Snow, Shoveling, Whiskey and Social Services.

I went to work again today. I feel like I have been run over by a Mac truck. Every single part of my body hurts, my fever is raging, and to top it all off I am losing my voice. I work for a communications company and right now I can’t communicate.


My bosses are very funny individuals *insert sarcasm here*. Yesterday, every time they talked to me they pressed their fists to their throats and plugged their noses. Today they gave me a white board and a dry erase marker.

Ha.

Ha.

Ha.


Work has sent me home every day this week. The weather network has been forecasting a blizzard and it hit last night. We received 21cm of snow overnight and it was SOOOOO windy that the pictures on my walls were rattling. It made for a rough night. Between the storm and the flu I think I managed to get 2 hours of sleep.


It was MINUS 30’C outside today WITHOUT the wind chill and I still went to work. They keep begging me to come in because they say they can’t function without me and then I get there and they see me and they feel guilty so they send me home. *sighs* It took me almost 2 hours to get there today to have my direct manager take one look at me and say “wow, go home Kris, get some sleep” *bangs head in absolute annoyance* so instead of turning around and coming right home I decided to tough it out and get some things done…then they started with the white board routine and I gave up and left.


The forecast is MINUS 35’C tomorrow, without wind chill. I am phoning in sick and then I am unplugging my phone. I don’t feel good. The antibiotics aren’t working. I think I have to go back to the DR *sighs* on the bright side, Lance isn’t sick yet.


Anyway…on to the real reason for my blog…I told you about the blizzard and the amount of snow and how hard the wind was blowing…so today I get home from work and this young kid who lives in my complex says “Hey! Can I shovel your driveway?” and I said “I was hoping to see you today! Sure you can! Thanks!”


Now, this winter this boy has made a small fortune off of my house. My neighbor went to India for a month so Lance and I were taking care of shoveling his drive way too. I screwed up my shoulder, Lance screwed up his back…enter life saver kid who wants to earn some money for whatever 11 year old boys spend money on. EVERY TIME this kid knocked on my door I gave him $10 and said Thank you!!!!!! and he did both driveways and went along his happy little way.


So, I am thinking that today is no different. The snow was heavier (and the only bill I had in my wallet was a $20) so I gave it to him. He said “wow, really? Are you sure? I can go get change if you want” and I said “no kiddo, its fine, enjoy it! You’re gonna earn it with the 2 drive ways today!” and went inside my house.


Fast forward about 45 minutes. The kid is done shoveling and I get a “ding dong” from my doorbell. There stands a man I’ve never seen before. Ringo starts barking and freaking out. Lately Ringo hates it when men come near the house when Lance isn’t home…he almost ate the TV install man earlier in December *sighs* so I section off Ringo and crack open my door and croak out something that sounded like “yes?”


This guy starts SCREAMING at me. Telling me I am ripping off his kid and making his kid bust his ass for only a few bucks...bla bla bla…this guy went OFFFFFFFFFFFF for about 5 minutes while I just stood there goin “huh???”


It seriously didn’t click with me that this was the snow shoveling kid’s dad (dayQuil is NOT for daytime…don’t believe the packaging...) So, I asked him “what kid are you talking about!?!?” and he says “the one that shovels your drive way, you cheap c**t” (I really hate the *C* word)


This kid has made a FORTUNE off of Lance and me this winter. We NEVER give him spare change. We ALWAYS give him at LEAST $10 because he only comes around when it snows really heavy. He’s shoveled our drive way at LEAST 2 dozen times this winter alone. I gave this kid $20 to shovel snow today. I don’t know what planet this kid’s father came from but that’s A LOT of cash to give to an 11 year old kid for 30 minutes of shoveling. The kid was THRILLED with how much $$$ I gave him to shovel. When I was a kid and felt energetic I used to go door to door shoveling my neighbors driveways and sidewalks. The MOST I EVER got was $6…and it was in nickels. *sighs*


I looked at this enraged idiot and I couldn’t help it. I started to laugh. I told the enraged idiot that he should kindly get his sorry ass off of my property or I was going to release my (snarling, teeth baring, hair standing up on end, lunging at the puppy gate trying to crash it down) dog. (I really don’t know what possesses Ringo to get like that when men come to the door and Lance isn’t home…I think I gotta go to Pet Smart and talk to a trainer) This idiot laughed. I wasn’t really serious about “releasing” Ringo. I don’t want to have to put my dog down because he’s suddenly decided that his role in life is to make sure nothing with a penis (other than Lance) comes anywhere near me.


