Discussions of Parenthood

Lance and I have officially entered into the discussion of parenthood.

For some unknown and warped reason my body reacts with longing to every baby I come across. I try to take my nephew Ty every chance I get...and it kills me to give him back. After dropping Ty off I come home and cry. Lance holds me and promises me that we will have our own babies one day.

Mentally I know that...well, I think I know...ok, maybe I'm just guessing and trying to find meaning into this...whatever...anyway...I know that the decision Lance & I made last year to terminate our pregnancy was right for us at the time, but I think now and wonder...In July 2006 I was almost 3 months pregnant...which means January 2007 I would've given birth to our child...which means our child would've been 7-8 months old right now...He/She would be figuring out how to crawl and speak his/her first words...I think I regret the decision that we made.

I think I regret the decision that we made...but I think we made the right decision. It has been a big year for us as a couple. As a couple we have only been together for 2 years and 2 months...26 months...that doesnt seem like a long period of time when thought about like that...In the past year we have bought a house, a new car, changed jobs, got promotions, got pay raises, found time to train our dog, reconnected with friends old and new, taken up hobbies together and apart, done alot of home owner things - like paint, buy appliances, landscape- and have truly started to enjoy our life and each other. How can I regret a good decision that was made because of bad timing? because that is ultimatley what I am doing.

I just turned 30 in May. I've never felt my biological clock before but hot damn do I feel it now. I turn into a playing, stupid face making, giggling and tickling, baby smelling hormonal idiot when I am around babies now.

I know within my heart that Lance is everything I have ever wanted and needed. He has been my rock, my confidant, my best friend, my partner in crime, my laughter, and on my darkest days he has been my light. Grateful is such a weak word to describe how blessed I feel to have him in my life. I love that man passionatley and dearly.

For the first time in my life I am able to say I am truly deeply happy. Happiness is always described using fleeting moments of life and using reflection of memories. The happiness I feel on a daily basis cant be described like that. Sometimes I dont know what to do with myself because habits of old are still rearing their ugly heads and I am on constant alert, just waiting for the other shoe to drop....and everyday I am stunned over and over again because I am still blissfully happy. I go to sleep with a smile on my face and I wake up the same way.

I think I am falling back into too many patterns by creating chaos where none existed. I know deep within every fiber of my being that I was not ready a year ago to carry a child and raise it. I know there were health issues with pre-eclampsia and toximia and that is why I was advised medically to terminate or go on 7+ months of bed rest. I also remember where I was mentally a year ago and I KNOW that I was no where near ready to even contemplate being a parent.

I want to be a mom. I want this magical fairy tale that has somehow miraculously come true for me (and Lance) to continue growing and evolving. I know within my soul now that I have tamed my "demons" and I have come to peaceful resolutions inside myself and with my family and friends. I know I have a solid support system now and that I am surrounded by people that love me, love Lance, and love us together. I also still have Satna and Noel who I speak to on a semi-unregular basis. I really did leave that program with the tools required to deal with whatever life may throw at me. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, and if given the choice to go back and do it all over again, I would.

Lance and I are going away August 24 - Sept 4, just the 2 of us, and we plan to continue talking and planning and dreaming about becoming parents. I love this man because he dreams with me. I love this man because we value and desire the same goals in life. I love this man because his strengths are my weaknesses and I know that I can count on him to be there. I love this man because he makes me laugh. I love this man because he is gentle, kind, compassionate, and truly good. I want to have this mans baby. I want to watch him play with his child and help his child and teach his child the values and lessons in life. I want to be a mom.

I plan on going to the support group on Friday just so I can talk about this with Satna and Noel. I need to know if this is something tangible and obtainable in the immediate future or if I am just conjecturing regret from the termination last year. I dont quite know where all of my immediate thoughts about wanting to become a mom are coming from. I need the questions inside my own head answered before Lance and I will start to "try" to make a baby.

I also have to talk to my doctor's and determine if I am healthy enough to try to make and carry a child right now. I still have clots on my lungs, though the latest X-ray shows they are decreasing in size and matter. What used to look like white blobs all over my lungs now looks like a white blob here and there on my lungs. The medication is working and so are the herbal remedies I have tried. For that I am thankful.

Lance and I have officially entered into the discussion of parenthood.

We've also started to really talk about marriage. We've decided that we want a destination wedding somewhere warm in non-hurricane season. We want to be married before we have a baby. At least something in this relationship has to be in a "normal" order *lol* The wedding will be tropical, if you want to come party on the beach with us you are more than welcome *grinz*