Secrets

If you reveal your secrets to the wind, you should not blame the wind for revealing them to the trees. ~Kahlil Gibran~

Inspirational Words

If Tommorrow Starts Without Me

"If tomorrow starts without me,

And I'm not there to see,

If the sun should rise and find your eyes

all filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn't cry

the way you did today,

While thinking of the many things,

We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,

As much as I love you,

And each time that you think of me,

I know you'll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,

Please try to understand,

that an angel came and called my name,

And took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready,

In heaven far above,

And that I'd have to leave behind

all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,

A tear fell from my eye,

For all my life, I'd always thought,

I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,

So much left yet to do,

it seemed almost impossible,

that I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,

The good ones and the bad,

I thought of all that we shared,

And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,

Just even for a while,

I'd say good-bye and kiss you

and maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,

That this could never be,

For emptiness and memories,

would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,

I might miss some tomorrow,

I thought of you, and when I did,

My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,

I felt so much at home.

When God looked down and smiled at me,

From His great golden throne,

He said, "This is eternity,

And all I've promised you."

Today your life on earth is past,

but here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,

But today will always last,

and since each day is the same way,

There's no longing for the past.

So when tomorrow starts without me,

don't think we're far apart,

For every time you think of me,

I'm right here, in your heart "

http://www.duirwaighgallery.com/movie.htm

The Power of a Dream

I saw this commercial and I LOVE IT!!!!!!!

Is it me or are car commercials becoming cooler?*lol*

Random Things That Irritate The Hell Out Of Me.

My inside voice filter is MIA again, so I figure I better make use of this while I wont have any residual feelings of guilt *grinz*


People that don’t know how to WALK irritate the hell out of me. You know the ones I am talking about. Imagine this…you are walking through the mall on a busy Saturday afternoon dodging kids, strollers, random insanity, and then all of a sudden a pack of women suddenly stumble out of a store right in front of you. In one hand they are clutching their latest shopping bag, in the other they are holding their still smoking credit card and they have this completely tuned out glazed over look on their faces and they just stand in the middle of the “walkway” of the mall making people dodge them and crash into each other to avoid walking right into them. Well screw that. No more Miss Nice Mall Walker. I am going start crashing into these idiots. I can’t remember a time when I have EVER walked around without noticing my surroundings, or been completely oblivious to the entire world around me. It’s time to take back the walk areas from the people that don’t know how to walk!! Maybe if they get run over enough times they’ll realize THEY are the problem.


People that wear MP3 players and don’t take the ear phones out of their ears to talk on their cell phones irritate the hell out of me. Anyone that has ever taken public transportation during rush hour can commiserate with this. These asshole teenagers with clothes that are either painted on their bodies, or clothes that are so big they have to hold them up with one hand while “posing” on the bus/train get on the transportation systems and not only are they in herds, they all have to compete to be the loudest. This morning this little punk that I privately have fantasies of wringing like a chicken, gets on the bus listening to his IPOD at a volume that was literally concert arena loud. To top it off, his choice in music sucked ass. So while we all suffered through this horrid disruption he some how notices that his cell phone was ringing. He answered it without turning down his IPOD and stood on the bloody bus screaming “Yo Dude! I can’t hear you man! I’m on the bus!” over the psychotic volume level of his IPOD…like it’s the buses fault that he’s putting out more noise pollution than all of the Rolling Stone Tours put together.*bangs head and screams*


People that clutch the “stuff” divider bar like its some holy grail of the grocery shopping line irritate the hell out of me. What do these people really think that divider bar is capable of? In reality, its capable absolutely nothing…Just ask the random people who went home with copies of Archie magazines, gum, batteries, and whatever else was handy at the check out because they so rudely slammed that stupid bar down with a withering dirty look because I didn’t put the divider bar down BEFORE I put down my arm load of groceries. I mean seriously. WTF?!?! DOWN WITH DIVIDER BARS!!! DOWN WITH DIVIDER BARS!!! Hey!! That’s an idea!! Maybe they should have lines WITH and WITHOUT divider bars. The seriously neurotic and idiotic ones can all get in the check out line with the bars and maybe with their “premier shopping point plans” they can order divider bars with their names on them in different colors. The rest of the world that can keep their stuff together without some psychotic divider bar swinging glaring moron breathing down their necks can get in the other checkout line.


