Surrogate Father?

Today I needed a filter for my “inside” voice…ya’ll know it. It’s the one that THINKS all the things before you actually speak them? The one that runs rampant with sarcasm, wit, viciousness, and brutal honesty before it actually passes through your mouth and causes harm? Yea…that one.

I know I am anxious because I am done with group on Friday. I KNOW why I am displaying my *ahems* charming attitude in frequent displays. I am TRYING to tolerate being completely terrified of all of the changes that are going to be taking place in my life in the next 3 days. I am really just emotionally beat. I haven’t cried this much in my entire life.

Today in large group, Lorraine started saying goodbyes to people ~ her & I started together, and we will be leaving together. She started saying goodbyes to people, when she was done I decided that it was time for me to bite the bullet and start as well. I figured I’d start with the therapist team ~I mean really, I don’t have any DEEP attachments to them right?! *please note the sarcasm*

I get through saying goodbye to Anthony, Brandy, Cathy, and Brennan with relative ease ~ relative is the easy way of saying “very little tears” ~ I told them all individually what I learned from each of them and how grateful I am for their help…then I looked at my Buddha ~Noel~ sitting beside me and I LOST MY FREEKIN MIND. I started saying goodbye to him 5 times before I was actually able to form a complete sentence. I was sobbing my eyes out ~ it was the ugly cry, the gasping for breathe, nose running everywhere, tears streaming so fast that you just simply cant see...the rest of the large group was waiting patiently and smiling at me for encouragement while Noel was just sitting beside me smiling in his soft gentle way patiently waiting for me to tell him what he already knows.

Noel is THE reason I was able to complete this program. Whenever I was totally confused, defensive, brutally rude, wanted to give up, storm out of the group room, or have a complete vicious breakdown all I had to do was look at him and he would help me. I sit beside him in every group he participates in with me. I took in everything he showed me, taught me, and help me realize. My attachment to Noel seriously surprised me. I knew that I appreciated him and admired him, but I didn’t think that I would want to come home and just drink myself into oblivion at the idea of having to leave him behind. I had to say goodbye to my Buddha today and it broke my heart.

So while I was trying to find the words to tell Noel how important he has been to me this stupid bitch who started 7 days ago looks at me and says “get to the fucking point already. I don’t understand why you are wasting everyone’s time with this bullshit.”

Now rationally, I understand why the new people to the group are uncomfortable with the goodbyes. They haven’t had time yet to form the attachments and they are still so new that they aren’t even contemplating leaving the program yet. I GET ALL THAT and so trying to be kind, I said back to her that I understood why she was feeling the need to lash out at me because her own emotions and envy were making her uncomfortable. I went on to tell her that maybe she feels the need to destroy anything good around her is because she simply cannot deal with anyone feeling anything that has nothing to do with her. Every single day in large group she comes into a discussion and rants about how much she hates her assigned therapist ~which happens to be Noel~ and by entering into an ongoing conversation that has nothing to do with hatred she kills the entire flow of the room…and this is where I needed my filter…I then called her a selfish assuming jealous petty bitch *ughs*

Noel decided that I wasn’t finished working, even though I shut the stupid moron up with my statement and I was able to complete my goodbye to him. He asked me why I reacted so viciously to her. I said “I dunno, (my first mistake cuz that’s when Satna entered the conversation with a sharp “bullshit Christine, you do know” comment) she just really pisses me off with her need to constantly complain.” Noel then asked me “who is she complaining about?” and suddenly it all kind of made a little more sense. This woman is bitching about how much she hates MY Buddha. She is constantly whining about how much he judges her, and how badly she wants a new therapist, and all this other crap. I worked through it and figured that I was reacting because I felt she was hurting MY Noel. Noel then asked me “and what if I was hurt by her?” and I lost my eye sight again. I was crying so hard. I finally got out “well, if she hurts you, you’ll get discouraged and then you’ll disappear.” Noel pushed me a little more and said “why would I disappear?” and I spit out the first thing that came to my mind which, much to my complete horror, was “because that’s what my dad does.”

Jesus. I’ve made Noel my dad. Realizing that today was doubly painful. I finally had to tolerate the knowledge of all the things I wanted from my real dad and never got. I finally had to accept my dad’s limitations and acknowledge what I really need from him is never going to be available.

The only differences in my chosen parent and my actual parent are that Noel offered me healthy helpful strategies for life, I was able to take in what Noel was offering me, and that he made it evident in a tough love kind of way that he truly does care about ME and who I am trying to become. Noel shows me respect and kindness.

My real dad shows me mental abuse and ugliness. My real dad shows me how to manipulate and use people. My real dad shows me that the world is ugly and I’ve got to be uglier to survive it. My real dad is a reflection of everything I don’t want to be and am terrified that I am becoming.

I am so not ready to “graduate” from the program. I am nowhere near done with everything I need to learn. I could make going to therapy a fulltime occupation…I wonder if Satna will go for that.

I have to tackle saying goodbye to Satna tomorrow. I also have to start saying goodbye to the people I have become friends with tomorrow. The majority of the people I was closest to have already left the program but there are still about 10-15 remaining that I need to acknowledge and that’s gonna suck. We aren’t allowed to keep in contact with people we've made connections with outside of the program so those goodbyes I have to say tommorrow are as final as the ones I had to say to the therapist team today. *sighs*

Can someone quickly invent a time STOP machine so I can stay in my 18th week for another 18 weeks?