Back To Work

well, my first day back at work and I survived.

It really wasnt as bad as I thought it was going to be. I got there at 8:50 am, my shift started at 9 am.

I logged onto my computer and opened my email...there was my first mistake of the day...3,762 emails all pending my attention *ughhhhhhh* so after I mass deleted all of them I felt a little better *lol* I felt amazing after my old boss came over and said "Um...Christine, why did I just get about 600 'not read' email notifications from you??"...*howls with laughter*

I then tried to log onto my systems...my second mistake of the day...I cannot remember ANY of my passwords *lmao* I spent the next 4 hours on the phone with Internal Software Support trying to get all my access back...I still dont have access to half of my systems...but tommorrow is another day.

Then I decided it was time for coffee, so I logged on my Internal Corporate Messenger to see who I could message into goin for a break with me and my computer screen was COVERED in messages from every person on my list going "OMG! is it really you?!?!" *lol* My first coffee break of the day was spent with 75 friends from work...made me feel alot better and pretty cared about *smiles*

I came back to my desk and started going through my "mail" slot and holy crap I had alot of junk...after File 13'ing all of it I felt imensely better *lmao* I really hope there wasnt anything vital in there *lolol*

I finally met my new boss when she asked me if I had time for a meeting...Im thinkin..."well yea...I have no system access, Ive played solitare, talked to 120 people on messenger, and wandered the office floor gossiping with everyone....Im due for lunch soon, but I've got time..."*lol*

We go into a meeting room and she actually tries to strong arm me into signing an agreement that states I will NOT attend support group on friday's and that any and all medical appointments I have will be UNpaid...and this was my third mistake of the day...I looked at her, burst out laughing and said "Ok, I've got long term disability approval until 2010. Which means I will be paid 90% of my fulltime wage for the next 3 1/2 years. I'll see you 2011." and I got up and walked out of the room. *smirks*

She came barrelling out of the room behind me going "wait, wait...Christine, wait...I dont think I came across right" ~~noooooooooo shit!!~~ so we go back into the room and this time I grabbed a union rep to sit in on the meeting and that makes her go sheet white. Suddenly she's changed her entire tune, made a big production about ripping up the letter she had just tried to make me sign and said "we will do whatever we can as a corporation to support you and ensure you have the tools you need to do your job" *smiles sweetly*

So, all in all, it was a day. Day one of 364. ohhh happy thought...I've got 25 days of vacation this year and I've got 22 days still banked...which means I've only got 317 days left!!!! *snoooooooopy dance!!

To The Ones Who Led Me

There are no words to describe the loss I feel right now. Ok, that’s complete bullshit, there are words but I can’t find them. Friday I was up at 4 am sobbing, I sobbed on the way to my last group (imagine a woman hysterically crying on public transportation with everyone looking at her going WTF?!…and now quit laughing at me *lol*), I sobbed the entire time I was in my last large group, I sobbed all through my last Life Skills with Noel, I sobbed on the way home from group (same bus driver as the morning…I think he thinks I should be institutionalized) and now I am really relying on spell checker to catch my typo’s because I cant seem to stop crying.

Satna really didn’t know what to do with me on Friday. I’ve been building up to leaving for over a month now. I talked about it a lot in various different groups so I would be able to tolerate the pain of truly leaving but this feeling goes beyond pain. This is loss at its greatest magnitude.

I am trying to assimilate what I learned going through the program and all of the therapists are getting jumbled in my brain. I think I have to break it down by person to make it reachable. (I’ve included a little bio on each group mentioned so each of you will be able to understand what I am talking about.)

Anthony – Projectives (a group where we draw a picture on any given topic and then pass the picture around the room and everyone says what they see in the picture) was a true eye opener. The fact that I drew a picture of myself and my dad together but neither of us had hands, which I ran out of time to put on the people, and you picked up instantly on the distance I feel with my dad and that maybe I am the one keeping that relationship at a distance was truly insightful. You never failed to make me think about what I had drawn in a brand new way. You brought to the surface a lot of the things that I worked on throughout my therapy just from my drawings.

I loved playing games with you on Thursday’s because you have such a fun sense of humor. I distanced myself from working too hard with you because I had so much fun with you. Satna helped me realize that keeping you as a “fun” person in my life was OK because that made me feel safe with you and it helped me get over some of the losses I experienced throughout my childhood when my parents simply didn’t have time to play with me. Thank you.

Brandy – TV group (a group that is recorded for the first 30-40 minutes and then you watch the tape and talk about what you see in yourself and other people) was one of the best groups I went through. Your ability to see right through my defenses about my ball cap and why I wore it helped me recognize other defense mechanisms I was also doing to keep people at a distance from me. I learned so much about my body language and how when I was trying to convey a thought or feeling it got lost behind my defenses.

In Problem Solving (a group that is focused towards practical problems and helps you take steps to fixing them) you taught me to value practicality and how to decipher if things were reasonable and attainable to actually accomplish. I learned to value excitement and accomplishments – no matter how small. I learned how to approach issues in my life in an S.M.A.R.T (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Time Oriented) way and it has made a tremendous difference. I find myself with motivation to keep moving through other tasks once I have completed a task that I was struggling with doing.

In communications (a group that is designed to go through the steps of communicating) you helped me recognize some passive aggressive behaviors and worked with me on changing them and becoming more assertive without being aggressive. I admired you because you are roughly my age and seem so put together. Before I make any decision now I always wonder “what would Brandy do?” The gifts you gave me were priceless. Thank you.

Brennan – You were my assigned therapist and I fought a connection with you until the very end when I realized it while saying goodbye to you and broke down. The days that I had to do my history with you were some of the hardest times I had to go through in the program. I busted my ass with you in Stage 1 Action Group (a group that is you acting out a scene on any given topic either on your own or with other people in the group to help) and did a lot of work. The day I put my Boyz into the empty chairs and said goodbye to them. They day I re-lived my rape through other people’s actions while I directed. The day I had it out with my “dad.” I HATED action group, but I was determined to work with you to make you proud of the progress I was making ~ that alone screams of the connection I had with you but was denying.

In Vocational Group (a group designed to iron out any work related issues) I learned the most from you. I learned to recognize, utilize, and value my strengths. I realized how capable I am. I quit making excuses for myself and I quit giving myself easy outs. I raised the bar for myself.

I was so thankful that you were in my family interviews. (One with Lance, and one with my mom & dad) the knowledge and insight you had of me was very apparent in them. Lance & I learned how to openly communicate with each other during our interview. We learned how to HEAR what the other was truly saying. My parents & I learned how to move beyond the mistakes we all made and are now able to openly talk about the past, the present, and what we think the future may hold.

Exercise Group (a 1 hour group on Mondays where we play volleyball and a 1 hour group on Wednesdays where we do aerobics) were some of my favorite times. Playing volleyball with you was a total blast. I am still sorry that I spiked the ball off your head *sighs n laughs*. Aerobics was not really my favorite time. It’s hard to have fun when you are screaming in pain and praying for it to be over. Whenever I think of you I instantly picture the Energizer Bunny BUT despite the pain of Wednesday I still learned the value in exercise. I now walk my dog for an hour each day, swim 3 nights a week for an hour at a time, and I use my elliptical 4 days a week for 30+ minutes. When I finish exercising I feel so much better about EVERYTHING. I am full of energy and happiness. I am so grateful that I was able to push through my initial anger at being forced to do aerobics and my pain filled muscles to take the gift you offered me. Thank you for never giving up on me despite how hard I was on you, and, how much I struggled against you. I appreciate and admire you.

Cathy – You were the therapist I had the immediate connection with. You were the therapist in the support group before I was given my start day for the program, you were the therapist that did my intake, and you were the therapist that NEVER let me off the hook no matter how difficult I was. In Stage 2 & 3 Action Group (a group that is you acting out a scene on any given topic either on your own or with other people in the group to help) I did a lot of really hard work with you. I worked out my feelings and thoughts about terminating the pregnancy with the help of Grant and Mike (who played my brain doing “good idea, bad idea”…see previous post to learn about them both) and even when I hit the floor sobbing you didn’t let up on me.

In Problem Solving (a group that is focused towards practical problems and helps you take steps to fixing them) you taught me the meaning of the words PRACTICAL and REALISTIC. You challenged me to change my way of looking at things and to change the way I do things. You taught me how to make things measurable so I would feel a sense of accomplishment which would increase my feelings of self worth and self respect.

In Stage 1 Self Awareness (a group designed to give you self awareness) and in Stage 2 & 3 Personal Relations (a group designed to teach you how to interact with others in healthy productive ways) you showed me how strong I was and how determined I can be. You taught me the true meaning of tough love. You reinforced to me on a daily basis that strength does not have to be cruel. You taught me how to use my voice to make myself understood. You worked with me to help me remove the exaggerations and extremities that I was prone to expressing. You also helped me recognize my pattern I have of creating chaos when I am experiencing difficulties ~ I just keep adding more and more and more issues onto one difficulty until I am totally buried by them~ and you worked daily with me to eradicate that behavior.

When I was having the major problem with my neighbors 3 year old child (he was damaging the exterior of my home, he injured my dog by throwing Ringo action figures that got caught in his throat, I found him playing in the street on multiple occasions, I also caught him playing with a used syringe on my driveway, and every time I brought him back to his mother she would answer the door only after I pounded on it for a few minutes and always looked cranked up on something) and when I came into the group to express my anger at this child doing all of these things you asked me “why are you angry at the child who is doing what he’s allowed to do? Why are you not calling social services and having the appropriate authorities brought in to take care of this situation? What in you makes you so jealous of having to express care to another child?” I felt like a complete asshole, which meant I knew you were right. You took me into your office after that group and sat down with me to make the call to social services and then over the course of the next few days you worked with me about my guilt and why I felt I didn’t need to get involved to take care of an innocent child who couldn’t fight for himself.

I was very glad to have you as the second therapist in my family interview with Lance. You picked up things that I was doing and ways that I was behaving that were creating tension and unhappiness in both me and Lance. Lance and I were able to leave that interview and put into practice new ways of communicating and behaving with each other that have made things more open and sincere. Both of our needs are being met now and we are happily focusing on our brighter future together. I am grateful to you for your compassion, humor, and kindness. Thank you.