People that section people off into neat little groups (example: lifestyle friends, ‘nilla friends, spiritual friends) and never the two paths shall cross irritate the hell out of me. How self absorbed and pathetic do you have to be to NOT realize that every single person has their own personality regardless of what kind of life they live. They can’t all be lumped together depending on how they relate to your life like trash bags tossed on the side of your driveway. Many spiritual men and women do not like the Dalai Lama, but according to this kind of person, the Dalia Lama is just like her/him because she/he is “spiritual”. Give me a fucking break. On top of it all, how much an insensitive ass do you have to be to only give public recognition of friendship to one specific type of group of your neatly labeled friends because the risk of offending that one specific group is so high. To anyone that has neatly labeled me this, or neatly labeled me that, all I have to say is a giant FUCK YOU, and I mean that from the deeply spiritual place that my soul is in *smirks*


People that don’t know how to chew with their mouths closed irritate the hell out of me. Why on earth the rest of the world has to suffer through watching you eat is beyond me. Have you ever seen yourself eat? You look like a cow in a field. All that’s missing is the green grass drool. Seriously. SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH ALREADY.


…wow…I didn’t think I would get this excited…in a really scary way, this experience is really liberating *lol*


That’s all I can think of at the moment…I know I will come up with more…


Now here’s the fun part….what irritates the hell out of you? *grinz*

True Character?

“When others asked the truth of me, I am convinced it was not the truth they wanted, but an illusion they could bear to live with.”

Alanis Morissette – Everything.

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind

I can withhold like it's going out of style

I can be the moodiest baby and you've never met anyone

Who is as negative as I am sometimes



I am the wisest woman you've ever met.

I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected.

I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen

And you've never met anyone

Who's as positive as I am sometimes.



You see everything, you see every part

You see all my light and you love my dark

You dig everything of which I'm ashamed

There's not anything to which you can't relate

And you're still here



I blame everyone else, not my own partaking

My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating

I'm terrified and mistrusting

And you've never met anyone as,

As closed down as I am sometimes.



You see everything, you see every part

You see all my light and you love my dark

You dig everything of which I'm ashamed

There's not anything to which you can't relate

And you're still here



What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know

What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go



I'm the funniest woman that you've ever known

I'm the dullest woman that you've ever known

I'm the most gorgeous woman that you've ever known

And you've never met anyone

Who is as everything as I am sometimes



You see everything (you see everything), you see every part (you see every part )

You see all my light (you see all my light) and you love my dark (and you love my dark )

You dig everything (you dig everything) of which I'm ashamed (of which I'm ashamed)

There's not anything (there's not anything) to which you can't relate (to which you can't relate)

And you're still here



(You see everything, you see every part)

And you're still here

(You see all my light and you love my dark)

And you're still here

(You dig everything of which I'm ashamed)

(There's not anything to which you can't relate)

And you're still here...

“By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and Third by experience, which is the bitterest.”

A woman is often measured by things she cannot control.

She is measured by the way her body curves or doesn’t curve, by where she is flat or straight or round.

She is measured by 36-24-36 and inches and ages and numbers, by all the outside things that don’t ever add up to who she is on the inside.

And so, if a woman is to be measured, let her be measured by the things she can control, by who she is and who she is trying to become.

Because every woman knows, measurements are only statistics, and statistics lie.

“For me, the adventures of the mind, each inflection of thought, each movement, nuance, and discovery is an immense source of exhilaration.”

All your life you are told the things you cannot do.

All your life they will say you aren’t good enough or strong enough or talented enough, they’ll say you’re the wrong height or the wrong weight or the wrong type to play this or be this or achieve this.