That’s the moment that Ringo broke the puppy gate down and CHARGED.


OMFG!!!! I thought for sure this is going to end in disaster. I some how managed to grab his collar as he flew past me in full out stretch snarling mode and yanked Ringo back just in time. Ringo BARELY missed this enraged idiot’s face. I yanked the screen door shut and asked the guy if he’d like to continue this conversation (with a sweet smile, of course *smirks*) and he looked at me, looked at the dog, looked at the beautifully shoveled driveway, turned an interesting shade of green and said “no, sorry for disturbing you” and walked away.


I close the door and proceed to sit down on the couch and get myself REALLY worked up about it. I was SOOOOOOOOOO angry. I couldn’t wait until Lance got home from work to bitch about it. I had to call my mom and tell her.


As I am on the phone with my mom, the snow shoveling kid comes back to my door. I tell my mom I’ll call her back and answer my door. The kid looks at me, hands me back my $20 and says “I am really sorry about my dad. He gets like that sometimes” and that’s when I notice he’s got a fat lip and what is starting to look like a swelling eye.


I bring the kid inside (Ringo apparently likes my snow shoveller, and starts to slobber all over him with his tail wagging) and get some ice for his eye and lip and ask him if he’s ok. He just starts to cry. He told me that his dad needed the money for whiskey and that he didn’t earn enough shoveling snow for him to buy some so he got what he deserved for being such a lazy worthless kid.


It broke my heart. Here I was having such a total fit about the whole situation to my mom while this kid was at home getting his ass beaten because he couldn’t earn enough money to get his father drunk. I didn’t know what to do with, or for, this kid so I gave him a hug, made him a cup of hot chocolate and told him he always has a safe place to visit at my house…then the kid got up and ran out the door…Jesus…


I sat down and sobbed, and then I called Satna because I really didn’t know what to do. I wanted to call Social Services. But I also didn’t want to be “involved.” I hope I made the right decision. I did end up calling Social Services and I made a complaint. I hope this kid is going to be OK.


It’s been a rough day.

To Be Free

Do what you love

Do what you fear

Be proud of where you come from

It brought you here.

Explore amazing places

No need to look far

Don’t be afraid to be alone

You never are.

Pursue dreams with fire

Cherish moments that won’t last

Slow down

See the beauty of what’s moving past.

Dance bold, sing loud

There’s wisdom in fun

Be kind, be a hero

Even just for one.

You have rainbows to chase

Places to be

You have choices to make

Choose always

To be free.

World Trade Center - The Movie.

I watched The World Trade Center (movie) today.

For those of you that aren’t aware, I am very emotionally involved in the collapse of the twin towers. I lost Mark’s mom on September 11^th. I lost Mark five years later because of it. I was in NY on September 13^th after taking a grey hound bus across Canada to Toronto and hitch hiking a ride across the border with a Canadian Blood Services team.

I was able to spend a lot of time at ground zero with Mark, Dominic, Toby, Jesse, and Matt (aka: The Boyz) helping to do whatever was needed. I made food, handed out water bottles, DNA tagged body part remains, assisted with first aid for the men and women working in the wreckage, organized WTC security ID cards that were found, helped put up missing posters, helped clean rubbish and scrap metal…and once I was allowed onto the actual wreckage site. I was allowed (with NYFD assistance…) to climb some of the wreckage and just sit and cry surrounded by the insanity of it all. It was like being lost in a world of smoke, fire, and ash, and though there were people working on the site, there was this horrendous silence.

I helped Mark move, packed his apartment which was three blocks away from the WTC site and bought him new furniture for the home on Long Island that I found for him, I carried a leather hide-a-bed couch SIXTEEN bloody blocks because we were not allowed to get a moving van any closer. I planned my 2^nd mom’s funeral and held Mark, Dominic, Jesse, Toby and Matt together as the insane Italians descended.