Noel – I don’t even know where to start. In small group during phase 2 & 3 (an unstructured group where we can talk about anything) I learned how to truly dig into a problem and work it loose. You taught me the difference between thinking with my head and thinking through an emotion to discover what its real meaning is. You taught me how to have an open and honest relationship that is based on mutual understanding and respect. You taught me how to cultivate those kinds of relationships outside of the program. You taught me how to work through my fear at confronting my parents and to work through my anger at my parents so I would be able to gain some new insight, understanding, and perspective from my interview with them. You explained the “Princess Theory” to me until it made sense and I could relate it to me and learn from it. (In a nut shell, the “Princess Theory” is where a person ~in this case a woman~ feels entitled to whatever she wants. The person’s ego, arrogance, and dishonesty will get in the way of establishing real connections with people) You showed me that it is OK to be emotional and that people will only connect to me if I am willing to be vulnerable. You taught me that I cannot feel anyone else’s emotions but my own and if I am feeling something it means I am reacting to something and I must take some time to think about what it is.

In Stage 1 Family Relations (a focused group where we talk about our families on a number of topics) you taught me the value of patience. After Anthony had brought up a whole bunch of things for me about my dad in Projectives I was able to come to this group and explain what I was thinking and feeling and you helped me work it through. You taught me to look at things entirely differently in this group. What I perceived was not always what actually was. I learned about my anger and miscommunication in this group and was able to take that information to all my other groups and work on them.

In Stage 2 & 3 Life Skills (a focused group where we are given a number of topics and talk about them) you taught me invaluable things. Life Skills was my favorite group of them all. It sucked that it was the last group of the week and I had to go home not quite finished with therapy every week and chew over what I learned on my own until I could come back to group and work through it some more. The only way I can process what I learned in Life Skills is to break it down topic by topic that I felt had an impact on me.

Topic: Success – Success is NOT defined by only my achievements. If I am constantly trying to prove something I will forget to take care of the parts of me that truly matter ~ my inner self. If I start to measure my success by how I am feeling about myself ~emotionally and physically~ and then I start to analyze the steps I went through to complete a task I will feel far more self worth and value than if I was to only wait for other people to acknowledge my achievements. I am pretty angry that this was my last group. I am still working on completely understanding it.

Topic: Gifts My Parents Gave Me – “You have let your resentment over shadow your gratitude.” When you said those words to me I felt the floor give out underneath me. I was so busy being angry at my parents that I intentionally threw out everything good they gave me. Recognizing that my parents DID give me some good, healthy, productive things was painful. I think I talked about this topic in every group I was in for about 5 days. This is where my break happened in therapy. I started to acknowledge that everything my parents gave me was a gift and I let my anger twist the good things into destructive pain filled things. I then took it a few steps farther and started to apply that to my friends in my life and to myself and my patterns of behavior. I was so surprised at how quickly the ‘black hole’ of anger disappeared in me. Thank you for teaching me how to fill that emptiness with worthwhile things. Thank you for teaching me a new way to think about things.

Topic: Potential - You taught me that everyone has potential. It is not “amazing” or “so much” it is simply that everyone has SOME. Exaggerating my potential only leads to pitfalls which can trap me and get me stuck in the same pattern which leads to a lack of self esteem. Potential can be a very strong motivator for people who are ready to harness theirs as long as they are not wrapping their feelings of self worth around achieving success.

Topic: Pessimism versus Optimism – This was the topic that I learned about realistic risks. You taught me that Pessimism is the tendency to see, anticipate, or emphasize only bad or undesirable outcomes while Optimism is a disposition or tendency to look on the more favorable side of events or conditions and to expect the most favorable outcomes. You told me that I was a “dreaming optimist” ~ despite all odds, history, and information I would expect things to always turn up rosy. When things never turned out rosy, or turned out how I imagined, my self esteem would take a big shot and I would get sunk into patterns of destructive behavior. You taught me to recognize achievable and attainable things and to not be afraid to be pessimistic about non-realistic things. You taught me how I use pessimism as a weapon on myself when things didn’t work out to my imaginings.

Topic: Humor – I learned the difference between truly funny and viciously cutting remarks. Using the example of Brennan and that I thought of him as the Energizer Bunny was funny for the patients and really not at all amusing for you. I learned that things are only truly amusing when they are not self depreciating or cutting towards someone else. I am still struggling with this because my enjoyment of witty sarcasm sometimes overweighs my self control and I slip into cutting someone down to make myself feel better. You taught me that trying to ‘break’ someone else to build myself up will not work regardless of the ways I try to do it. Even though I am still struggling with this, at least I am conscious of my actions now and am making steps to fix them.

Topic: Maturity – I really struggled with this one. I thought that maturity meant having ‘things’ and taking care of myself ~like paying my bills on time, keeping my house clean, etc. I thought that if I acted like an adult I was an adult. “Maturity is only measured by your emotional relativity.” You taught me that no matter how mature I may feel unless I was able to relate to adults on adult emotional levels I wasn’t mature. You taught me how to relate to adults emotionally and not like a child ~like looking for a father figure ~ and you taught me the value of those connections. You taught me about real internal power in this topic. You showed me the power of being vulnerable.

There were so many more topics that made an impact on me, but these are the ones that come to mind first.

I am so thankful that you were the second therapist in my family interview with my parents. I was so ready to go into that interview like a soldier. I wanted a war. Instead you lobbed the first grenade within the first 5 minutes of the interview and blew up my anger by telling my parents flat out that I was looking for a fight and left me defenseless so I could really hear what my parents were telling me. I was able to work out a lot of misunderstandings with my dad and heal a lot of past hurts with my mom. For that I am eternally grateful. I was finally able to acknowledge that I am jealous of my 2 year old sister Skye that my dad had with his soon to be ex-wife. My dad gives that child everything he never gave me. I want to believe he has changed, but I am still unsure. I am unsure because I am still angry at how neglected I was when I was a kid. You helped me work through that with my dad and in groups after the interview. Thank you for taking a front and center role in that interview so I could learn some hard truths about myself and some forgiveness towards my parents.

You were the therapist I felt closest to and safest with. I could tell you anything and you would gently lead me to where I could learn from it. Your calmness, gentleness, perception, and intuition were all traits that shined through when you dealt with me. Your sense of humor was so appreciated because sometimes I just simply needed to laugh and you recognized that as well. I admire you and I will miss you. Thank you.

Satna – The woman, who terrified me, made me think, taught me invaluable lessons, and made me laugh. You have achieved almost a mythical status for me. I wanted all of your attention and was petrified to receive all of your attention. You have a mind that I envy, a soul that I admire and a sense of humor that is quick and lively.

Every day in Large Group I never failed to learn things. My first day in the program you told me “I know how competitive you are, and because you are so competitive you didn’t want to get left behind while you were hanging around a much older crowd of people so you faked it. Unfortunately, you’ve never quit faking it” and from that day on you called me out every single time I was only half-assing it, faking it, or not getting involved at all. You were the only therapist I couldn’t pin down and out think.

I remember coming home on April 25th after my first day of group and talking to a friend and this was my first comment to her…”Kris: so my oh so brilliant plan of "quietly observe" lasted 18 minutes before this psychologist she-woman bitch from hell ripped me open like a biology frog”… you terrified me Satna *lol*

Ultimately, I got over my fear and grew to love you dearly. You taught me the true meaning of internal power by never letting me off the hook. I don’t know how many times I heard “what do you mean you don’t know?! Of course you know! Think!” from you *lol* but I always ultimately got to where you wanted to lead me and I always learned something brilliant. You made me cultivate boundaries and limits within my relationships by providing me an example to follow with your actions.

You never failed to help me recognize a reaction for what it truly was. Whenever I was unreasonable, difficult, stubborn, and just plain rude you always pushed me through my anger to help me figure out what emotion was lying behind it.

When I started talking about my Boyz you taught me how to tolerate loss. You worked with me through my anger, and grief about losing them until I understood that I didn’t actually lose the parts of them that matter the most to me. You taught me to treasure my memories but to remember them as they truly were. Not as I was enshrining them to be.

You taught me how to DEAL with my rape and the fact that all the men responsible are out on the street and I could potentially bump into them at any time. You worked with me through my fear and reinforced that I knew the ways to protect myself. you got through to me that the rape was not my fault and that nothing I could’ve done would’ve changed the outcome. I felt such calmness after I had worked it through.

You taught me how to recognize my emotions for what they truly were. In the beginning I had such a problem identifying emotion that you actually gave me a sheet of paper with emotions written on it and said “here, these are things you can actually feel, when you say ‘I feel like’ you are instantly dismissing yourself and destroying any learning you could do. Like is not a feeling.” You never let me bluster and get destructive. You always pinned me down and forced me to realize what I was reacting to.

You taught me tolerance and patience ~for myself and for other people. You also taught me that it was OK if I didn’t believe what the majority believes and that it was OK if I felt differently or had a different view point. You taught me that I didn’t have to argue my case to get people on “my side” I simply just had to tolerate “opposition” and that I didn’t always have to be right.

When I started talking about my fears and concerns over leaving the program you told me that I wouldn’t just be discharged and left to my own devices. You made it clear to me that support would still be offered and if I felt I wasn’t receiving all that I needed to come to you. We started talking a little more and what came out was my fear of my inability to be able to set my own limits and act within my own boundaries. I was scared what other people would do or say when they realized that behavior patterns from months ago were no longer applicable with me. I didn’t know how people would tolerate my changes. After that group on Thursday ~my second to last day~ you called me into your office and gave me this piece of writing and told me that if I ever felt I was faltering then I wasn’t being vulnerable and that I wasn’t being true to myself. If I ever felt backed into a corner by another person trying to push my limits I should not get defensive, but rather I should tell the person that I am uncomfortable with their behavior and would appreciate them more if they respected me. You then smiled at me and said “You have done so well here Christine, even though you learned some things the hard way, the important thing to remember here is that you learned them and you have been able to embrace what you have found true within yourself. You are going to be just fine.” You then handed me a piece of paper with the following writing on it and closed your office door.

Thank you Satna for all that you do each and every day for every single person in your care. I admire you, respect you, treasure you, and I will miss you dearly.

Listen.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving advice
you have not done
what I have asked.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why
I shouldn't feel that way
you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do
something to solve my problem
you have failed me.
Strange as that may seem.

Listen!
All I asked was that you listen,
not talk or do, but hear me.
I can do for myself,
I am not helpless:
maybe discouraged and faltering,
maybe lonely and isolated
and grieving and searching,
but not helpless.

When you do something for me
that I can and need to do myself
you contribute to my fear and my weakness.

But when you accept as a simple fact
that I do feel what I feel,
no matter how irrational
then I can quit trying to convince you
and get about the business of understanding
what's behind this irrational feeling,
and when that is clear the answers
are obvious and I don't need advice.