THEY WILL TELL YOU NO, a thousand times no until all the no’s become meaningless.

All your life they will tell you NO, quite firmly and very quickly

They will tell you NO, and YOU WILL TELL THEM YES.

“There are very few human beings who receive the truth, complete and staggering, by instant illumination. Most of them acquire it fragment by fragment, on a small scale, by successive developments, like a laborious mosaic.”

Our Deepest Fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our Deepest Fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our dark that most frightens us.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so other people don’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine as children do.

It’s not just in some of us it’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people the ability to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear our presence automatically liberates others.

“When you embrace all the things about yourself which you find unlovable, you will have automatically allowed the space for its opposite trait to manifest”

People don't know how to love. They bite rather than kiss. They slap rather than stroke. Maybe it's because they recognize how easy it is for love to go bad, to become suddenly impossible... unworkable, an exercise of futility. So they avoid it and seek solace in angst, and fear, and aggression, which are always there and readily available. Or maybe sometimes... they just don't have all the facts.

Anger and resentment can stop you in your tracks. That's what I know now. It needs nothing to burn but the air and the life that it swallows and smothers. It's real, though - the fury, even when it isn't. It can change you... turn you... mold you and shape you into something you're not. The only upside to anger, then... is the person you become. Hopefully someone that wakes up one day and realizes they're not afraid to take the journey, someone that knows that the truth is, at best, a partially told story. That anger, like growth, comes in spurts and fits, and in its wake, leaves a new chance at acceptance, and the promise of calm.

Sometimes what tears us apart helps put us back together.

“Compelling reason will never convince blinding emotion”

Sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things a person needs to believe in the most.

That people are basically good.

That honor, courage, and virtue mean everything.

That power and money, money and power, mean nothing.

That good always triumphs over evil.

And I want you to remember this ~ that love… true love… never dies.

You remember that and then it doesn’t matter if it’s true or not.

You see, a person should believe in those things, because those are the things worth believing in.

“You teach best what you most need to learn.”

Think.

What do you fantasize about?

World peace? Money-Fame- Ferrari? A Pulitzer? A Nobel prize? An MTV music award? A genius hunk ~ ostensibly bad but secretly shimmering with noble passions, and willing to sleep on the wet spot? A Victoria’s secret model ~ just slumming it between law school and running her family’s vastly endowed foundation for Tragically Sad-Eyed Children?

Okay, good, you see my point.

Fantasies must be unrealistic.

The minute you get something, you don’t, you can’t, want it anymore.

To exist, desire needs absent objects. So desire supports itself with crazy fantasies…

This is what people mean when they says the only time we are truly happy is when we are day-dreaming about future happiness. Or why they say, “The hunt is sweeter than the kill” or “Be careful what you wish for.” Not because you’ll get it, but because you are doomed not to want it if you do.

“Not being known doesn't stop the truth from being true.”

I Declare

I went to support group on Friday. Its been 3 whole weeks since I “graduated” and I felt guilty for skipping last weeks support group so I trudged through the sleeting rain and gazillion mile an hour winds to go and work. Well…ok…maybe not work exactly…more like see Lorraine and Carla and catch up on the gossip…I just wanted to make an appearance…not actually SAY anything. So...anyway…as I was saying…I went to the support group. Lorraine and Carla were there…we had a good 20 minute chat before group started and got all caught up and Lorraine told me that she didn’t go to the support group last week either, so I didn’t feel so guilty for not going *lol*

Group starts and this girl I’ve never met starts talking about something she witnessed when she was a young child ~I think she said 5 years old~ and how the man that did this horrible thing to this other child is still going to her families church and how her entire life she didn’t know what to do with her fear of him and a situation like that happening to her. (sorry I am not specific, she was really vague)

Brennan ~therapist~ jumps on that and starts to push her a little bit about what carrying around that fear is giving her. It must be giving her something otherwise she wouldn’t be doing it. He works with this girl for about 30 minutes and then he looks right at me and says to the group “can anyone else relate with residing fear from a traumatic event?” *groans* I sit silently, he keeps staring at me. The entire room is quiet…no one really knows what to do with the story this girl has told yet.