I have had to spend a lot of time with the insane Italian’s since 9/11 and while I am able to recognize that they are all truly crazy, they are also some of the most amazing people I will ever have the pleasure of knowing and calling “family”. They are the family that I choose, not the family that I was born to, that makes them all the more special.

The first anniversary of September 11^th I went back to New York to be with my Boyz and participate in the memorial service(s). I held Mark’s hand as he climbed the rickety stage stairs and read his mother’s name out loud. I was able to reconnect with some of the true hero’s (and heroine's) I met and worked with and was held closely while I grieved the horrendous loss of it all.

I have lost everything I held dear and true because of the events of 9/11. I will never forget September 11^th or anything that has happened since. It is too soon, and I am still to raw to be objective about the movie I watched today…so without further ado, here are my thoughts about it.

In some ways, watching this movie was almost like watching a cartoon…the graphicness of the buildings collapsing didn’t really seem to affect the actors emotionally. They seemed much removed and not at all emotionally involved.

Maggie Gyllenhaal was a complete disaster in this movie. It was like watching a robot try to be human. It pissed me off.

Michael Pena (aka: Will Jimeno) was…well…almost as bad as Maggie Gylenhaal (who was playing his “wife” in the movie.) but at least made an attempt to stretch his emotional abilities as an actor. It still came off as very poor and weak.

Nicholas Cage…as soon as I heard he was going to be the “lead” (John McLoughlin) in the movie I thought “aww, Jesus…seriously?!?!” and sadly, my opinion hasn’t changed. There was no sense of panic, urgency, despair…nothing…but he did have ONE speech at the very end of the movie that touched me.

“9/11 showed us what human beings are capable of. The evil, yeah sure, but it also brought out the goodness we forgot could exist. People taking care of each other for no other reason than it was the right thing to do. It’s important for us to talk about that good. To remember. Because I saw a lot of it that day”

- Nicholas Cage as John McLoughlin.

I hated the idea of this tragedy being made into a movie, regardless of how tasteful it was done, but I was willing to at least make an attempt to embrace it. I know Hollywood is going to continue to attempt to profit from this insufferable nightmare. I know they will continue to slot pathetic actors and actresses into true hero’s roles and watch them fail miserably. This will be the last movie or gimmick from Hollywood regarding September 11^th that I spend my money on.

Hollywood should’ve asked the REAL hero’s from that day to play the parts. I recognize that most of the men and women who were a part of the initial few days after the Towers fell would most likely not want to be involved in a project attempting to re-create that day. They probably go to sleep with it every night and wake up with it every morning. I know I do.

This movie could’ve been amazing. It could’ve been about the undeniable ability that the human race has to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and continue to lead true, honest, real lives as best as they can. Instead it was about…nothing.

Hollywood made no attempt to show how the world rallied around the events of September 11. They made two very weak attempts to portray how many people from all over the globe came rushing to the aid of New York, Washington, and Pennsylvania. They showed none of the candle light vigils, none of the shocked and horrified people grieving on the streets, only a few of the missing posters from a hospital wall, none of the fire house and police house memorials…they didn’t tap into the emotional investment people felt (and still feel) because of this event. It was all very clinical and much removed.

The only honest and raw part of the movie came at the very end when they ran the NY Port Authority list, the NYFD list, and the NYPD list, of the fallen hero’s from that day.

This movie was made to soon, and it was made badly. No wonder it completely flopped at the box office. I hope the Hollywood money makers take that into consideration the next time they try to exploit something so very painful.

NOT ENOUGH

It is really hard to fathom for me that it has been 1 year since I lost Mark and 8 months since I lost T, J, D, and M.

So much has happened to me and the world at large since they have been gone. I’ve gone back to my Live Journal (see blog roll for link) and read my moved blog entries from that time frame and while I can recognize that I am no longer overwhelmed with grief, I am still very raw.

I wrote this in May 2005, when I learned of T, J, D & M’s deaths. I was still dealing with losing Mark (though all of my entries from that time period were lost when yahoo ate my old ID…*sighs*) and then I got what I deemed to be the final blow...

I want to scream at the top of my lungs and never stop.

