Wishes

On Friday when I checked the mail I received the shock of my life. In the mail amongst all the bills, junk flyers, and other things I found a simple envelope addressed to me in handwriting I did not recognize from a country I have never been to.

It piqued my interest immediately, so before waiting till I walked back to my house (damn I miss door to door mail!!) to open it, I decided to rip it open right then and there. My impulsiveness is something that I am going to have to learn how to control; such is the lesson I was to learn.

Inside this envelope was a letter from a Soldier in Iraq that was in the same base camp as my Boyz. He was never sent out of the camp, for reasons unknown to me, so as he went on to explain, letters and memento’s and other important things were always left in his safe keeping to send home to loved ones in case the men that did get sent out of the relative safety of the base camp didn’t make it back.

He told me how sorry he was for my loss of Mark, T, J, D, & M and then said how sorry he was for not having the ability to forward this letter to me sooner. He told me about all the talks he had engaged in with all my Boyz and reminisced about some of the stories they told him about all of the crazy things we all did together. He reminded me that I was loved and cared for and that my pain was not solitary in its existence.

Inside the envelope from this kind Soldier was another envelope folded in half with just my name & address written on it. As soon as I saw the writing on that envelope I knew who it was from. My heart almost stopped. I started to cry and shake and then I realized that I felt like I was going to pass out. I hit the ground with a thud on a neighbor’s front lawn and just sat there staring at this seemingly innocent white piece of paper that had somehow traveled to me.

I received a letter from Mark.

In this letter Mark told me how proud of me he was. How proud of me he had always been. He told me that the best memories of his life included me, no matter how horrifying the reason for me being there. He told me that he never truly understood the word LOVE until I arrived in New York 5 days after 9/11 out of the blue because I couldn’t get a hold of him and simply sat in his office at work until someone finally found him and told him to come in immediately. He told me that he admired my strength and my ability to just know what needed to be done and doing it during that heartbreaking time. He reminisced about some of our earliest times together. He talked about all the places we had been together, all the places we wanted to go together and made me promise to take him to those places when I go. He told me that he didn’t want to leave me and that he didn’t want to die. He apologized over and over for doing both of those things, because if I was reading this letter, he was gone. He told me what I already knew, that I was the executrix of his estate and that the majority of life’s little things, he left to me in his will. He asked me to keep his treasures safe and to use them in my life to grow and evolve. He reminded me about the balloon oath we all made one day when we were hiking in the mountains and suddenly saw this brilliant red balloon float by. It looked like an angel was carrying it with the way the sunlight and clouds were formed around it. He asked me to promise to bring him home and let him eternally rest at The Rock. He told me that I will forever be loved and cherished and that I will always be watched over and guided by him because he is in my heart and soul, just as I am in his. He asked me to forgive him for joining the military after 9/11.

~That decision was our first real fight in almost 20 years of friendship. We were both screaming at each other near the end of it. Something in me knew that if he got sent to hell he wouldn’t come home from it. I begged him not to go. I begged them all not to go. I am now left with the eternal knowledge that my intuition was correct and the numbing loss of my 5 dearest truest friends~

He asked me to remember everything I have learned through life and through his guidance into all things that are enlightening. He reminded me that though I may be learning something I may not understand at the moment, there will come a time that I will need that knowledge. He asked me to rely on my instincts and to keep my heart open. He told me that I am the dearest friend his heart has ever known and that I was a blessing to him and his family. He told me that I am cherished and treasured, that I am valued and respected, and that I am deserving of happiness. He then left me with a final piece of advice, which I am still amazed at. Even when he wasn’t HERE with me, he was still always here with me. He always knew what my heart and soul needed to hear. He left me one final moment of clarity before he told me that he loves me dearly and signed his name with an “xoxo” underneath and finished the letter.

And where might you be headed?
To a place of UNDERSTANDING.
To a knowingness
of your importance, INFINITE;
of your reach, IMMEASURABLE;
of your power, UNLIMITED;
of your worth, INCALCULABLE.

Only when pressed with darkness, can you begin to seek the light. And how could you understand your authority… if you had not first relinquished it? How could you find your way, if you had not first strayed? Now, your experiments with darkness, limits, and fear have long outgrown their use. It’s time to wake up… to remember… to know… that

YOU ARE FAR MORE
than the role you’ve been playing.

