, we turn to the experts. So, who are you going to turn to for information about yourself? Who's the expert?
You.
Does a friend, a therapist, a minister, your hero, your spouse, your parents know more about you than you? They can't. You live in your skin and mind 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. Day in and day out. No one’s closer to you than you! The answers are in there, perhaps all you’ve needed to solve your riddles is a useful question.
Using Questions To Be More Self Aware
Questions can help you become more self aware. Are you where you live? Are you your job? Are you what you look like? The answers to these questions are only reflections of who you are to the outside world. But it’s just that, a reflection of your inner self. To go below the surface, the questions need to be more meaningful.
Think of The Questions as being in layers. Each level or layer of questioning takes you closer and closer to the “core of your being.”
Example of Layers
What type of people do I enjoy spending time with? Well...they have to be open-minded people. I really enjoy their company.
Why do I enjoy being with open-minded people? Because then I can explore lots of different ideas. I enjoy searching for answers. And if they’re open-minded, the exploration can go anywhere!
What do I mean by “exploration can go anywhere”? I mean I can investigate all the big questions in life like...Why are we here or where do emotions come from?
How does being with open-minded people assist me in exploring those questions? Well...if they’re open-minded they won’t make fun of my ideas.
Why is it important to me that people not make fun of my ideas? Because it feels like my ideas are..well...me. I don’t like being made fun of.
Why don’t I like being made fun of? Because then I feel shitty about myself.
Why would I feel shitty about myself if people made fun of me? Because they’re not accepting me for who I am!
Why do I feel shitty if others don’t accept me for who I am? Because it means I’m not OK.
How does others not accepting me mean I’m not okay? Hmmmm.... I guess it doesn't have to mean that.
As you can see, the further down in the questioning process you go, the more you can tap into why you do what you do and who you are. It will take time for you to go through all the questions if you keep digging down each layer. Feel free to refer back to this example when answering the questions.
Tips On Answering Questions
Awareness is the first step in the creation process. As you grow in self awareness you will better understand why you feel what you feel and why you behave as you behave. That understanding then gives you the opportunity and freedom to change those things you’d like to change about yourself and create the life you want. Without knowing who you are, self acceptance and change become impossible.
Be As Specific As You Can
General answers will only give you a general sense of who you are. The more specific your answers, the more impact they'll have on your life and you'll have a much clearer picture of yourself. I can not emphasis this enough. Be specific. Be specific. Give specific answers. When you think you've been pretty specific, make it even more specific.
Questions, Not Judgments
Don't ask yourself these questions with a judgmental tone. They’re not accusations, or calls for you to defend yourself. They’re questions to help you discover who you are. Be honest, gentle, and nonjudgmental. No one has to see your answers. This is between you and you, and no one else.
Letting It Flow
If while answering the questions you come up with your own line of questioning, then definitely follow it. (You’re the expert here.) Also, if you answer, “I don’t know”, to any of the questions, give yourself the freedom to take a wild guess. The guess will allow you to continue. You know more than you think you do!
Be Totally Honest
Honesty leads to true awareness, but it requires courage. It’s the courage to face what you fear or find difficult to accept about yourselves. When you summon the courage to take ownership of your actions, thoughts, and feelings, you will recover the blueprint of your life. You’ll be able to face your fears and find the inaccurate beliefs that created them.
“We make our world significant by the courage of our questions,
and the depth of our answers.”
- Carl Sagan
- Carl Sagan
When answering the questions below, see if you are substituting rationalizations for your genuine feelings. Check inside and see if you are asking yourself “How SHOULD I feel?”, rather than “How do I really feel?”. Monitor if you are speculating intellectually about the answer, rather than getting in touch with what you are thinking or feeling.
Know that in the past you had reasons for being dishonest and that those reasons may no longer be useful or serve you. Know whatever you discover about yourself, you can handle with ease and acceptance. Trust that the information you uncover will in some way lead to a greater sense of peace about yourself. That the answers to the questions will take you by the hand, and lead you to where you want to go.
Becoming honest is an act of self renewal. What a sense of freedom you’ll feel when you’re able to admit to yourself...”I want this, or think this, or feel this because I’m afraid that...[fill in the blank]. This is the first step toward discovering hidden fears. What a wonderful place to know where you are! It’s difficult to reach a destination, when you don’t even know where you’re starting. You need only to gather your courage and look for your beliefs you have about yourself and your world. The rewards of doing so will lead you to places of happiness you never knew existed.
Self Awareness Questions
This page is filled with questions. I’ve divided the questions into the following categories: Social, Emotional, Significant Relationship, Spiritual/Ethical, Financial, Career, Personal, and Personal Definitions. They’re worded in a way to help you get a clearer picture of who you are. Clarity is the goal here, but remember, have fun with the questions. This isn’t intended to be a struggle!
Social
- What type of people do I enjoy spending time with? (intelligent, open-minded, out-going, self-righteous, reflective, quiet, funny, a bit sad, optimists, readers, pessimists, thinkers, sports-minded, active, perceptive, debaters, joke-tellers, etc.)