I want to run like a lunatic down the street screaming at the top of my lungs.

I want the world to know this kind of devastation.

I want the world to fear this kind of devastation.

I want to hear them all screaming with me as they too suffer this kind of living hell.

I want to be selfish and keep this grief all to myself.

I want to be angry at my friends for leaving me alone.

I want to be angry at the war for taking them from me.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs and never stop.

I want my friends here with me so my screams can turn to laughter.

I want to feel whole again.

I want to wallow in the darkness I am living in.

I want to dance in the light with my friends.

I want to be anywhere but here.

I want to be anyone but me.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs and never stop.

I want to be all these things because all I am is numb.



I am raw. Angry. Lonely. Bewildered. Ashamed. Frightened. Miserable. Rejected. Proud. Useless. Enraged. Incapable. Defeated…I could go on and on…I am a complete contradiction. Once, I had friends who understood me, now I am left to understand myself and that thought terrifies me. Once, I had friends who knew my soul, now I am left to nurture myself without their loving guidance. Once, I had friends who were like brothers. They were closer to me than any sibling I have. They were my family. They were everything to me. There is not a memory of my life that I have that doesn’t include them in some way. I am scared to create a life without them in it. I cannot imagine my life without them in it. At this moment, I cannot imagine life.

I remember every single moment, every single thought, every single feeling, every single…everything. I set out last year to learn how to nurture and love myself. I set out to find a life worth living without them in it. I accomplished so many things. I know they would be proud of the woman I am becoming but it is still NOT ENOUGH.

I still reach for the phone every single day to call them and talk to them. I still email them because I cannot bring myself to remove them from my distribution list. I still talk to their families and share stories, memories, and their suffering. I still talk about them all the time. I still fade into bleakness when I am taken by surprise by a person that reminds me of one of them, or a song on the radio that triggers memories…so many different times throughout every single day I feel besieged with the pain of my loss.

I know I spent a good chunk of 2006 learning how to COPE with loss but at these times it is all I can do to not drown in it. Sometimes I am strong enough to “get over” my feelings rather quickly, other times I can feel myself spiral down into my beautiful blackness.

I miss my friends. I miss my brothers. I miss my life. Time does not make this easier. I know I am sinking now because it is the anniversary of Mark’s death. I can add all the reason and logic into this that I want but it is still NOT ENOUGH. I should’ve waited before taking them to The Rock. I should’ve waited until now. I could be suffering in beauty then. It’s been ONE YEAR and I feel as lost today as I did 365 days ago.

I know it will never truly be ENOUGH. The only way it will be enough is if they could come back to me and life could carry on as was once normal.

How does someone move on, away from, the people who knew her heart the most intimately? How can someone be expected to do that?!?!?!? I truly wish I had the answers to those questions…and to anyone that says “time” I am gonna lose it on you *smiles sweetly*. Time heals nothing. It may make the ache less poignant, but it doesn’t take it away. It doesn’t replace the people. It doesn’t do anything but march on and force you to comply.

I wrote the above almost one year ago. I am still asking myself the exact same questions today. I feel really lost and alone right now. I don’t know if this is ever going to be something I can deal with.

I took a walk today with my puppy love and released five more balloons with personal messages written on them for each of my dearest friends. I released a balloon for me as well. I want to be with my friends so badly. I cannot imagine another fifty years without them. I had to do something to honor their lives today of all days, but it still feels like it is NOT ENOUGH.

Lonestar - Not A Day Goes By



I’ve Got a picture of you I carry in my heart

Close my eyes to see it when the world gets dark

Got a memory of you I carry in my soul

I wrap it close around me when the nights get cold

If you asked me how I'm doin' I'd say just fine

But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind



Not a day goes by that I don't think of you

After all this time you're still with me it's true

Somehow you remain locked so deep inside

Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by



I still wait for the phone in the middle of the night

Thinkin' you might call me if your dreams don't turn out right

And it still amazes me that I lie here in the dark

Wishin' you were next to me, your head against my heart

If you asked me how I'm doing I'd say just fine

But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind



Not a day goes by that I don't think of you

After all this time you're still with me it's true

Somehow you remain locked so deep inside

Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by



Minutes turn to hours, and the hours to days

Seems it's been forever that I've felt this way



Not a day goes by that I don't think of you

After all this time you're still with me it's true

Somehow you remain locked so deep inside

Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by

Happy New Year!