Perhaps that is why prayer works for many people
because God is sometimes mute
and doesn't try to give advice or fix things
he just listens and just lets you work it out.

So please listen and just hear me
and if you want to talk
wait a minute for you turn
and I will listen to you.
By Anonymous

It has been a long road, a painful road, and ultimately a road I am glad I chose to walk. I am proud of myself for confronting my demons and healing myself. I am excited to take my new found perspectives and utilize them in the “real” world. I am thankful that I had the support system in place to achieve “graduating” from therapy.

To The Ones Who Walked With Me

As-sim-i-late [v. uh-sim-uh-leyt; n. uh-sim-uh-lit, -leyt] Meaning to take in and incorporate as one’s own; absorb.

Satna and I had a long talk today in large group. I told her all about my fears, worries, and other thoughts that I’ve been expressing here for a little while about having to leave the program. She made me realize that I HAVE the tools I now need to be able to go out into the “real” world and make the decisions about my life in healthy and productive ways. She asked me to assimilate all the knowledge that I have gained from my past 18 weeks and she asked me to remember all the different people that I learned from and experienced group therapy with.

The conversation with Satna this morning got me thinking about all the people that have touched my life within the program that I miss so much. I need to remember them and I need to remember the little things they taught me…so here’s to the special one’s that walked this road with me.

Liz – You taught me to always remember that things will look a whole lot better as long as you have a cute pair of shoes on. *lol* You also taught me to step out of my comfort zone and get involved in things I am weary of. Thank you for playing charades and pictionary with me.

Anthony – Volleyball wasn’t the same without you. You taught me the value of simply playing. You taught me the value in sharing some down time with people I enjoy and you gave me the gift of laughter. Thank you.

Rena – You taught me that strength does not have to be harsh or cruel. You taught me that you can climb back from sexual abuse and become a stronger person. You gave me the gift of being allowed to just BE around you. You never expected anything from me. I admire you and respect you and wish that you were still in my life. Thank you.

Paul – I don’t even know where to start. You & I connected early on and our attachment just grew and grew. When I came back into group on the Monday after you had finished I kept scanning the room wondering where you were and then all of a sudden it hit me again that you were gone. You taught me the value of memories when you worked with me about my Boyz and loss in general. You worked so hard with me with my parents because we had such similar backgrounds. You taught me that my parents faults are NOT my own. You taught me HOW to laugh. I will forever remember you and sing “thank god I’m a country boy” and maybe one day I will actually learn the lyrics. *lol* I miss you my friend. Thank you.

Christie – From day one in support group and all through the program we were as close as sisters. I am so thankful for your insight and caring. You taught me forgiveness and self respect. You taught me the value of the little things, like telling people how much you value, admire, respect, and treasure them. You taught me to embrace loss and learn from it. My last week without you has been really hard. I love you girlie girl. Thank you.

David – At first I was scared of you because you were so emotional. Then I envied you because you were so emotional. You never failed in every single group every single day at working your butt off to get as much as you could from every single person in the room. You taught me courage and perseverance. You also taught me that the only way to get over hard things is to jump in and just DO IT. You never made excuses, complained, or moaned at your situations. You always learned from them. I admire you and I will forever remember that hairless rats feel like penises. *lmao* Thank you.

Gail – When I first came into the group you were 1 week ahead of me. We clashed like titans. I called you Ms. Toxic. I am not sure exactly how we started shifting the balance from a power struggle to an understanding and respect of each other, but I am so thankful that we did. You taught me that first assumptions can often be wrong. You taught me the value of patience. I love you, even though you do creepy voices *lol* Thank you.

Grant – When I look at you I see myself mirrored back at me. You feel like a brother. You taught me about rage. You taught me how to harness it and learn from it. You taught me to work through my un-comfortableness with it because that is where the work is. You taught me the value of reflection and thinking before I speak. I am so grateful to you. I feel like I did some of my most important work with you. Thank you for laughing with me during breaks and lunches. Every time I hear “I’m just a gigolo” on the radio I will remember you doing mock-karaoke at lunch one day and I make a solemn promise to be kinder to strangers that need directions…”Hey Lady…” *rotfl* Thank you.

Carol – You were the lesson I had to learn the hard way. I disliked you right from your first day and my opinion never changed. In the beginning I fought openly with you and decided that I was going to learn nothing from you but as I slowly started to learn things and tolerate other things I found myself working with you in a more constructive way. You taught me how to co-operate and work with people that I dislike. You taught me the value in picking my battles. Of all the people who have touched me you are someone I am never going to forget. Thank you.

Diane – You taught me how to be gentle and compassionate. You taught me how to see the true worth in people. You taught me to value my creativity. I worked so well with you. You’ve been gone for 3 weeks now and every day I still look to see where you are sitting in large group. The groups don’t feel the same without you. The baby blue jays learned to fly and the nest is empty now, I know you would want to know that. Thank you.

Carla – We could easily be best friends in the “real” world. You taught me to value boundaries and limits. You showed me the true strength of possessing them. You were always there with a kind smile, a compassionate look, or a simple “you ok?” whenever I felt my world tilt on its axis but you always stayed in the boundaries of the program. You taught me how to be a true friend to someone while respecting my own limitations. I will forever be grateful that you were there with me. I am going to miss you so badly. I love you chikita-banana. Thank you.

Mike – Well Shorty, (he’s 6’6” *lol*) I think you have made the most impact on me while we were working together on destructive behaviors. You were so open and forthcoming and willing to help me recognize my own patterns while bringing it back to yourself so I never felt like I didn’t belong. You taught me that anger is the cover up for everything and that to accomplish anything real and memorable I have to work past that into the true emotion behind my reaction. You taught me how to recognize my feelings for what they truly are not what I am trying to cover them up to look like. Your gift to me was priceless. Thank you.

Norma-Anne – We only had a short time to work together but in that short time you taught me to value my spirituality and my passions. You taught me the value in believing in something that feels very real to me. You taught me to question things. You taught me to stand firm in my beliefs but still allow them to be questioned. You taught me to listen and truly hear. I admire you and the work you did. Thank you.

Lorraine – We started together and we’ll finish together. From day 1 we have been as close as sisters, and at times we fought like siblings. We always worked well together. Working with you about my sexual abuse was enlightening. I was so grateful that you were willing to help me recognize that it really wasn’t my fault. Every Thursday playing games with you was so much fun, even if ya do count the cards in hearts. *lol* Thank you for your gift of friendship, understanding, and time. I will never forget you. I love you sister I choose. Thank you.

So, my friends. I wish you all the happiness your hearts can hold and all the success in the world in whatever you chose to accomplish. I wish with all my heart that I helped you in the ways you have all helped me. Because I have said my goodbyes to each of you individually I feel comfortable in ending this with something from classic Paul…Niters ‘cuz I don’t wanna say goodbye!!! *lol*

Now all of you, my cyber-land turned real friends, know a little bit about the people I have spent 18 weeks with and the impact they have had on me. The connections I made with these people, and others that I didn’t mention, has been starkly real. While painful at times, frustrating at others, and heartbreakingly painfully, bittersweet in the end, I wouldn’t change a single second.

This has been the hardest experience of my life. As Satna says “Psychotherapy isn’t supposed to be easy. You are supposed to put your entire self on display, rip yourself apart, and decide when it’s all over what you will keep and value.” I still have to assimilate what I learned from the therapist team but as I still have 1 day left I am not done learning yet.

Surrogate Father?

Today I needed a filter for my “inside” voice…ya’ll know it. It’s the one that THINKS all the things before you actually speak them? The one that runs rampant with sarcasm, wit, viciousness, and brutal honesty before it actually passes through your mouth and causes harm? Yea…that one.

I know I am anxious because I am done with group on Friday. I KNOW why I am displaying my *ahems* charming attitude in frequent displays. I am TRYING to tolerate being completely terrified of all of the changes that are going to be taking place in my life in the next 3 days. I am really just emotionally beat. I haven’t cried this much in my entire life.

Today in large group, Lorraine started saying goodbyes to people ~ her & I started together, and we will be leaving together. She started saying goodbyes to people, when she was done I decided that it was time for me to bite the bullet and start as well. I figured I’d start with the therapist team ~I mean really, I don’t have any DEEP attachments to them right?! *please note the sarcasm*

I get through saying goodbye to Anthony, Brandy, Cathy, and Brennan with relative ease ~ relative is the easy way of saying “very little tears” ~ I told them all individually what I learned from each of them and how grateful I am for their help…then I looked at my Buddha ~Noel~ sitting beside me and I LOST MY FREEKIN MIND. I started saying goodbye to him 5 times before I was actually able to form a complete sentence. I was sobbing my eyes out ~ it was the ugly cry, the gasping for breathe, nose running everywhere, tears streaming so fast that you just simply cant see...the rest of the large group was waiting patiently and smiling at me for encouragement while Noel was just sitting beside me smiling in his soft gentle way patiently waiting for me to tell him what he already knows.

Noel is THE reason I was able to complete this program. Whenever I was totally confused, defensive, brutally rude, wanted to give up, storm out of the group room, or have a complete vicious breakdown all I had to do was look at him and he would help me. I sit beside him in every group he participates in with me. I took in everything he showed me, taught me, and help me realize. My attachment to Noel seriously surprised me. I knew that I appreciated him and admired him, but I didn’t think that I would want to come home and just drink myself into oblivion at the idea of having to leave him behind. I had to say goodbye to my Buddha today and it broke my heart.

So while I was trying to find the words to tell Noel how important he has been to me this stupid bitch who started 7 days ago looks at me and says “get to the fucking point already. I don’t understand why you are wasting everyone’s time with this bullshit.”

