an Apology

I owe my friends here an apology for my radical disappearance from 360 and most of their lives. I got addicted to facebook and let an old set of friends relegate all of my time...I didnt forget about you guys and I'm sorry if some of you feel like I did. Please know that it wasnt intentional and that I do think about you often and miss laughing and talking with you like crazy!!

I seem to create patterns in my life ~ some good, some bad, and others that are neither, they just mean change...I hate change yet I seem to be the one creating most of it in my life...I have come to the conclusion that I am terrified of stability yet I deeply crave it.

I am noticing that another pattern is how quickly I "change" my social connections online and offline. Within the online environment it is somewhat understandable because as you get to know people past a surface level sometimes you just decide that you cant tolerate some of their decisions/choices, or you decide that your personalities arent a mix, or you grow apart through the normal ID changes and everything else that is "yahoo". But even to me, that sounds so pathetic, its a weak excuse. Why am I making excuses?

Latley I find myself thinking back on the people I have "walked away" from or have let distance grow between us. With some ~looking back with crystal clear 20/20 clarity defining goggles~ it was silly misunderstandings, or a fight that had nothing to do with me that I picked a side on, or it was extreme concern and worry with heavy handed words...I wonder if those relationships are truly gone or if they are salvagable? I wonder if it would be worth it to try?

I am havnig a hard time right now. Between the promotion at work, my family, Lance and our new house...I feel really weighted down. I used to use this as a place to destress, talk about things and unwind with some lighthearted laughter but I am having alot of problems finding that place within me latley.

I am a natural worrier. It seems to be my role. I worry about the bank account and balance the cheque books daily. I know...daily!?!? it sounds insane even to me. I worry about everything. I am a planner. I plan so I dont have to worry....now I am worrying because I dont have a plan.

I feel so intolerant of everything right now. I cant think of a reason WHY though. I feel edgey and out of place. I feel inadequate and insecure. I feel annoyed because I really have no reason to feel those things...which causes me to spend more time than I should thinking about them, which turns them into more worries without a plan...see the pattern? *sighs*

I am really missing Lance. I think that is where it is all coming from. We are happy. We spend copious amounts of time together and healthy amounts of time apart. I miss rolling over in bed and snuggling against him. I miss our sex life so bloody much sometimes that I wish these fucking clots would either just disappear or kill me.

I am disheartened because I was making progress towards healthier life choices - I started swimming, dieting, walking the dog...getting active...and I was losing weight and feeling really good about myself and then this bloody health crap started and now I am back to square one and I dont like it. I am gaining the weight back because I dont have the air supply or the pain free ability to move around alot. I...I think I just figured out my reason as to why I am so intolerant right now.

I hope you guys know that I do think about you and care about you and that I do miss you.