I hope everyone has had a fabulous start to the new year of 2007.

Lance and I have had a wonderful day. We slept in, made breakfast, watched a movie and then went to “Salute to Vienna” which is a New Years Day Concert held across the world between December 29 – January 5 of each and every year. For more information about Salute to Vienna, please click here: http://www.salutetovienna.com/index.php

At the concert we enjoyed classical Austrian symphony played by the Strauss Symphony of Canada conducted by Gerhard Track, as well as performances by the Vienna International Ballet and Austrian Operetta’s sung by a female soprano and a male tenor. You can see the personal information on each of them here: http://www.salutetovienna.com/stv_edmonton.php

If you are curious about what kind of music was played today, please click the MP3 player at the top of this blog entry. I have uploaded a few composures that were featured in the concert today.

We sang Edelweiss and Auld Lang Syne arm in arm with the 10,000+ sold out crowd. We clapped until our arms were numb and clapped some more. The conductor was one of the classiest gentlemen I have ever had the pleasure of being near. He was cultured and dignified, yet he was not pretentious, he made the audience laugh all afternoon with his stories. The Symphony was powerful and soft all at the same time. The Soprano brought tears to my eyes and the raw amazing power of the tenor was breathtaking. The ballet company was the epitome of grace and loveliness. It was a magical afternoon.

After the concert we went out for dinner and relaxed with a bottle of wine and some really good Italian food. We laughed and talked and laughed some more.

Thank you, Lance, for taking me to see this amazing concert again this year. I am so glad we are forming our own traditions. I cannot wait until January 1, 2008 when we get to go “back to Vienna” and experience this again. I love you baby.

Today was a beautiful & wondrous way to start 2007. I hope this finds you all smiling and finding wonder in the beauty of life.

Things To Achieve in 2007.

A--Accept
Accept others for who they are and for the choices they've made even if you have difficulty understanding their
beliefs, motives, or actions.

B--Break Away
Break away from everything that stands in the way of what you hope to accomplish with your life.

C--Create
Create a family of friends whom you can share your hopes, dreams, sorrows, and happiness with.

D--Decide
Decide that you'll be successful and happy come what may, and good things will find you. The roadblocks are only minor obstacles along the way.

E--Explore
Explore and experiment. The world has much to offer, and you have much to give. And every time you try something new, you'll learn more about yourself.

F--Forgive
Forgive and forget. Grudges only weigh you down and inspire unhappiness and grief. Soar above it, and remember that everyone makes mistakes.

G--Grow
Leave the childhood monsters behind. They can no longer hurt you or stand in your way.

H--Hope
Hope for the best and never forget that anything is possible as long as you remain dedicated to the task.

I--Ignore
Ignore the negative voice inside your head. Focus instead on your goals and remember your accomplishments. Your past success is only a small inkling of what the future holds.

J--Journey
Journey to new worlds, new possibilities, by remaining open-minded. Try to learn something new every day, and you'll grow.

K--Know
Know that no matter how bad things seem, they'll always get better. The warmth of spring always follows the harshest winter.

L--Love
Let love fill your heart instead of hate. When hate is in your heart, there's room for nothing else, but when love is in your heart, there's room for endless happiness.

M--Manage
Manage your time and your expenses wisely, and you'll suffer less stress and worry. Then you'll be able to focus on the important things in life.

N--Notice
Never ignore the poor, infirm, helpless, weak, or suffering. Offer your assistance when possible, and always your kindness and understanding.

O--Open
Open your eyes and take in all the beauty around you. Even during the worst of times, there's still much to be thankful for.

P--Play
Never forget to have fun along the way. Success means nothing without happiness.

Q--Question
Ask many questions, because you're here to learn.

R--Relax
Refuse to let worry and stress rule your life, and remember that things always have a way of working out in the end.

S--Share
Share your talent, skills, knowledge, and time with others. Everything that you invest in others will return to you many times over.