I finally say “I think I can relate to this, but I am not sure how”…the only reason I opened my mouth was because Brennan kept staring at me. He smiles at me ~that’s when you gotta be afraid of Brennan…he never smiles unless someone else is going somewhere really uncomfortable *sighs*~ and says “well, what are you thinking of Christine?” *bangs head* I just wanted to see my friends and catch up on the gossip damnit!!!!

I glare at him and say “when I was 21 I was raped by a boy I had dated for almost the entirety of high school…*insert room gasp here*…I did what I was supposed to. I pressed charges. I sent him and his friends to jail. I went to “surviving rape” counseling. I followed all the rules. He was released from jail in 2004. He served 5 years. His friends served 2 years. They were out in 2001. I am constantly wondering when I am going to bump into them. What would happen, what I would say, what I would do.”

Brennan then says “What do you think you would you do or say if you bumped into him and his friends?”

I look at him like he has three heads and I can’t decide which one I want to smack first and said “I would kill him.”

He sighs, looks at me and shakes his head ~another tell sign with him, it means he knows you don’t wanna work and his getting ready to give up on you and move on so someone else in the room can work instead ~ and says “well, murder has definite behavior consequences, so barring that, what do you think you would do? What would you want to say to him and his friends?”

Aha! I think I am catching on to his train of thought now…so I blast out “how fucking dare you???!!!!!!???!!!! would pretty much sum up anything I have ever wanted to say” and then Brennan sighs again. He looks at me and says “the only things you would ask him are questions? You wouldn’t want him to know what he has done to you? The impact his assault has left on you? The only thing you would settle for are questions that don’t have answers?”

I stumble a little bit…I have never actually THOUGHT about saying ANYTHING to him. I went to his court appointed psychiatric sessions because I was ordered to. I heard everything he needed to say. I didn’t even think that I had anything to return.

Brennan watches me toss this new idea around in my brain and then says “Christine, What would you want to declare to him and his friends? Even if you can’t address them in reality you can still address them in your therapy.”

I pipe back with “I sincerely don’t have a clue what I want to DECLARE to him or his friends. Why do I have to declare anything? I think the fear they left me with isn’t necessarily a bad thing.”

Brennan just smiles and says “I think you have to declare something to take more of the power back from this situation. How can you expect to fully heal when you won’t recognize the feelings you have? It seems like you do have something to say. Think about it a little bit and bring it back to group next week. We’ll stop there” and I got to go home for the weekend.*bangs head*

So….what do I want to declare?

20 minutes later I am still sitting here staring at the screen…*sighs*

Dammit. This is hard. Ok. I think I have an idea.

September 16, 2006

Dear ******,

It has been 8 years since you attacked me. Attack…It’s such a light and breezy word full of misinterpretations. It has been 8 years since you and your friend’s raped me and almost murdered me.

When we were a couple in High School I never would’ve imagined that this is how we would turn out when it was all said and done. When I was 16 I actually thought that you were my “forever.” You were the first man I had in my life who truly showed me what it meant to feel treasured and cherished. You were always so concerned about my safety and my happiness. If I worked late you were always waiting to take the bus home with me, or drive me once we got our licenses and vehicles. You used to create all these weird and wonderfully romantic ways to celebrate us. You taught me that it was GOOD to dream. You taught me HOW to strive for what I really want. I loved you.

Breaking up with you is still one of the hardest things I have ever done. I know we both tried to hang on and fix what was wrong but at 17 neither of us had a clue how to do either of those things. Life wasn’t meant to be hard. Teenage love wasn’t supposed to be fueled with fights and anger. The day we sat down in those bleachers and I actually said the words “******, I am sorry, but we are over” was almost impossible for me to do. The fact that we agreed to still go to Prom after we had split was in a lot of ways even worse.