Now rationally, I understand why the new people to the group are uncomfortable with the goodbyes. They haven’t had time yet to form the attachments and they are still so new that they aren’t even contemplating leaving the program yet. I GET ALL THAT and so trying to be kind, I said back to her that I understood why she was feeling the need to lash out at me because her own emotions and envy were making her uncomfortable. I went on to tell her that maybe she feels the need to destroy anything good around her is because she simply cannot deal with anyone feeling anything that has nothing to do with her. Every single day in large group she comes into a discussion and rants about how much she hates her assigned therapist ~which happens to be Noel~ and by entering into an ongoing conversation that has nothing to do with hatred she kills the entire flow of the room…and this is where I needed my filter…I then called her a selfish assuming jealous petty bitch *ughs*

Noel decided that I wasn’t finished working, even though I shut the stupid moron up with my statement and I was able to complete my goodbye to him. He asked me why I reacted so viciously to her. I said “I dunno, (my first mistake cuz that’s when Satna entered the conversation with a sharp “bullshit Christine, you do know” comment) she just really pisses me off with her need to constantly complain.” Noel then asked me “who is she complaining about?” and suddenly it all kind of made a little more sense. This woman is bitching about how much she hates MY Buddha. She is constantly whining about how much he judges her, and how badly she wants a new therapist, and all this other crap. I worked through it and figured that I was reacting because I felt she was hurting MY Noel. Noel then asked me “and what if I was hurt by her?” and I lost my eye sight again. I was crying so hard. I finally got out “well, if she hurts you, you’ll get discouraged and then you’ll disappear.” Noel pushed me a little more and said “why would I disappear?” and I spit out the first thing that came to my mind which, much to my complete horror, was “because that’s what my dad does.”

Jesus. I’ve made Noel my dad. Realizing that today was doubly painful. I finally had to tolerate the knowledge of all the things I wanted from my real dad and never got. I finally had to accept my dad’s limitations and acknowledge what I really need from him is never going to be available.

The only differences in my chosen parent and my actual parent are that Noel offered me healthy helpful strategies for life, I was able to take in what Noel was offering me, and that he made it evident in a tough love kind of way that he truly does care about ME and who I am trying to become. Noel shows me respect and kindness.

My real dad shows me mental abuse and ugliness. My real dad shows me how to manipulate and use people. My real dad shows me that the world is ugly and I’ve got to be uglier to survive it. My real dad is a reflection of everything I don’t want to be and am terrified that I am becoming.

I am so not ready to “graduate” from the program. I am nowhere near done with everything I need to learn. I could make going to therapy a fulltime occupation…I wonder if Satna will go for that.

I have to tackle saying goodbye to Satna tomorrow. I also have to start saying goodbye to the people I have become friends with tomorrow. The majority of the people I was closest to have already left the program but there are still about 10-15 remaining that I need to acknowledge and that’s gonna suck. We aren’t allowed to keep in contact with people we've made connections with outside of the program so those goodbyes I have to say tommorrow are as final as the ones I had to say to the therapist team today. *sighs*

Can someone quickly invent a time STOP machine so I can stay in my 18th week for another 18 weeks?

Learning Through Chakra's

For the first time in over 8 months I phoned one of my Spiritual Guides, Ananda, who is one of the gentlest, kindest, intuitive, wisest people I know. We spent the afternoon at her house drinking tea and talking. She is my mentor as I walk down the path of enlightenment and I have sorely neglected her, and myself, over the past few months. I didn’t realize how badly I truly missed just BEING in her presence. She has a light that emanates from her that makes all beings in her presence just bend themselves around her to please her.

Ananda is a woman in her late 40’s with pepper colored waist length hair, brilliant blue eyes and a smile that transforms her from a pretty woman to someone who is radiantly beautiful. Mark introduced me to her when I was about 7 years old. Ananda was his mom’s best friend and she bonded with me over cannoli’s in Mark’s kitchen. She has been a part of my life for a long time and I am still as awed and amazed by her today as I was 22 years ago.

I watched a wasp dance on her hand today. Most people would shy away (or run away screaming with their arms flailing) from any interaction with such a truly annoying painful creature but Ananda simply smiled at the wasp and held out her hand and much to my bewilderment it chose to land there and simply just rest. It was a mythical and magical moment. She expressed great sorrow for me over my recent losses, and encouragement for the paths I have taken to learn from them and move past them as I struggle to walk towards MY truths and MY light.

We entered into some quiet time where both of us just simply sat knee to knee on the floor cross legged and slowly started to breathe deeply into a state of meditation. As she talked me through a brilliant and beautiful scene that walked me deeper into my subconscious she handed me a pack of Chakra Cleansing/Balancing Cards and told me to select 21 cards in sets of 3 and lay them down while keeping my eyes closed. I have never had a reading done by her or anyone else. I have played around with street vendors who I never took very seriously, I have had my tea leaves read and my palm read, but I have never laid out cards to someone who knows my heart.

Chakra Healing is not a talk therapy
Chakra Healing is the science of silence.
Silence does not mean absence of speech, it means absence of thoughts.
Nothing is left unsaid by silence.
Where words fail, silence is full of meaning.
Your mind is the only barrier
When the mind becomes silent, it becomes linked to the infinite and you awaken the deepest levels of your consciousness.
Each mind creates a world of its own which exists nowhere.
During the day as well as the night the mind is swamped in dreams.
When the dreams become too much, too intense, insanity comes.
Chakra cleansing is a process to cleanse this inner insanity of thoughts.
The power to transform your life is in your chakras

As you understand how your chakra system really works, and we balance, energize and heal each of your seven chakras, your mind and body unwinds, welcoming your spirit back to your body. And you'll give back your gifts to the planet when you are healthy and blissful. At this time, being here on our beautiful planet,

You are at the threshold of a great inner revolution.
Don't waste time in conflict. Lose no time in doubt.
Time can never be recovered.
And if you miss an opportunity,
It may take many lives before another comes your way again.

She took me deeper into my subconscious and then started the reading with this simple yet eloquent statement (which I begged for a copy of so I could type it out here)

Flow the pure white light and love energy into my crown chakra, cleansing and purifying. Dissolve any blockages, impurities or toxins. Restore balance, improve energy flow and circulation. Open my crown chakra to allow me to be more compassionate of myself and others.

Flow the pure white light and love into my third eye chakra, cleansing and purifying. Dissolve any blockages, impurities or toxins. Restore balance, improve energy flow and circulation. Open my third eye so that I may receive, process, and understand information. Increase my intuitive abilities and open me up to telepathic communication.

Flow the pure white light and love into my throat chakra, cleansing and purifying. Dissolve any blockages, impurities or toxins. Restore balance, improve energy flow and circulation. Open my throat chakra so that I may speak my truth with love and communicate easily with others.

Flow the pure white light and love into my higher heart chakra, cleansing and purifying. Dissolve any blockages, impurities or toxins. Restore balance, improve energy flow and circulation.

Flow the pure white light and love into my heart chakra, cleansing and purifying. Dissolve any blockages, impurities or toxins. Restore balance, improve energy flow and circulation. Open my heart to receive and give love, to improve my relationships with others.

Flow the pure white light and love into my solar plexus chakra, cleansing and purifying. Dissolve any blockages, impurities or toxins. Restore balance, improve energy flow and circulation. Open my solar plexus to receive and flow increasing amounts of energy.

Flow the pure white light and love into my sacral chakra, cleansing and purifying. Dissolve any blockages, impurities or toxins. Restore balance, improve energy flow and circulation. Open my sacral chakra so I may increase my ability to create and manifest my dreams for the future. Open me up to physical intimacy with others.

Flow the pure white light and love into my root chakra, cleansing and purifying. Dissolve any blockages, impurities or toxins. Restore balance, improve energy flow and circulation. Open my root chakra up so that I may receive abundance, security and empowerment.

Flow the pure white light and love into my legs, cleansing and purifying. Dissolve any blockages, impurities or toxins. Restore balance, improve energy flow and circulation.

Flow the pure white light and love down into the earth, saturating down to the core and out through the land and waterways, cleansing and purifying. Dissolve any blockages, impurities or toxins. Restore balance, improve energy flow and circulation.

Flow the pure white light and love up from the earth into all living creatures on the earth, cleansing and purifying. Dissolve any blockages, impurities or toxins. Restore balance, improve energy flow and circulation.

Flow the pure white light and love up into the air and on into the atmosphere, cleansing and purifying. Dissolve any blockages, impurities or toxins. Restore balance, improve energy flow and circulation.

Flow the pure white light and love up through the atmosphere and out into space, cleansing and purifying. Dissolve any blockages, impurities or toxins. Restore balance, improve energy flow and circulation. Now I look back down on the earth and see it glowing in a wondrous pale pink and white light, cleansed and purified.

Ananda then started telling me what the cards I had laid out told her. I wish I could remember exactly what cards I drew for each Chakra, but I didn’t open my eyes to look at them and the names of the cards got lost within the messages she was giving me.

I am going to focus on my blockages so I am able to start learning from them. *makes a note to ask to record the next reading so I don’t have to pull information from my subconscious*

Ananda told me something so powerful today that I have to include it first. Every single soul has one purpose and that is to achieve balance within themselves and reach the true status of their Divine Self. When a person dies young, or before what we consider to be “their time” ~whether it is a baby still in the womb, or an 18 year old child, or a 30 year old man on a battlefield in times of war~ it is simply because their soul has done the work that it needed to do to repent and heal wrongs from past lives and has reached their true state of Divine Self. The souls work is done. The body is merely the shell which encloses the true light of your soul. We shouldn’t mourn the loss of the shell, but rather, we should rejoice the soul that has achieved its true state.

Within my Root Chakra (sex, money, power) I had one blockage. The blockage I had at this level was with power and being attracted to people who I believe have it. In this life, or past lives, my soul has given up MY power to those who were unworthy of it and it has therefore scarred me and set my life upon paths that caused my soul more harm than good. To correct this I must remember that within the Root Chakra there is grounding, individuality, stability, security, stillness, health, courage, and patience and I possess all of those things to make decisions as to who and what I want to be within my life. I must utilize and harness MY power and use it to provide an example of how to live a life within the light.

My thoughts: I was not surprised to see this blockage. I have become enamored by people that my soul knew were wrong for me and I have followed them faithfully and loyally to my own harm, detriment, and destruction. I have lost valuable people and things in my life because of this. At least I am now conscious of it and am able to make steps towards stopping it

Within my Sexual Chakra (inner child issues) I had one blockage. The blockage again was with power and having allowed my soul to be abused by misplacing my trust in people and things. To correct this I must remember that within the Sexual Chakra there is Giving and receiving, emotions, desire, pleasure, sexual/passionate love, change, movement, assimilation of new ideas, health, family tolerance, surrender, and, Working harmoniously and creatively with others. I must connect with people on spiritual, mental, and heart levels first before any form of sexual intimacy can occur. In doing this, I will ensure that I am utilizing MY power by surrounding myself with people and things who will further me on my path towards light.

My thoughts: I was actually quite surprised at this. I figured this would be the area that had the most blockages. I have been physically, mentally, and sexually by men (and yes, that’s plural) but in some twisted way I can see how this relates to the first blockage and to power in general.