T--Try
Even when your dreams seem impossible to reach, try anyway. You'll be amazed by what you can accomplish.

U--Use
Use your gifts to your best ability. Talent that's wasted has no value. Talent that's used will bring unexpected rewards.

V--Value
Value the friends and family members who've supported and encouraged you, and be there for them as well.

W--Work
Work hard every day to be the best person you can be, but never feel guilty if you fall short of your goals. Every sunrise offers a second chance.

X--X-Ray
Look deep inside the hearts of those around you and you'll see the goodness and beauty within.

Y--Yield
Yield to commitment. If you stay on track and remain dedicated, you'll find success at the end of the road.

Z--Zoom
Zoom to a happy place when bad memories or sorrow rears its ugly head. Let nothing interfere with your goals. Instead, focus on your abilities, your dreams, and a brighter tomorrow.

I hope you all have a wonderful New Years Eve and that your 2007 will be filled with light and love.


With love from me & mine, to you & yours.

What I have learned in 2006.

I’ve been trying to assimilate all of the knowledge I have gained over the past 12 months into something coherent and useful for me but I keep spinning. I have no idea where to start…I’ve decided to make it easier on myself. So, in no particular order…

What I have learned in 2006.

I learned a brand new way to think this year. Instead of catastrophic thinking, I actually learned how to assess, work through, evaluate and grow all on my own. I no longer need (or seek) outside sources to tell me what to be, how to be, what’s important, what’s valuable…nothing. I am now able to fully rely upon myself and while it feels foreign, I also feel a supreme sense of accomplishment.

I learned how to be kinder to myself. I did not realize how hard I was on myself and those around me. I have been able to become more honest with myself and those around me. While my view point is not always understood or respected, I am able to now express myself in ways that enable me to be heard. I no longer beat myself up about things that ultimately, are completely out of my control. I have learned that if I can’t fix it, save it, help it, or control it I just shouldn’t worry about it. Life has a wonderful way of balancing out.

I have learned how to “talk to myself” in ways that are healthy. Instead of doing the “dammit Kris, that was really fucking stupid, you total moron” routine in my brain I am now able to recognize almost instantly when I have made a decision that is going to have negative impact on me and change my course accordingly. I didn’t realize how much life requires minute adjustments. Making the changes that are necessary to change the impact on me has reaffirmed my self confidence.

I learned to take some time out for ME. I finally recognized how valuable time away from everything and everyone is. I can read, meditate, cross stitch, watch a movie, go for a walk, swim, get a pedicure…really anything that involves me doing things I enjoy, and feeling no guilt for doing them.

I have learned to value exercise. Working out and swimming is almost a spiritual event for me now. I am able to separate from “reality” and just immerse myself in action and sweat and allow my brain to go wherever it wishes. I’ve lost almost 40+ pounds since I started my “get active” routine and that definitely helps my self esteem and drive to continue.

I have learned to value introspection and to not be afraid of what the outcome of it will be. I used to think ‘what will I be IF I get past “this” or IF I get over “that”’ and now I am less concerned with the outcome and more concerned with the journey. I am no longer afraid of what I will BE when I let go of the things that are unhealthy, unproductive, or self sabotaging.

I have learned appreciation for the things the people in my life give me. If viewed from a healthy perspective everything is a gift. “You have let your resentment over shadow your gratitude.” When Noel said those words to me I felt like I had slid into a black hole. I pulled myself out of it though. Recognizing that I was just too angry and that I was intentionally throwing out or disregarded everything good and worthwhile people taught me, gave me, or showed me was an epiphany. I also learned how to fill my emptiness with worthwhile and valuable things.

I have learned forgiveness without understanding. This was one of the hardest things for me to tolerate out of all the growth I have done this year. Forgiving myself for all of the things that I know I have done incorrectly or with ill intentions has been harder than I ever thought it could be. This is still one of the most valuable things I learned this year though, because I now have a way to measure my thoughts/feelings about myself. I may not always understand WHY I did something but I am able to quit beating myself up about it.

I have learned that acceptance does not always mean understanding. I finally closed the chapter on my rape this year. I finally said all the things I have ever wanted to say, I worked though the mirage of different emotions surrounding it, and I have effectively moved past it. To heal I had to accept that the event happened, regardless of the fact that I will never understand why.

