Insanity.

Over the past few days in group I have been trying to deal with my horrendous loss. I have had people relate to me, I have other people that get pissed off at me. I have had a mirage of different feelings, thoughts, emotions from a variety of different people.
Brennan (a therapist) made me (yes, literally, MADE ME…swear to gawd he’s a freekin sadist) act out in a role play my favorite memory of ALL of us together. Me & My Boyz. I couldn’t pick a favorite memory. I became completely overwhelmed and totally lost my composure and he wouldn’t let me just cry. He decided that reenacting something from my memory was the truest way to recognize that memories are all I have left.

I couldn’t do it. I tried. I came up with a memory of all of us sitting on the beach in Florida, J with his guitar, T & M singing, Mark stroking my hair, D just kicked back listening to the fire crack and pointing out the constellations of stars to me (and I still cant see any of them…*sighs* anyway…) that was my memory. The one I was willing to reenact and work on anyway.

So, I picked different people in the group to “be” my Boyz. I didn’t realize that I had picked the people that they are most like until David started talking and all I saw was T. His mannerisms, His gestures, His tone of voice…EVERYTHING. It was like looking at T. I had another complete breakdown. Brennan kept pushing me and pushing me. At this point I was like a 2 year old having a temper tantrum. I was curled up on the floor (because my head was supposed to be on Mark’s leg…anyway…) in a tight little ball and I just started rocking and screaming NO over and over again.

Brennan let me scream till I couldn’t do it anymore. He then asked the entire group to form a circle and give me their perceptions/opinions/feedback on the scene and that’s when shit got UGLY.

Anyone that knows me knows I protect the people that I love. I am not kind about it. I am not subtle about it. I will get right in your face and break you down until there is nothing left of you. I enjoy it. I thrive on it. And that’s what Brennan was trying to teach me.

Anyone that knows me knows I protect the people that I love. I am not kind about it. I am not subtle about it. I will get right in your face and break you down until there is nothing left of you. I enjoy it. I thrive on it. And that’s what Brennan was trying to teach me.

David told me that he felt in complete control, that I gave up every shred of personal power and control I might’ve had and handed it ALL over without question. I made him my unqualified unwilling guide in a scene I should’ve controlled. It was MY heartbreak, MY memory…it was all mine, but I subconsciously shifted the responsibility of it to David. David asked me how often I do this with people that I am comfortable with. The honest answer was too much. That’s when Brennan jumped back in.

I thought I would be dealing with my grief today, but it became about the quality of attachments I form and the type of person/personality I form them with. I never even thought that my Boyz all gave me something my dad never did/would/could until Brennan told me that in my Boyz I had simply found my “Father Figure” and so I attached on to them and focused solely on their friendships. No one else mattered to me. I had finally found what I needed/wanted. And now because of that, I am left feeling very isolated and very alone. It's even worse knowing that I am feeling that way because I PUT myself into this situation to begin with.

Brennan drug me kicking and screaming towards a very painful hurtful thing. I feel my memories of my Boyz and all my time spent with them is becoming tainted now. I feel myself becoming insanely angry. I want to keep the 5 Men that loved me dearly in the cocoon of glowing memories that I have created for them to rest in. I don’t want them twisted into something evil and malicious on my part….but it’s happening.

Then, Brennan, just getting into the swing of things with me, decided to ask the group about the attachments I’ve formed with them. Turns out that the men in the group feel that I am forming “Father Figure” relationships with them as well. *sighs* I truly don’t understand that. But, Brennan wasn’t quite done with me…as we were winding down the group he looked at me and said “Christine, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. You’ve got a lot of work to do on this. We have to end there.” And the group ended and I was left beat up, used, and spit back out.

I am angry, incredibly hurt, sad, confused, torn…you name it. I am a complete mess. Psychotherapy fucking sucks.