Within my Power Chakra (survival issues) I had two blockages. One blockage was power and the other as fear. The blockage with power has been explained at this point, but a new twist was added to it, at some point in my life my soul has given up its power of LIFE itself at the hands of someone who instilled and incurred great fear within me. I must remember that within the Power Chakra there is transforming, shaping, purifying, shaping of being, and, mental energy. I must rely on my sense of fear as a tool to use when my power is being tested. If I am able to rely on my sense of fear as an ally I will be able to make decisions that will enable me to continue walking within light.

My thoughts: At this point, I just wanted this reading over. Ananda saw my fear and humiliation and instantly related it to my rape. She reminded me that the rape happened to my shell, not my soul and that if I was able to look at it from that viewpoint I will be able to heal from it so I am not making the same decisions in my life that brought me to that path. I will be able to harness my power and use it to help me instead of harm me.

Within my Heart Chakra (emotional heart) I actually had complete blockages. They were power, fear, and ally. I am using my fear to align myself with people who are equally destructive to me and MY power. I am choosing people and things within my life that take away just as much as people and things that are outwardly destructive. They are just doing it in more subtle alluring ways. I must remember that within the Heart Chakra there is the center of compassion, love, group consciousness, and spirituality associated with a "oneness" with "all that is." It provides for a de-segregation between the loving energy of the heart and the analytical energy of the intellect. If I am connecting with people on a spiritual, emotional, and heart levels first I will sway people and things from aligning with me and using my fear to gain power over me. I will also not have destructive people to align with which will make my decision making process that much easier.

My thoughts: None of this enhanced information deeply surprised me. I know I have chosen people to be in my life as allies to me in times of stress, difficulty, or loneliness. I didn’t seek to establish any real connection with those people and in turn, they had no connection to me and were able to use what information I did release to them against me.

Within my Throat Chakra (truth and creativity) I actually had NO blockages. (surprise, surprise *lol*) and while I know I said I was only going to be focusing on my blockages, Ananda told me something that I need to remember here. She told me that I have the strengths of communication and all that communication encompasses. I have the power within me to establish healthy and healing connections with people that enhance my power and will dissuade my fear. I must remember that within the Throat Chakra there is Open, clear communication of feelings and thoughts, creativity, speaking up, releasing, and, healing. She once again praised my choice of therapy to heal myself and give light back to my soul.

My thoughts: I was pleasantly surprised by this. I know I am good with words, and I know that when I chose to speak my truths with honesty and compassion that I am heard and understood. I never thought that this strength would be able to help heal the destructiveness of my weaker traits.

Within my Third Eye Chakra (psychic abilities) I had one blockage. It was my inability to make decisions with my heart. I rely too much on analytical things to make decisions for me. I believe that what people tell me is their truth and I trust that. In trusting that I end up in fear and aligning myself with people who attempt to use my power against me. I must remember that within the Third Eye Chakra there is higher consciousness, emotional and spiritual love center, spiritual inner sight, clairvoyance. When balanced, the thoughts and brain function in a unified field. Insight ensues and its practical application becomes a daily occurrence. It also assists in the purification of attitudes. She stressed to me that in using my strength of communication I would be able to connect with people on emotional, spiritual, and heart levels and I would be able to allow my soul to reach its Divine Self in a higher state of conscious.

My thoughts: I knew that I was analytical. I knew that I viewed things as black or white and there was very little room for grey in my life. I never thought that the light would be in the grey.

Within my Crown Chakra (spiritual enlightenment) I had one blockage. It was again power. It was slightly different though, it had to do with how little power I give to myself and how little power I invest in allowing my soul to connect with my Divine Self. I must remember that within the Crown Chakra there is the flow of wisdom and brings the gift of cosmic consciousness. When clear, it enables one to see the truth concerning ideals, materialistic pursuits, self-limiting concepts, pride, and vanity; it further allows one to experience continuous self-awareness and conscious detachment from personal emotions. Compassion, seeing self in others. If I am able to simply just BE with my heart and mind I will be able to fully listen to BOTH of them together. In listening to them together I will be able to watch my soul as it rejoices in finding its Divine Self.

My thoughts: This is when Ananda told me about the goal and purpose of every soul that I included before I broke down my blockages. It all became clear and I relished in the moment. I understand how my misuse of power and fear has brought me to where I am. I also understand how to use my strengths to ensure that my path changes. I am still on my journey towards the light within me and this information has just further cemented the healthy choices I have already started to make.

Today was a wonderful day for me. I was able to spend time with a beautiful woman who I admire and wish to emulate. I was able to learn about my soul and what it needs from me to complete its purpose. I was able to simply breathe in, exhale, and just be. I learned to never under estimate the power of just BEING. To any that are on their own paths of spiritual enlightenment, I can say with certainty that a Chakra Cleansing is worth every second. It will reaffirm things you already know, and highlight things you didn’t. I am so thankful that Ananda is in my world and that I am able to take in what she is teaching me.

Ananda sent me home with a book, it is called Hands of Light: The Guide To Healing Through The Human Energy Field (written by Barbara Brennan). I did a quick browse through it to offer you some information on what it is about.

Hands of Light: A Guide to Healing Through the Human Energy Field, by Barbara Ann Brennan, is a scientist's look at the field of bioenergetic healing, offering specific techniques towards expanding perceptual tools of healing, seeing auras, understanding psychodynamics and the human energy field, and spiritual healing. Trained as a physicist and psychotherapist, Brennan has spent the last 15 years studying the human energy field and working as a healer. Hands of Light goes beyond conventional, objective knowledge while retaining scientific clarity. It details a study of the human energy field and how it is intimately connected to a person's health and well being and contains essential information for anyone involved in healing and conscious health care, including people seeking to heal themselves. Science and spirituality may currently be at odds, but fortunately there will always be scientists who are spiritual seekers, and it is in the mingling of the two worlds where wisdom is born.

I am now off to start reading it. May you all walk within your light armed with your truths and calmness in your hearts.

Why Cant We Own Canadians?

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.



The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by an east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative.



Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

(1) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

(2) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

(3) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

(4) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

(5) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

(6) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination -Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

(7) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

(8) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

(9) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

(10) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? -Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,

Jim.

I read stuff like that, whether it is a joke or not, and I wonder what kind of world we are all living in where various oranizations can preach seriously outdated and unmodified information as some sort of "gospel" we should all be living by, which of course got me thinking.

The most important thing to remember, as you read the text contained herein is that I feel I truly know nothing of the world around me, and what you read here, could all be false. The truth is, we know nothing, but this is what I see before my eyes.



Life

I was up last night, trying to think of what makes life what it is, and what are the greatest, ever-present aspects of life. This was not the first time I've thought like this. Instead, this was merely a summarization of all that I have learned on my own, and through my solitary existence.



I'm tired of leaving all of these thoughts to myself, and not sharing them with anyone at all. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only person who see's this level of truth in our existence. Despite the possibility that I am the only person who truly see's this, I intend to share it with whomever I can, because there is no single person in life, who deserves to possess these feelings, by themselves.



We'll start with a bit of common misunderstanding. The phrase, "Money makes the world go 'round". While, being true in one sense of logic, it does not fully grasp the overall truth of our situation. In order to understand what drives humankind straight into the ground, we must understand the deepest root of reasoning and motive. Every want in this world, is driven by selfishness. Selfishness, is what truly "makes the world go 'round".



"self·ish adj. Concerned chiefly or only with oneself: “Selfish men were... trying to make capital for themselves out of the sacred cause of human rights” (Maria Weston Chapman)."



One thing I have learned in my life, is that there is a reason, and motive behind everything a person does. Nothing is ever done without reason. If I turned my head right now, and spit on the wall of my room, it may appear to some that this was something done without reason, but in truth, it was done by me to prove a point, and thus had motive and reason behind it. No matter the action, less or great, there is ALWAYS a reason. The key to all of this is the source of this reason. Was the reason created through selfishness? "I need money to buy a new pair of shoes." or, was it created through selflessness "I will buy them this pair of shoes, for the sole reason of making them happy, no matter who they are.".



This brings me to another aspect of life, though it may be the rarest, and most difficult to find aspect of life, selflessness. In fact, I sometimes doubt it's existence.



"selfless adj : showing unselfish concern for the welfare of others [syn: altruistic] [ant: egoistic]"



I would like to re-define, or refine the definition of this word "selflessness". I believe, a person who shows "unselfish concern for the welfare" of their friends and family, is undoubtedly selfish. I believe, true selflessness must extend to all forms of life(deserving), and not just to those within your life. It is, without a doubt, selfish to better those within YOUR life only, for this in the end betters your own quality of existence, and thus has a hidden selfish motive behind it.



True, unadulterated selflessness, has no motive behind it, and extends to all life forms, deserving of such kindness. When I say deserving, I mean those of honor, those that are also kind and selfless themselves, to some degree. I feel our current situation has forced those of a selfless nature, to nurture those of a deep selfishness, because others of a selfless nature, simply don't widely exist. This in itself is a deep form of selflessness, which strives to save our existence, and maybe teach others the virtue of selflessness.



How can one be seen as selfless, or selfish? How do you see the truth of a person, and know who they are? It's not something easily achieved in any way, shape, or form. If you think of any selfless action, you can see that there is a reward to gain from it. One can become a hero, in the eyes of others. That in itself is a reward. True selflessness, goes unseen, unrewarded and without question. Whether a person is of a good nature or not, can only be known by the person in question. It is something deep within you, that only you can see.



Love

True love. Everyone thinks they know exactly what it is, and 90% of them honestly don't. Some of us, say or feel like we're born to love somebody. Some of us, just want to be loved. There is no doubt, that if a person takes a liking to you, that feeling is enjoyable and pleasant. But, is this love? Real, love? No, it's not. Nine times out of ten, no matter how much you think otherwise, what you feel as "love", is not love. There are a million different ways people "fake love", and they all fail to realize how a person can truly love another person. What makes love real?



Sacrifice. The one true love, is sacrifice



"sac·ri·fice n. Forfeiture of something highly valued for the sake of one considered to have a greater value or claim."



True love, is placing the well-being of another, above your own, and spending every day, every hour, every minute, every second of your life, insuring that well-being and affording that person the happiness you know in your heart they deserve. If you are not prepared to lay down your life, and give everything you have for a person, do not tell them you love them, because you would simply be lying to them and yourself. The key is knowing your heart, and your own abilities to love. Wether or not you are truly prepared to do so. True love is forever, it never dies.



