Anxiety

Anxiety is the space between the “now” and the “then”

Ok, its GAME ON time. They have bumped my start date to TOMMORROW. I am totally freaking out, even though sensy & alex have done their best to calm me down (Thanks ladies, love you both) I recognize that my anxiety is coming because it is a totally foreign unknown uncontrollable realm. Lord knows what I am going to have to hear or listen to in the mirage of different groups I will be interacting with. There is a role play group, it goes on every day for 2 hours, and you can role play anything…if I wanted to act I would be in Hollywood…how the fuck is re-enacting anything going to fix it?! Seriously!!

Every faculty and virtue I possess can be used as an instrument with which to worry myself.

The first few days of this experience I am just simply going to be a quiet observer and hope to god I get away with it. The therapists have already warned me that quietness is only allowed for so long before they will pin you down and rip you open *sighs* so there’s something else to look forward to *rolls eyes and sighs*…a therapists will against my own…should be an interesting battle…but I signed up for this, so I know that logically it shouldn’t be a battle…but I cant help but think it will be.

Don’t be forecasting Evil unless it is what you can guard against. Anxiety is good for nothing if we can’t turn it into a defense.

I am torn between approaching this with a “go with the flow” attitude and a “scientific” approach. If I am analyzing something I always use a removed view point…the joy of being a Gemini, you can remove yourself from anything and look at it impartially… but if I approach it scientifically, how emotionally involved will I really be? How useful is this 24 week (yea, 24 weeks…half a year of this *sighs*) adventure really going to be? But if I approach it with a “go with the flow” attitude, then I may find myself more emotionally involved than I want to be…and besides, go with the flow is something I am simply just NOT good at. *makes a note that control is an issue*

Neither comprehension nor learning can take place in an atmosphere of anxiety.

I know there are going to be things said and emotions surfaced during the groups. The complete lack of control I have of these things is driving me nuts. I know I am going to piss people off, and I am positive they are going to piss me off. I know I will sympathize with some people, and feel the urge to laugh at others. Self control is going to be a huge deal along with the psycho-babble of treatment. The real test is going to be cutting through the bullshit and seeing what IS for what it REALLY is. I don’t want to get wrapped up in other people’s crap. I don’t have the emotional energy left to spare. This situation is giving me no option and empathy is not high on my list of things to worry about right now

Anxiety is a thin steam of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.