Musical Memories

For Me

Douse me in hollowness,

secure me in numbness.

Construct for me the pathway to serenity.

Feed me the fuel of sophistication,

Spoil me bare in stability.

Nudge me into the hole of forfeit.

Sever my insecurity,

Destroy my decaying image.

Protect me from the foul thoughts

In the deepest clefts in my mind.

Grasp my hand as we gallop into absoluteness.

I curled up tonight and listened to My Boyz band and some of our other favorite bands. The smartest thing I ever did was ask them to record some of their stuff. At least I can now have their voices whenever I need to hear them. I sat here and cried my eyes out while their words kept repeating over and over on my computer and the memories kept playing over and over in my mind.

I had a really good laugh remembering the days we recorded some of the stuff and how crazy funny we were. The day M decided he wanted to attempt a re-do of a Lords of Acid song and asked T & I to do the back up, so T & I were in the booth, HAMMERED, bumping and grinding like lunatics trying to make M mess up…laughing our asses off trying to get the girlie squeeeeeel of the song “just right” while D sat in the recording booth trying to take our laughter off the track ….*howls with laughter* that is my favorite memory of T.

I listened to J play his guitars…his solo tracks and the one with the beautiful Spanish guitar and I remembered curling up in front of a camp fire with the stars shining brightly, the mountains dark images behind us, everything around us dead silent except for the spark and hiss of the flames while J played. That is my favorite memory of him. The quiet interludes that were just us and we could just be together and enjoy each other and the world around us.

I listened to some bad NYC rap just for D. He loved that thug shit. He was so much like Mark. My favorite memory of D is when he pinned me beneath the dashboard of Mark’s “pimpin-thug-wanna-be-chico-mobile” when Mark decided to make it bounce thru SOHO like an idiot in rush hour traffic and everyone in the car was scrambling to hide *lol* I ended up on the floor pinned beside D under the huge dashboard and we were hanging on to each other laughing our assess off singing “This is D-Block, Mighty Mighty D-Block” at the top of our lungs *lmfao*

My music player eventually got to VNV Nation and I had some time to curl up and think about M. He was the most like me. The two of us could always find trouble together. We thrived on it. *grinz* We had inside little jokes that could set the other off at the most inappropriate moments (like the time we were in Boston attending Easter Mass with the Crazy Italian family of T & J) We had so much fun road trippin’ in high school. We used to do tours of Alberta’s small towns to see all the wacky weird and wonderful crap towns will do to get traffic in them. (And I don’t care what you think M; the statue of the Perogy with a fork stuck thru it was far better than the statue of the huge duck!! *lol*) M was my twin in every sense of the word. Whenever M & I would curl up and talk about any topic under the sun, VNV Nation was always playing in the background.

VNV Nation - Beloved

It's colder than before;

The seasons took all they had come for.

Now winter dances here.

It seems so fitting don't you think

To dress the ground in white and grey.

It's so quiet

I can hear my thoughts touching every second that

I spent waiting for you.

Circumstances afford me no second chance to tell you

How much I've missed you.

My beloved do you know

When the warm wind comes again

Another year will start to pass?

Please don't ask me why I’m here.

Something deeper brought me than a need to remember.

We were once young and blessed with wings.

No heights could keep us from their reach

No sacred place we did not soar.

Still greater things burned within us.

I don't regret the choices that I made.

I know you feel the same.

My beloved do you know

How many times I stared at clouds

Thinking that I saw you there?

These are feelings that do not pass so easily.

I can't forget what we claimed as ours.

Moments lost though time remains.

I am still proud of what we were.

No pain remains, no feeling.

Eternity awaits.

Grant me wings that I might fly.

My restless soul is longing.

No pain remains, no feeling.

Eternity awaits.

These Men are my brothers. They are my best friends. They are my support system, my fearless adventurers, and my guides along the path of life. Music was always involved in anything we did. We always found our souls in music. There was never anything that couldn’t be said better when a melody was attached to it. I don’t think I am ever going to understand this loss. I don’t think I am ever going to accept it. I don’t think I am ever going to be able to create friendships like the ones I had with them. I don’t think I want to.

How does someone move on, away from, the people who knew her heart the most intimately? How can someone be expected to do that?!?!?!? I truly wish I had the answers to those questions…and to anyone that says “time” I am gonna lose it on you *smiles sweetly*. Time heals nothing. It may make the ache less poignant, but it doesn’t take it away. It doesn’t replace the people. It doesn’t do anything but march on and force you to comply.

They all offered me something so different… J bought out the “fight champ” in me…no one can piss me off quite like that man *lol*…T centered and calmed me…M made me laugh and just let me know that his shoulder was there if I needed it…Mark just let me BE…I didn’t have to be weak, strong, angry or anything else, I could just decompress…D gave me the logical kick in the ass…and all of them together made up the whole of me. I knew that I could run to them with anything at any time and I would be taken care of, loved, protected, safe, encouraged, supported, cherished, laughed with (and at *lol*)…I don’t know what I am going to do without them. As much as I wish I could say “oh, I’ll imagine what they would say/do and just say/do that” but I know I won’t be able to.