If anyone ever says to you "I've been in love before.", yet they are not still in love, they are outright lying and they don't even realize it. When love is true, there is no "getting over it", there is no "moving on". You may have cared about, or liked the person a great deal, but you were not in love with them. Another common misconception about love, is that it's some kind of universal lottery. Some people have it in their heads, that one day, they will meet a person who is their "true love" just out of the blue, by some great amount of luck.



Sure, there is a little bit of luck involved in meeting someone you can truly be in love with. But, the luck is centered around whether or not they are willing to build love with you. Love is made, it doesn't just exist. In order to be in love with someone, you must first care about them and be with them long enough for love to grow. Then, you vow to love them, and sacrifice for them, in the nature of true love.



There is no doubt, that love is the single greatest power of humankind. Love is selflessness, in it's purest form, and thus the rarest quality in existence. So in that respect, finding someone capable of such love, does involve a great deal of luck. But, love is inherent in all of us, and if we can see this within ourselves, we can chose to love, no matter who we are. We can grow to love, and grow to sacrifice in selfless ways. The problem is that people view the world in a construed way. They see only what's directly in front of them, and nothing beyond that. The keys to all the doors in life lie within you.



War

"War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself."



-- John Stewart Mill



That quote is all truth, and no less. War in this world, is one of the most selfless acts a person can partake in. It is almost linear with love itself. To give your life, for the safety of others, or a cause greater than themselves, is the greatest honor any human being can have to take with them beyond this life.



It is not the rewards or tragedies that come from war that make it what it is. The virtue of war lies in the simple fact, that those involved are risking and giving their lives, for something they deem greater than themselves. The essence of selflessness and this alone makes war something of a bitter sweetness, in most cases.



This leads me to another aspect/concept of life.



Honor

"My very dear Sarah. The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days, perhaps tomorrow. Lest I should not be able to write again, I feel compelled to write a few lines that may fall under your eyes, when I shall be no more. I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. How great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and suffering of the Revolution, and I am willing, perfectly willing, to lay down all my joys in this life, to pay that debt.



But, something whispers to me, that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed. If I do not, my dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me on the battlefield, it will whisper your name." - Maj. Sullivan Ballou (Union Soldier - 1861)



Honor is the combination of all the known virtues in this world, and a measurement of who you truly are as a person, as an entity. It is also your one and only, un-steal-able possession.



Honor, may seem like a selfish concern. The path to honor may seem obvious, but it's not.



Of all your possessions in this world, which can you take with you into the next? None but your honor. This in itself may seem selfish. The need to take with you something, anything, of your existence. But, you cannot be honorable, if you are selfish, for your selfish nature will destroy your honor. True honor is reserved for those who are truly selfless, brave, compassionate, honest, and fair.



A person who dies without honor, is a sad person indeed, for they will spend the rest of eternity, feeling the sting of redemption for their actions against others.



Honor is not simply the defense of your own name, or the defense of those you love. Honor is to uphold justice. To defend all who are unable to defend themselves, and to know what is right or wrong, in everything you do. Honor is to be humble before all others, and to respect those who are worthy. Honor is to know that there are forces greater than you. I believe we are all inherently honorable, but some of us chose to ignore that feeling, deep within our souls. The feeling must not be too powerful, for some.



Honor is above all, for as long as you live, if you have your honor, there is no way anyone can destroy you. Your honor is eternal, it exists untouchable in this world and the next.



Society

"The problem with humanity, is that everyone is too concerned with what society thinks of them, and not concerned enough with what they think of society." - Ferrel Hoover



In order to understand society itself, we must understand the inner-workings of it, as well as the motives behind it. I believe, our modern society is augmented greatly by the images and ideas put forth through the media. Many of us take information from television, or other forms of media, and consider it factual. This type of behavior leads to hatred, and disrespect for others. I believe society can even be held accountable for a certain amount of racism in our world.



Loneliness is a horrible feeling. How many of us, hate to be alone? Must be around others, and feel welcomed amongst them? It's perfectly natural, and completely understandable. But, we take this need to such an extreme, that we are willing to do almost anything to be a part of a group, and fit in with the crowd, no matter how poor of character that particular crowd may be. We, or at least the greater majority of our population, make society what it is. Fake, destructive, and sometimes deadly.



I consider almost every group, large or small, a form of society. This suggests, that our "society" is not one large group, but many different groups, and small societies, each with their own separate and unique values, but most adhering to a false, selfish, and destructive attitude, that hates others for any number of insubstantial reasons. Those of you that have been through high school, must remember the many social groups which existed within the population of your particular school. We have separated ourselves into many types of groups; punks, preps, skaters, thugs, misfits, gothic’s. The list goes on and on, and sometimes, hatreds arise between these groups. These hatreds, are often without grounds or reason, they hate a certain group, simply because they are that group, without knowing even a single one of its members.



Societies can lead to senseless hatred, and sometimes needless violence. This has been proven through past incidents, lives lost, and the great pain felt by those affected. But, societies can also lead to greatness, the key is proper manipulation and growth. The problem with our existence, is that there have never been either A) enough people of sound mind, to help lead society, or B) the right ideas, and the right methods in which to overcome our inherent selfish wants. Society, though meaning "a group" is still in many profound ways, deeply selfish. It exists due to the selfish need to feel welcome amongst others, and the lack of care put into whom they are welcome amongst. This brings to light, the quote at the beginning of this section, and should convey to you a greater understanding of it's meaning. We dive headlong, into a group and strive to gain their acceptance, without taking it upon ourselves to decide whether or not they deserve our own acceptance. This type of decision should be made based on the actions of the particular group, and it's members as a whole. Many of us, live our lives blindly, following every greedy want that our selfish minds put forth and caring not about who we step on, or what we destroy to achieve our ends.



Racism

Are you racist? This day in age, I'm willing to bet almost everyone you confront with such an inquiry will say "No way!", and 99% of them will be dead wrong about themselves. I have come to firmly believe, that a person who recognizes the race of another, and uses this aspect of them in any context, pertaining to them, is indeed racist to some extent, minor or otherwise.



For example, when you attempt to identify a person within a solitary moment, and relate this identification to another in a way that includes their race. Saying "The white guy" as opposed to "The man in the red hat."



I don't intend to point fingers at anyone, because I am sure most people can more than likely recall a situation where they acted in this manner. Just because you may have at one time acted this way, does not make you racist. But, it may open your eyes to a very critical piece, of the racism puzzle. Have we ever considered the possibility, that we judge others by their race, subconsciously? I don't mean on a social scale. I mean, personally.



Racism is a very personal issue, and it involves very personal feelings. It's obvious, that who we are before the eyes and ears of others is hardly ever who we truly are, deep down inside. Racism is also indeed, a very social issue that involves many groups of people. But, in order for a large group of people to change, they must each make this change within themselves. Thus racism becomes a personal issue, as all questions of character, be they good or bad, begin within. In other words, you cannot expect an entire group of literally millions of people, to be responsible for how they act as a group. They must simply take responsibility for themselves, as individuals. In accordance to this rule, you also cannot judge a large group of people, for each member of that group, is most likely completely different than any of the others within it. How can one say, that any group of people exhibit specific behaviors, without personally knowing every member of such a group, or AT LEAST the greater portion of it? Yet, every other month or so, there is some study introduced that claims to understand an entire group of individuals. These "scientists" take 10 or so different people, question or observe their actions and use this amount to judge the millions of others within our population. They repeat this process several times, comparing results. This would be effective with a small group of people, but there is no agency on earth, capable of studying a large enough group of people to make any kind of rational or logical judgment about their behaviors. To say, women are poor drivers, the average male thinks of sex every 10 seconds of every day, all dark skinned people love fried chicken and watermelon, or white men can't jump, is ABSURD. Even if some jackass, or group of jackasses tried to accurately prove/disprove these kinds of falsehoods, they would fail miserably due to lack of resources. No human agency on the face of this earth has the resources to research such a statement. Not even the U.S. Census Bureau. Pardon me for that tangent.



There is one more step to this as a personal matter. Do we allow our subconscious feelings and emotions, to effect our social actions and behaviors? Most may do this without even realizing they have done so. If there is anything to gain from reading this section of my website, it is the ability to analyze yourself, and your own actions. The ability to see who you truly are, what you truly want, and what you can do to improve who you are, in spirit, character, and honor.



In the end, there is only one person in this world that has the right, or the need to judge you. That is yourself.

Joan Osborne: What If God Was One Of Us?

If God had a name, what would it be

And would you call it to his face

If you were faced with him in all his glory

What would you ask if you had just one question

And yeah yeah God is great yeah yeah God is good

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

What if God was one of us

Just a slob like one of us

Just a stranger on the bus

Trying to make his way home

If God had a face what would it look like

And would you want to see

If seeing meant that you would have to believe

In things like heaven and in jesus and the saints and all the prophets

And yeah yeah god is great yeah yeah god is good

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

What if God was one of us

Just a slob like one of us

Just a stranger on the bus

Trying to make his way home

He's trying to make his way home

Back up to heaven all alone

Nobody calling on the phone

Except for the pope maybe in rome

And yeah yeah God is great yeah yeah God is good

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

What if god was one of us

Just a slob like one of us

Just a stranger on the bus

Trying to make his way home

Just trying to make his way home

Like a holy rolling stone

Back up to heaven all alone

Just trying to make his way home

Nobody calling on the phone

Except for the pope maybe in rome

Pursue The Moment

I saw this commercial on TV tonite and I really dont know why, but it made me break into tears....It is beautifully done and eloquantly spoken.

I Wish You Knew

I Wish You Knew Me When

I wish you knew me when
I greeted each day, arms outstretched
Knowing the day would be full
Of wonderful exciting things

I wish you knew me when
I rode my bike with the wind in my hair
A smile on my face and laughter in my voice
As I called for my friends to join me for the day

I wish you knew me when
Something as simple as a slumber party
Could make me happy for two whole weeks
When playing hide and seek until midnight
Was the best thing that could happen on a warm summer’s night

I wish you knew me when
I could relax enough to lie on a blanket under a tree with my best friend
Read a book, drink kool-aid
Not having to say a word to know that life was good and she was there

I wish you knew me when
My dreams were fresh and young
Full of hope and life
When my heart was full of the day, the hour, the minute
And none of them were wasted or lost.