I have learned that understanding is not paramount to moving on, letting go, and ultimate happiness. This was a supreme effort for me. I am a person that inherently needs to understand everything. I used to focus so much on the problem that the solution could never be seen. In figuring out how to take a step back from the situation to analyze it I am finally able to see solutions and make healthy decisions accordingly. I am still working at becoming comfortable with the knowledge that not everything is going to make sense all of the time and that I can still accept those things.

I have learned ALL about loss. I have walked the thin line between enormous rage and un-sufferable grief for almost a year now. I am now somewhat able to treasure my memories of my Boyz and feel comfort and peace knowing that they are never truly that far away from me. I did not realize how much work I did on loss until my grandpa passed away Dec 5^th and I was able to go through the process of grieving without getting buried underneath it. I know that I now have the tools in place to effectively deal with painful things that are going to happen in life, for that I am so grateful.

I have learned that moving past something does not mean that you will never revisit that thing and feel some of the emotions you worked through. I am a very black and white type of person. Shades of grey rarely exist for long in my life. I naively assumed that once I had worked through something and found some inner peace with it that I would no longer have to think about that thing. Life doesn’t work that way.

I have learned about unhealthy attachments this year. “Christine, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” When Brennan said that to me I wanted to knock his block off. I was SO angry. I kept working through it though, and realized that the quality of attachments I form and the type of person/personality I form them with are such that I lose all personal responsibility and control. I made sure I had someone to blame if it all fell apart. I am now taking full responsibility of every relationship I establish.

I have learned what it feels like to be BROKEN. Anyone that knows me knows I protect the people that I love. In the past, I was not kind about it. I was not subtle about it. I would get right in your face and break you down until there was nothing left of you. I enjoyed it. I thrived on it…Until I learned what its like to have your soul ripped out and shoved down your throat. I learned what it’s like hearing words that intentionally hurt. Once upon a time, I gave up every shred of personal power and control I might’ve had and handed it ALL over without question. I used to make my friends my unqualified unwilling guides in my life. Taking back my personal power and establishing boundaries with people in my life has been a continuing challenge, but it is one I am making progress on and I feel happy with.

I have learned what it feels like to be HAPPY. Happiness always struck me as such a simple thing, yet I have never been able to attain it in its true form. Simple things never mattered to me. I am now able to recognize that life is ALL about the little things. It is kindness shown in a mirage of different ways. I am now making an effort to “put out” what I want to receive. Some days it’s a challenge, especially when I go into chat *smirks*, but on the whole, I think I am doing MUCH better than I was a year ago.

I have learned what it feels like to LOVE and be loved. This has been a really rough year on Lance & I. Somehow we have managed to come through it stronger, healthier, and happier. I am so grateful for my partner, lover, and best friend. We work on our relationship daily. We talk about everything under the sun all the time. We know exactly where the other stands in life, in our relationship, in our jobs, in everything. The closeness I feel to him and the true amount of caring and affection I feel for him is indesribable. I wish everyone could experience this type of love at least once in their lives.

I have learned how to healthily interact with people without manipulation, guilt, and mind games. I am now forming strong and true attachments with the people that matter to me, instead of trying to be someone to everyone. Realizing that no matter how hard I tried I was always going to let someone down enabled me to simply walk away from that whole game. I am now someone to the people that are somebody’s to me. The feeling of knowing that I have some REAL friendships that I can rely and depend on is priceless.

I have learned the true power of just LETTING GO. I have “let go” of a lot of things this year. Harmful people and things are no longer welcome in my life. I now search for (and mostly find) tranquility in different every day places. I feel peaceful when I am curled up in Lance’s arms. I feel happy when I am walking my puppy. I feel content with who I am, where I am going, and how I am getting there. I am truly starting to enjoy the journey of life now.

I wouldn’t wish the year I have had on anyone. Those of you that have been reading my blog since its conception know exactly what I am talking about, those of you that haven’t, well, lets just say that it’s been a rough one. While I wouldn’t wish this year on anyone, I would highly recommend everyone experience it at least once in their lives. I have never learned so much. At the end of the day, I am grateful.