It’s been a ...rough...few days. I feel like I should just have a phone surgically attached to my head. I don’t think there is a remaining family member in any of their families that I haven’t talked to. I can officially declare that I am never befriending another Italian for as long as I live *lol* they are all crazy, even if they are some of the best people I have ever met *lol*

I ran my brain on some of my favorite memories of all of us together. From the day T got his red contacts (that still makes me shudder and laugh at the same time...) to the day M got his teeth surgically sharpened (gotta admit, it looked pretty cool), to Marks fascinated horror at the rubber bands in bondage a go go in LA, to the Halloween party in Salem where we all scared the shit out of each other and I couldn’t sleep for weeks (all you boyz are still a buncha assholes for that *lmao*), to Mardi Gras and body paint that was more like super glue (lmfaoooooo @ D&J when they got stuck together), to "Loonie Cruises" out to see all the weird and fucked up things small towns do to get on the map ( I still think the perogy with the huge fork stuck thru it was the winner! screw the unbelievably huge duck! lmao), to " I NEED to see mountains", to Pete's for milkshakes, to the caves and getting ridiculously lost in them because SOMEONE (Mark *smirks*) was just "too cool" to tie a rope around his waist and SOMEONE insisted on leading us all into terror (lol), to the weekly "debates" where we would all converge and argue ourselves into hysterical laughter, to scrabble (swear to dawg I am never playing that shitty game ever again), to spending quiet afternoons in the butterfly room at the Devonian gardens, to the corn maze (where Mark once again got us all lost…seriously…why did we allow him to lead so often!? *lmao*), to hiking and just sitting on top of a mountain and listening to life in the silence, to hitting all the fetish clubs in NY, MA, LA & CA and terrifying D & Mark (lmfao @ the look on their faces when a pair of tranny's in sequins hit on them), to Jasper for spur of the moment A&W teen burgers, to music and all the concerts and shows and writing and recording and everything else we all did surrounded by music, to writing poetry and baring our souls,....and I could go on and on....but those are some of the memories that really bring them all back and make me smile (and howl with laughter...D sometimes I really feel for ya *lmao*)

The one thing I regret is not going camera happy and getting pictures of all of the times...not that T woulda let me take pictures of him anyway *grumbles* what few pictures we all have of him had to be snapped quickly and then ya had to run for your life *lol* but still...it would be nice to have a lot more pictures of all of us. I am grieving the loss of my old yahoo account even more now, I had tons of pictures in that accounts photo album that I stupidly didnt back up and save anywhere else...*sighs*

Losing My Boyz means I have lost the last people in my life that knew me good bad & ugly and loved me dearly anyway. They taught me so much. They stood by me thru so much. There is not a day that will go by that I won’t think of you my dearest Friends and miss you desperately. T, I remember when you sang the Lonestar song at karaoke the night before you moved and dedicated it to US - D, J, M, Mark, & Me - and the friendship we will always have, you winked at me and told me if I ever need you that all I had to do was close my eyes and there you would be....Mark, I remember sitting on the beach with J playing the guitar, my head on your leg, your hand running thru my hair as you sang softly and we all just watched the fire burn....I remember staying up for nights on end talking, arguing, laughing and doing some of the most retarded things imaginable. M, I still say you looked hot hot hot with kool-aid red dyed hair *smirks* ya never got me back for that by the way...and D, shampoo is still better!!! So stop looking at me swan!! *rolls with laughter* J, I remember when your son was born and the look of complete awe on your face when you saw him for the first time...I remember ...everything. Thank you for teaching me about life, about myself, and for giving me the courage and strength to recognize and accept who I am. You have all given me the most incredible gifts and I will love you dearly until I meet you in the dungeon after life party and kick your asses for leaving me. I promise to remain the dreamer and I promise to never lose sight of the stars.

Tomorrow I will release balloons for all of your souls to float safely on and I will release another one for Mark so he is able to find all of you. I find comfort in knowing that you will all be together still watching over me from afar. I will also release one balloon for me. I want to be with all of you. I will never forget any of you. I love you all so very much. Thank you for loving me.

Lonestar - Not A Day Goes By

I’ve Got a picture of you I carry in my heart

Close my eyes to see it when the world gets dark

Got a memory of you I carry in my soul

I wrap it close around me when the nights get cold

If you asked me how I'm doin' I'd say just fine

But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you

After all this time you're still with me it's true

Somehow you remain locked so deep inside

Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by

I still wait for the phone in the middle of the night

Thinkin' you might call me if your dreams don't turn out right

And it still amazes me that I lie here in the dark

Wishin' you were next to me, your head against my heart

If you asked me how I'm doing I'd say just fine

But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you

After all this time you're still with me it's true

Somehow you remain locked so deep inside

Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by

Minutes turn to hours, and the hours to days

Seems it's been forever that I've felt this way

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you

After all this time you're still with me it's true

Somehow you remain locked so deep inside

Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by