Stephen King: The Dark Tower Series

I dont know how many Stephen King fan's I have reading my entries, but I know there is at least one person who is reading the last book of The Dark Tower Series (yes, Scorp ~aka Dr Phil~ that'd be you *lol*)

For anyone that loves to read and escape into another world where your mind is startled with intruiging imaginings and interesting complexities, look no further, this series is amazing. It is written by Stephen King and if you have ever read ANY of his other books, this entire series forms around them ~but, if you havent read any of his books, everything you need to know is explained in detail so you wont be missing anything. This series was started off of a poem he read in college (which I have included at the end of this post) and it has grown to almost a cult like status in modern culture.

I started reading this series when I was 14 years old. I was finally able to finish reading it about a year ago when he released the last few remaining books. Here are my thoughts on the books ~though brief and as non descriptive as possible so I dont ruin your reading experience.

Book 1: The Gunslinger

This book introduces the hero Roland, who must reach the Dark Tower in order to save his universe, Mid-World. There are passageways between our world and Mid-World, and a New York City boy named Jake gets shoved in front of a car by Jack Mort ("death"), is killed, and finds himself alive in Roland's world. He becomes Roland's surrogate son.

Book 2: The Drawing of the Three

Roland is attacked by marvelous, poisonous "lobstrosities" and enters our world for help. He takes heroin addict Eddie Dean from 1987 New York and Odetta Holmes from 1964 New York as his team. In a powerful time-tripping scene, Roland confronts Jack Mort and actually changes Jake's Earth history, which has heady implications for Roland's world.

Book 3: The Waste Lands

Roland and company get ensnared in a civil war in the urban waste of Lud, acquire a delightful talking pet named Oy the Bumbler, and find themselves captives of a psychotic train called Blaine the Mono.

Book 4: Wizard and Glass

It is a sci-fi fantasy novel that contains a post-apocalyptic Western love story twice as long. It begins with the series' star, world-weary Roland, and his world-hopping posse (an ex-junkie, a child, a plucky woman in a wheelchair, and a talking dog-like pet named Oy the Bumbler) trapped aboard a runaway train. The train is a psychotic multiple personality that intends to commit suicide with them at 800 M.P.H.--unless Roland and pals can outwit it in a riddling contest. After an epic battle ending in a box canyon to end all box canyons, we're back with grizzled, grown-up Roland and the train-wreck survivors in a parallel world: Kansas in 1986, after a plague.

Book 5: The Wolves of Calla

Roland, Eddie, Susannah, Jake and their talking pet "billy-bumbler" Oy continue their quest to prevent the destruction of the Dark Tower and, consequently, save all worlds from Chaos and the Crimson King's evil, red-eyed glare. Roland and company momentarily fall off the "Path of The Beam" to help the residents of Calla Bryn Sturgis, a farm town. The learn that every 20-odd years the "Wolves" kidnap one child from each set of the Calla's twins, bring them to the Tower and, weeks later, send them back mentally and physically impaired. Meanwhile, back in 1977 New York City (the alternate world of Roland's surrogate son, Jake), bookstore owner Calvin Tower is being threatened by a group of thugs (readers will recognize them from The Drawing of the Three, 1987) to sell them a vacant lot in midtown Manhattan. In the lot stands a rose, or rather the Rose, which is our world's manifestation of the Dark Tower. With the help of the Old Fella (also known to `Salem's Lot readers as Father Callahan), the gunslingers must devise a plan against evil in both worlds. The task, however, is further complicated as Roland and his gang start noticing behavioral changes in wheelchair-bound, recovered schizophrenic Susannah.

Book 6: The Song of Susannah

There's something about a crippled, black, schizophrenic, civil rights activist-turned-gunslinger whose body has been hijacked by a white, pregnant demon from a parallel world that keeps a seven-volume story bracingly strong as it veers toward its Armageddon-like conclusion. When Susannah Dean is transported via a magic door on the outskirts of Calla Bryn Sturgis (the scene of much of The Dark Tower V: Wolves of the Calla) to New York City in the summer of 1999, the "demon-mother" who possesses her, Mia, has only one thing on her mind. She must give birth to her "chap" at a predetermined location in Manhattan's East 60s, as instructed by the henchmen-or "Low Men"-of the evil Crimson King. Pressed for time, Father Callahan, preteen Jake and talking pet "billy-bumbler" Oy follow Susannah and Mia's trail in an effort to prevent an act that would quicken the destruction of the Dark Tower and, in turn, of all worlds. Meanwhile, gunslingers Roland and Eddie travel to 1977 Maine in search of bookstore owner Calvin Tower, who is being hunted down by mobster Enrico Balazar and his gang, who first appeared in Eddie's version of New York in The Drawing of the Three.

Book 7: The Dark Tower

I hate to admit this but the angry Constant Reader that King references in the last pages of his book, the one who doesn't like what he finds at the end of the quest and not to bother him with it...well, I guess that would be me.

I almost stopped reading when King said to. I really, truly almost stopped. It would have left me with insatiable curiosity though, and I think I'd have been curious how it all turned out till' my dying day. So with no more willpower than a wino guarding a liquor store, I trudged forth into the final pages of the book. And having finished it I will gladly share my thoughts with the whole shebang.

1. Flagg: Randall Flagg. Anyone who's read "The Stand" understands what a mean, nasty villain this guy is. To be frank I never got the idea that Flagg was entirely human. Sure, he *looks* human, but can change into a crow, can seemingly teleport, has a high innate knowledge of his surroundings. Tom Moon in "The Stand" indicates that he is known by many names, including Legion, when Jesus cast him into a herd of swine once. Flagg is something more than a simple man, something less than a demi-god. While it is nice to get a little more background info on him in this book I just have a really difficult time believing that he could be dispatched so easily, not to mention by *anyone* other than Roland, who was the one who was meant to kill him. His means of death was grotesque, and while debate will probably ensue on whether or not he got justice remains to be seen. Personally I thought it was horrific, even for him.

2. New York, Maine: I'm sick of it. I'm sick of both. What was great fun in "Drawing of the Three" and "The Wastelands" feels like covering the same old ground, over and over and over again. This whole business of jumping back and forth repeatedly grew so stale that I was tempted to just skip by it. I thought, in fact, that it hurt the story terribly that even though what seems like a dozen trips have been made there that one final trip to Maine had to be made to save King yet again. The Tet Corporation, while interesting, really brought nothing to the book. I didn’t really know these people and the gifts they gave Roland were, shall we say, lame? A book which he quickly gives away (huh?), a watch that will stop working when he goes near the Dark Tower (um...huh?) and I can't even remember what else. It was beginning to feel more like an episode of "Sliders" rather than the Dark Tower series. A really boring episode. Nuff' said.

3. The Crimson King: Granted, he's crazy. But the ruler and almost victor of the battle of the Dark Tower should be more than a doddering old fool throwing hand grenades. He was made such short work of (by the unforgivingly convenient Patrick) that it felt like a rush job.

4. Mordred: I'll grant that while he was an interesting sub-plot idea this guy was just put down alarmingly too easy. The entire fight lasts 3 paragraphs (small ones at that), and this after an entire book filled with tension buildup.

5. The Dark Tower: Exactly how I pictured the outside. Not at all how I thought it would be inside. Now after having read "Insomnia" my imaginings brought me to believe that the Tower itself was an inhabited structure with several levels, each level containing more and more sophisticated and/or powerful creatures as you reached the top. Now it's possible that all it is a representation of the major events of the life of whoever enters it. I would have liked to see Roland receive redemption at the end. A nice "Well done, Gunslinger...be at rest" from God or Gan or whomever. Instead...well...it broke my heart. An interesting ending, very original, but not one I agree with for one of my favorite story characters. He deserved better. Sue me if you don't agree.

6. Miscellany: The book had so many loose ends to tie up, so many uber-villains to kill, so much plot to sew up, so many mysteries to unravel, that I just cannot see how this could have been done with a clear conscience. I understand Mr. King wanted the books to be done, and I don't blame him. They're his "Opus Magnus" as he calls it, but it being that it should at least be as neat as the first four books of the series. The last 3 books, but this one in particular, feels rushed. Hurried. Please don't get me wrong, in places this book is wonderful (Blue Heaven, the Breakers, Empathico, the last leg to the Dark Tower, etc) and had me almost crying with several deaths. These were my friends, they'd become something real to me, and to have the book feel so rushed is almost...shall I say...sacrilege? I'm sorry...I'd have rather waited 5 years between installments for a better ending than this offered.

King was in the book too much, making me wonder if he's got a narcissistic streak. What was done well in Song of Susannah just doesn't have the same cohesion in this book. NYC possibly being the Lud of the past really flummoxed me. Susannah's "reunion" with Eddie and Jake at the end felt like a terrible cop out. I cannot believe for a minute that Susannah would do such a thing with anyone other than her own Eddie, and nice as it was to see her happy at the end it just felt poorly thought out. Where were "Travellin' Jack" Sawyer and Parkus of "The Talisman" and "Black House" fame? These were characters I fully expected to see and when they didn't show I wondered why all the hoopla from "Black House". Sheemie being there shocked me, but his untimely death and total non-reaction to that death by Roland left me stunned. Why no more flashbacks? What happened to Alain and Jamie DeCurry? So many unanswered questions.

Losing Eddie, Jake and Susannah before the end was a travesty. We've been following their lives for how many years now? And he drops them before the end for no apparent reason. Why? And then brings in some last minute character that we neither know nor care about ("the artist") to defeat Roland's nemesis. No showdown between Roland and the king. Wow. And putting himself in the book was just sad (yes I know he tried to explain it away in the afterward, makes no difference.) I guess maybe he was tired of this story after all these years and just wanted it out of his hair, so he churned out the last 3 books as quickly as possible, knowing we would all snap them up no matter how they were written (myself included).

My main criticism is that the book lacks a purpose, which is a necessity for a quest. A quest is typically good versus evil, but that seems to be missing here. King seems to feel that the quest is an end in itself, instead of the means to an end. Roland seems more amoral with every line that I read and by the time of the final confrontation, a part of me is rooting for Crimson King. There are some sparse mentions about the end of the world if the Crimson King wins, but it seems to me that Roland doesn't care about the world, just so long as he gets to enter his tower.

King does provide some interesting details about how the Crimson King is breaking the beams and adds some new characters; however the character that should have been left out was Stephen King himself.

In the book, the epic of the Dark Tower series is not written by King, but is channeled to him by Ka. In fact, he doesn't want to write about the tower and does so only out of obligation. My overall reaction to this book goes along those same lines. It seems like King is tired of writing and really doesn't want to finish this book, but feels obligated to finish the story for his readers. Or perhaps he feels obligated to Ka to finish it.