YOU ARE

the light,
the power,
the way...
For whom
ALL THINGS
are possible.

As I mentioned in an earlier blog, I have been in close contact with T & J’s family. They still want me to come to the funeral on the 28th but I have officially declined their invite, though I appreciate the kindness in which the offer was extended, I have no wish to put myself through another Italian funeral. T & J’s dad has promised to send me their ashes so I can fulfill their wishes and the promises I made to them. D & M’s family has also promised to do the same. My locket should be ready in early July which means I will be able to keep them all close to my heart as I take them to where they want to be.

Lance is a little angry about me needing to do this road trip to The Rock alone. He is doubly concerned and adamant that he should come with me now that I am pregnant. I have promised him that I will respect my body’s limitations, and if that means I cannot hike to the top of the Angel Glacier but only walk to an area just off the parking lot and into the meadow before the hiking trail starts, so be it, I will only go that far. He wants to come with me and has promised to remain out of the way ~ which is impossible to do in a car. Am I wrong in demanding my final alone time with my dearest friends? Am I wrong in my final decision to go alone? I know deep within my soul that I will need every moment of the trip to remember them all in all the ways they have touched my life. I will need every moment of the trip to cry and wail and laugh and simply grieve. I don’t want to share my loss. I dont want to have to explain what I am thinking or relive my memories outloud because I will feel forced to include him. He has never met them, he doesn’t know them. To me it feels like I would be bringing a complete stranger on a final heartbreaking trip down memory lane. It feels like interference. It makes me feel angry. It makes me feel guilty for being angry because I know he is just trying to care for me.

T & J’s dad has decided to honor his Sons wishes and have this beautiful piece read at their funeral. I am quite proud of him for making that decision, as I know he is a devout Roman Catholic and this is going quite against the grain. It is his way of showing a final respectful tribute to the beautiful, brilliant Men he raised.

"...supremely happy, in a "place" of profound and unspeakable beauty. A place where all are bathed in showers of unconditional LOVE. I am home, and before long, you will be too, and we will be together always. But until we embrace again, let me also share this with you... so that you can better understand those things that may trouble you the most:

I now know that the love I feel here was at all times on earth too, and all one must do in order to feel it, is to KNOW it is there. This love that shines on you now is there to comfort and console, to heal and restore, and to bring laughter and joy. You have set lofty goals for yourself and the challenges you've chosen are admirable, but with this love and the faith that you can do all things, even these noble callings will one day soon be little more than baby steps in your march to gaining dominion over every time-space illusion. You will prevail. Your dreams, as well as the obstacles placed on your path, are gifts given you so that you might sooner see this Light that now surrounds you.

Of these gifts, my parting was one. You need not be sad, for even now I am with you - though you must close your eyes to see me. The illusion of death presses one on to greater understandings, for only when faced with darkness can you begin to properly seek the light. A light that will reveal that there can be no endings, goodbyes, or sadness, without beginnings, reunions, and happiness, and that you and I are unlimited Beings of Light adventuring throughout creation so that we may rediscover the magnificence of our own divinity. We are Gods rolling like thunder through the heavenly landscapes of eternity, where there are only miracles, there is only love, and Everything is holy.

Before you on earth there remain infinite possibilities for the most fulfilling time of your life, in a universe conspiring on your behalf. The world is indeed your oyster, though your "work" is not yet done, and you will be happiest if you cling not too tightly to the past. But if you must, take solace in your times of sorrow by knowing that I am always there, that I will be at your triumphant homecoming, and that I too have prepared a place for you in a blissful celebration that is only just beginning.

I love you so. I am happy."

I wish I could say that after 6 months of dealing with the grief of losing mark, and 1 month after losing T, J, D & M that I am able to make more sense of their passing, that I am able to remember memories with the soft tranquil light of fondness and love, rather than with rage and unspeakable loss. I wish I could say that I am not angry at them for not listening to me, for having to do the “manly” thing and go blow up another countries buildings because they blew up ours. I wish I could say I understand.

…but mostly, I just wish I was with them.