- Why do I enjoy those specific qualities in people?
- Do I seek out people similar as I, or different from me? Why is that?
- Do I have many friends as I just described? Why or why not?
- How many close friends do I want based on the amount of time I have?
- What would those close relationships look like? What would be the biggest aspects? (talking, shared activities, working on projects together, laughter, storytelling, playing games, etc.)
- What are two of the most favorite things I enjoy doing with others?
- Where have I met most of the friends I currently have? (family, work, community, childhood, online, etc.)
- What does where I met these friends tell me about myself?
- Why am I still friends with those people?
- What is the single biggest attitudinal change I’d like to make when with people? (be more myself, be more out-going, be more honest, initiate more conversations, be more comfortable, be more open, be funnier, interrupt less, initiate more activities, etc.)
- List three situations and/or times when you were the most happy in your life. Specific instances...What elements were present when I felt that way? How was I feeling about myself during those times?
- What do I fear most in my life right now? Why? What would it mean if that happened?
- When do I feel the most angry or frustrated? What is it about those situations that I feel that way?
- What is my definition of love? (not Webster’s)
- What are my primary beliefs about love? (it’s easy, scary, short-lived, feels good, not possible, difficult, etc.) Where/when did I acquire those beliefs? Do I still believe them? Why or why not?
- Do I have much control over my emotions? Why or why not?
- What emotions do I want to feel most of the time?
If NOT currently in a marriage/life partnership/relationship
- What specific characteristics do I want my ideal life partner to possess? (generosity, open-mindedness, funny, gentle, strong personality, quiet, organized, similar beliefs about politics, finances, parenting, etc, fun, honest, similar goals, attractive, playful, out-going, etc.)
- Why do I want them to have those characteristics?
- How would I feel if I never had a life partner? Why would I feel that way?
If currently in a marriage/life partnership/relationship
- Am I happy in my current relationship? Why or why not?
- What is the biggest problem I see in the relationship?
- In what way would I like my partner to change? Why is that important to me?
- Could I be happy if that person did not change? Why or why not?
- What did I appreciate about this person when I first met/knew them?
- What do I appreciate about them now?
- Why are those qualities important to me?
- What is the single biggest attitudinal change I could make that would enhance this relationship?
- Do I believe in god? If not, how do I believe the universe operates? Why do I believe that?
- How has my childhood effected my beliefs about God/or lack there of?
- What characteristics do I believe God possesses? Why do I believe that?
- What is my relationship with this God/Universe? Is it the relationship I want? Why or why not?
- In what way does my spiritual beliefs effect my day-to-day life?
- Do I have a code of conduct that I follow? If no, do I want one? Why or why not? If yes, what is it and why those codes?
- What beliefs did I “take on” from my parents in regards to money? (it's difficult to get, it's scarce, you should only have so much, it's easy to make, having it /not having it says something about me, live for the moment, give it away, I'll never have enough, it's a secret, saving is important, etc)
- What does money mean/represent to me? (security, aliveness, freedom, love, peace of mind, etc)
- Do I feel peaceful or anxiety in regards to money? Why do I feel that way about it?
- How much money do I feel I deserve to make a year? Why that amount?
- What would it mean to me if I made more or less than that amount? Why do I believe that?
What types of things did I enjoy doing as a child? (building things, drawing, sports, writing, solving puzzles, being with animals, my chemistry set, organizing games, talking, anything physical, playing house, cowboys and Indians, etc) Do I do anything today that has similar qualities to it?- How do I currently earn my livelihood? How did I come to be so employed?
- What was present during the times I loved my work? What were the elements present in those situations?
- Am I currently doing the type of work I love to do? If not, what type of work would I like to do? If yes, what would have to change for me to enjoy it more? What attitudinal change could I make to enjoy it more?
- What has stopped me so far from pursuing the type of work I love? Do I want to continue allowing that to stop me? What could I do to change that?
- What is my definition of success? (not Webster’s)
- What skills have I acquired that I'm proud of?
- What accomplishments am I proud of?
- Beginning when I was a child, what are the 10 most significant events in my life? Why did I make them significant?
- What period of my life do I like most? Why? What period of my life do I like least? Why?
- What are five of my greatest strengths?
- What do I desire most right now? Why do I desire that?
- If I was to receive an award, what would I want that award to be for? Why that?
- If I was to pick out a general theme that showed up often while answering these questions, what would that theme be? What does it mean? How do I feel about that?
In addition to asking yourself questions, you may also want to investigate your personal definitions of common words. I know when I went through this process of self awareness, I found I only had a very general sense of the meaning of words. It wasn’t until I came up with my own precise and specific definitions, that their meaning became clear. Although my definitions were not that drastically different from the dictionary’s, the words had more impact on my life once I defined them myself.
What is YOUR definition of the following words?
- love - success - honesty - happiness - soul - true - acceptance - inner peace
- trust - appreciation - knowing - believe - reality - fear - joy - judgment
- anger - mistake - sex - friend - guilt - intention - responsibility - myself
Only With Self Awareness will Self Acceptance happen.
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