Lastly, what shall I say about the ending? I don't get it. I don't. This is the end of the quest and I have no idea what the ending that King wrote is supposed to symbolize. I won't say that this is the worst ending ever written (that honor belongs to Clive Barker, who actually killed God in The Imagica) or the worst ending that King has ever written (that honor belongs to IT, which involves children and an orgy).

I won't spoil the results, except to say that it's not a happy ending for Roland. The ending makes me question what the Dark Tower is supposed to represent. Since the Dark Tower is the tool for giving life and the Crimson King wants to destroy it, I had always made the connection that King wanted it to mean God, love, truth, or some such thing. After King's ending, I haven't got a clue what it stands for. I left feeling empty.

Stephen has gone back and modified The Gunslinger. Hopefully, he'll get tired of retirement and in a few years he will do the same with The Dark Tower.

Trying to look at it from a different perspective, King taught us (his readers) that Ka is a wheel...so....I guess in many ways this is a story of hope. The hope that all of one's efforts in life will pay off, and, that efforts will not be in vain. The question becomes for the reader to decide, is the journey of the ka-tet in vain, or is their hope well founded in the end. Overall the book reflects the events of life in general, some days the efforts might not pay off, depending on how you look at it, some days efforts pay off in a big way.

...All in all...it was a fabulous series with a plot that will go down in history as one of the most complex, twisting, and fascinating...I don’t regret the time I spent with Roland and His Tet...I feel terrible sadness that even after accomplishing all of His goals Roland was still not allowed to rest.

The one thing I don’t understand is IF King really wanted this series to be finished (and its loyal readers to quit bitching at him to finish it) ....WHY did 99% of every book he’s ever written in his entire career have something to do with the Tower & Roland’s quest? If he really wanted it to go away why would he plot his entire career around it? Why would he then think his loyal readers would be pleased with the very shabbily written ending to a series that millions have grown to love?

"CHILDE ROLAND TO THE DARK TOWER CAME”
by Robert Browning

I
My first thought was, he lied in every word,
That hoary cripple, with malicious eye
Askance to watch the workings of his lie
On mine, and mouth scarce able to afford
Suppression of the glee, that pursed and scored
Its edge, at one more victim gained thereby.

II
What else should he be set for, with his staff?
What, save to waylay with his lies, ensnare
All travellers who might find him posted there,
And ask the road? I guessed what skull-like laugh
Would break, what crutch 'gin write my epitaph
For pastime in the dusty thoroughfare.

III
If at his counsel I should turn aside
Into that ominous tract which, all agree,
Hides the Dark Tower. Yet acquiescingly
I did turn as he pointed, neither pride
Now hope rekindling at the end descried,
So much as gladness that some end might be.

IV
For, what with my whole world-wide wandering,
What with my search drawn out through years, my hope
Dwindled into a ghost not fit to cope
With that obstreperous joy success would bring,
I hardly tried now to rebuke the spring
My heart made, finding failure in its scope.

V
As when a sick man very near to death
Seems dead indeed, and feels begin and end
The tears and takes the farewell of each friend,
And hears one bit the other go, draw breath
Freelier outside, ('since all is o'er,' he saith
And the blow fallen no grieving can amend;')

VI
When some discuss if near the other graves
be room enough for this, and when a day
Suits best for carrying the corpse away,
With care about the banners, scarves and staves
And still the man hears all, and only craves
He may not shame such tender love and stay.

VII
Thus, I had so long suffered in this quest,
Heard failure prophesied so oft, been writ
So many times among 'The Band' to wit,
The knights who to the Dark Tower's search addressed
Their steps - that just to fail as they, seemed best,
And all the doubt was now - should I be fit?

VIII
So, quiet as despair I turned from him,
That hateful cripple, out of his highway
Into the path he pointed. All the day
Had been a dreary one at best, and dim
Was settling to its close, yet shot one grim
Red leer to see the plain catch its estray.

IX
For mark! No sooner was I fairly found
Pledged to the plain, after a pace or two,
Than, pausing to throw backwards a last view
O'er the safe road, 'twas gone; grey plain all round;
Nothing but plain to the horizon's bound.
I might go on, naught else remained to do.

X
So on I went. I think I never saw
Such starved ignoble nature; nothing throve:
For flowers - as well expect a cedar grove!
But cockle, spurge, according to their law
Might propagate their kind with none to awe,
You'd think; a burr had been a treasure trove.

XI
No! penury, inertness and grimace,
In some strange sort, were the land's portion. 'See
'Or shut your eyes,' said Nature peevishly,
'It nothing skills: I cannot help my case:
''Tis the Last Judgement's fire must cure this place
'Calcine its clods and set my prisoners free.'

XII
If there pushed any ragged thistle-stalk
Above its mates, the head was chopped, the bents
Were jealous else. What made those holes and rents
In the dock's harsh swarth leaves, bruised as to baulk
All hope of greenness? Tis a brute must walk
Pashing their life out, with a brute's intents.

XIII
As for the grass, it grew as scant as hair
In leprosy; thin dry blades pricked the mud
Which underneath looked kneaded up with blood.
One stiff blind horse, his every bone a-stare,
Stood stupified, however he came there:
Thrust out past service from the devil's stud!

XIV
Alive? he might be dead for aught I knew,
With that red gaunt and colloped neck a-strain.
And shut eyes underneath the rusty mane;
Seldom went such grotesqueness with such woe;
I never saw a brute I hated so;
He must be wicked to deserve such pain.

XV
I shut my eyes and turned them on my heart,
As a man calls for wine before he fights,
I asked one draught of earlier, happier sights,
Ere fitly I could hope to play my part.
Think first, fight afterwards, the soldier's art:
One taste of the old time sets all to rights.

XVI
Not it! I fancied Cuthbert's reddening face
Beneath its garniture of curly gold,
Dear fellow, till I almost felt him fold
An arm to mine to fix me to the place,
The way he used. Alas, one night's disgrace!
Out went my heart's new fire and left it cold.

XVII
Giles then, the soul of honour - there he stands
Frank as ten years ago when knighted first,
What honest man should dare (he said) he durst.
Good - but the scene shifts - faugh! what hangman hands
Pin to his breast a parchment? His own bands
Read it. Poor traitor, spit upon and curst!

XVIII
Better this present than a past like that:
Back therefore to my darkening path again!
No sound, no sight as far as eye could strain.
Will the night send a howlet or a bat?
I asked: when something on the dismal flat
Came to arrest my thoughts and change their train.

XIX
A sudden little river crossed my path
As unexpected as a serpent comes.
No sluggish tide congenial to the glooms;
This, as it frothed by, might have been a bath
For the fiend's glowing hoof - to see the wrath
Of its black eddy bespate with flakes and spumes.

XX
So petty yet so spiteful! All along,
Low scrubby alders kneeled down over it;
Drenched willows flung them headlong in a fit
Of mute despair, a suicidal throng:
The river which had done them all the wrong,
Whate'er that was, rolled by, deterred no whit.

XXI
Which, while I forded - good saints, how I feared
To set my foot upon a dead man's cheek,
Each step, of feel the spear I thrust to seek
For hollows, tangled in his hair or beard!
- It may have been a water-rat I speared,
But, ugh! it sounded like a baby's shriek.

XXII
Glad was I when I reached the other bank.
Now for a better country. Vain presage!
Who were the strugglers, what war did they wage,
Whose savage trample thus could pad the dank
soil to a plash? Toads in a poisoned tank
Or wild cats in a red-hot iron cage -

XXIII
The fight must so have seemed in that fell cirque,
What penned them there, with all the plain to choose?
No footprint leading to that horrid mews,
None out of it. Mad brewage set to work
Their brains, no doubt, like galley-slaves the Turk
Pits for his pastime, Christians against Jews.

XXIV
And more than that - a furlong on - why, there!
What bad use was that engine for, that wheel,
Or brake, not wheel - that harrow fit to reel
Men's bodies out like silk? With all the air
Of Tophet's tool, on earth left unaware
Or brought to sharpen its rusty teeth of steel.

XXV
Then came a bit of stubbed ground, once a wood,
Next a marsh it would seem, and now mere earth
Desperate and done with; (so a fool finds mirth,
Makes a thing and then mars it, till his mood
Changes and off he goes!) within a rood -
Bog, clay and rubble, sand, and stark black dearth.

XXVI
Now blotches rankling, coloured gay and grim,
Now patches where some leanness of the soil's
Broke into moss, or substances like boils;
Then came some palsied oak, a cleft in him
Like a distorted mouth that splits its rim
Gaping at death, and dies while it recoils.

XXVII
And just as far as ever from the end!
Naught in the distance but the evening, naught
To point my footstep further! At the thought,
A great black bird, Apollyon's bosom friend,
Sailed past, not best his wide wing dragon-penned
That brushed my cap - perchance the guide I sought.

XXVIII
For, looking up, aware I somehow grew,
'Spite of the dusk, the plain had given place
All round to mountains - with such name to grace
Mere ugly heights and heaps now stolen in view.
How thus they had surprised me - solve it, you!
How to get from them was no clearer case.

XXIX
Yet half I seemed to recognise some trick
Of mischief happened to me, God knows when -
In a bad dream perhaps. Here ended, then
Progress this way. When, in the very nick
Of giving up, one time more, came a click
As when a trap shuts - you're inside the den.

XXX
Burningly it came on me all at once,
This was the place! those two hills on the right,
Crouched like two bulls locked horn in horn in fight;
While to the left a tall scalped mountain ... Dunce,
Dotard, a-dozing at the very nonce,
After a life spent training for the sight!

XXXI
What in the midst lay but the Tower itself?
The round squat turret, blind as the fool's heart,
Built of brown stone, without a counterpart
In the whole world. The tempest's mocking elf
Points to the shipman thus the unseen shelf
He strikes on, only when the timbers start.

XXXII
Not see? because of night perhaps? - why day
Came back again for that! before it left
The dying sunset kindled through a cleft:
The hills, like giants at a hunting, lay,
Chin upon hand, to see the game at bay, -
'Now stab and end the creature - to the heft!'

XXXIII
Not hear? When noise was everywhere! it tolled
Increasing like a bell. Names in my ears
Of all the lost adventurers, my peers -
How such a one was strong, and such was bold,
And such was fortunate, yet each of old
Lost, lost! one moment knelled the woe of years.

XXXIV
There they stood, ranged along the hillsides, met
To view the last of me, a living frame
For one more picture! In a sheet of flame
I saw them and I knew them all. And yet
Dauntless the slug-horn to my lips I set,
And blew. 'Childe Roland to the Dark Tower came.'