The Earth Died With Thought

My start date for fulltime treatment is May 1st. They upped my dose of citalophram and changed my sleeping pill to a tranquilizer…makes for a great sleep, but I’ve been up since 9 am and I still stoned from the pill the night before, so it’s not that great.

I am trying to get back to a place of emotional stability but every time I find solid footing something else kicks my feet out from under me. Lance is being amazing through all of this. He is keeping me together with his calm easy way of just being. He doesn’t put demands on me and he accepts me good bad and ugly…and lately, it’s been pretty ugly. We had a really good talk last night about RUNNING. I am so busy running FROM everything that’s going on (not that I recognized it as running away…) He stopped me cold with one question. He asked me “Babe, why aren’t you running TO me?” and I completely lost it. It felt so good to just LET GO. I am going to learn how to lean on him (any tips on how to do that would be great) and I am going to learn how to love him as passionately and deeply as he loves me. That’s not to say that I don’t love him, I am just recognizing that he is giving me more than I am giving him and his gentle heart deserves so much more.

I stumbled across this poem, I don’t know who wrote it, but I found it beautiful. It touched on my “Carrying the weight of the world” mood that I am wallowing in.

The Earth Died With Thought

a war makes a beast

of men once with faith

another politician climbs a ladder

and pulls it up without haste

the charities give to power

while the children go to waste

and a leader with pride

joins the munitions race

a child of divorce

feels even less of worth

a sixteen year old mom

gives yet another birth

tax kills a widow who grapples with dearth

cancer continues,

while we're cancer to Earth

industry claims

to help common man

but seem to help only those

who put cash in their hands

a survivalist fights back

and no one understands

a flag burns in the distance

un-united we stand

a prison overcrowds

released are many

but only the ones

who've saved a pretty penny

the innocent cry

only to lose their sanity

unfair is justice

more faith grows empty

is there anything to sacrifice

anything at all

something to erode

this self-mending wall

standing around

we let it grow tall

and listen to the echo

when help is called

the mornings of happiness

end with nights of sorrow

holding on to the hope

that there will be a tomorrow

but as humans rape more

their hearts become hollow

and the earth died with thought

our species just follow