You have changed my entire life. In one hand you gave me dreams and in the other hand you killed them. In one hand you filled me with love and in the other hand you filled me with rage. I wish I could say that I understand. I wish I could say that it’s OK. My heart wants to forgive you but my brain keeps refusing.

The night you raped me you left me with a completely shattered knee, damaged internal organs, broken ribs, severe infections from the cigar burns, and broken collarbones but the thing that hurt the most was my heart. I spent months in a coma and years in surgeries to reconstruct my knee, reset the broken bones, heal the internal organs, skin graft the burns you allowed your friends to give me, and under a laser to remove 99% of the scars. When we were in trial I was still covered in bruises. You used to look at me and cry. Your eyes used to beg me to forgive you.

Your lawyers were doing everything they could to make me look like a whore and you sat at the table watching me and crying. You allowed these random strangers to brutalize me over and over again and I was supposed to love you enough to forgive you. When you took the stand I was shocked. Your defense team asked you about the sledgehammer and you said “I don’t remember doing that to her.” They asked you about the knife and you replied with the same answer. The jury kept looking at me like something was wrong with ME because you were the only person involved in that night that was crying. I refused to give you any more emotion ******.

Whenever I hear someone say “I love you” I instantly flash back to the night you told me the same thing. The only difference is you were holding a knife to my throat when you said those words to me for the last time. I am so full of confusion and resentment towards you.

As time has moved on and I have healed whenever I remember you I instantly remember the good times, the fun times, the crazy teenage things we used to do and then it all slams back to me in a huge ‘oh yea’ and the memories turn into a nightmare.

I am so angry at you. I am even angrier at myself for not being able to give up my memories of our happier times. I know that no one is really going to understand this conflict. I know my friends will exclaim something to the effect of “how can you still think kindly of him” but ******, despite everything, I don’t sincerely hate you. Maybe that’s an indication of growth, or maybe that’s an indication of how deluded I am. I am trying to view it as me taking back some of the emotional power you have had over me.

I want you to know how badly you hurt me. I want you to know how horribly you impaired me. I want you to know that because of you I suffer every day. I want you to understand that in my darkest moments I want you to die. I want your death to be slow and painful. I want you to be surrounded by people that only want to scar you and I want you to feel your heart being ripped out of your body and trod upon.

You used to tell me that you loved my poetry. I wrote a lot while I was in the hospital recovering from what you did to me. I don’t think you will like any of it now. That thought gives me some satisfaction. It gives me some power. I want to include some of the things I’ve written about you but my motives are purely vindictive and that won’t teach me anything. Despite all that I still want you to read them and I want you to feel the hurt and destruction you’ve caused.

In my fantasies, if I was to see you on a street I would walk right up to you and start screaming at you. I would physically beat you until you too had to be taught how to walk again. I would recruit who ever I could to join in and help me break you. In my darkest moments I would take you to a deserted farmers field and hold a knife to your throat while other people destroyed you. I have this vision of you tied to a tree. In my vision someone nails your penis to a piece of wood and hands me a torch. In my vision I light the torch and watch as you scream, cry and beg.

In my reality, I would never underestimate you. I would run for cover and hide from you. You didn’t feel it necessary to kill me 8 years ago but you might change your mind. I am under no illusion that I can over power you physically but I know I am stronger than you will ever be mentally. I know I can out think and out maneuver you.

In some way I want to thank you for putting me through hell. You gave me the gift of caution. The fear you instilled in me has its benefits. I am coming to terms with everything that has happened since the day I met you. I have changed from the 15 year old girl with stars in her eyes that you met and fell in love with. I am a 29 year old woman now who knows her worth and her strength.

Even with the knowledge of hindsight, even if I had known what was going to happen to me because of you, I still wouldn’t trade those memories in. I wouldn’t erase you from my life. I have nothing left to give you. I have nothing left to feel for you. I have nothing left to say to you. I just wanted you to know.

Christine.