To The Ones Who Walked With Me

As-sim-i-late [v. uh-sim-uh-leyt; n. uh-sim-uh-lit, -leyt] Meaning to take in and incorporate as one’s own; absorb.

Satna and I had a long talk today in large group. I told her all about my fears, worries, and other thoughts that I’ve been expressing here for a little while about having to leave the program. She made me realize that I HAVE the tools I now need to be able to go out into the “real” world and make the decisions about my life in healthy and productive ways. She asked me to assimilate all the knowledge that I have gained from my past 18 weeks and she asked me to remember all the different people that I learned from and experienced group therapy with.

The conversation with Satna this morning got me thinking about all the people that have touched my life within the program that I miss so much. I need to remember them and I need to remember the little things they taught me…so here’s to the special one’s that walked this road with me.

Liz – You taught me to always remember that things will look a whole lot better as long as you have a cute pair of shoes on. *lol* You also taught me to step out of my comfort zone and get involved in things I am weary of. Thank you for playing charades and pictionary with me.

Anthony – Volleyball wasn’t the same without you. You taught me the value of simply playing. You taught me the value in sharing some down time with people I enjoy and you gave me the gift of laughter. Thank you.

Rena – You taught me that strength does not have to be harsh or cruel. You taught me that you can climb back from sexual abuse and become a stronger person. You gave me the gift of being allowed to just BE around you. You never expected anything from me. I admire you and respect you and wish that you were still in my life. Thank you.

Paul – I don’t even know where to start. You & I connected early on and our attachment just grew and grew. When I came back into group on the Monday after you had finished I kept scanning the room wondering where you were and then all of a sudden it hit me again that you were gone. You taught me the value of memories when you worked with me about my Boyz and loss in general. You worked so hard with me with my parents because we had such similar backgrounds. You taught me that my parents faults are NOT my own. You taught me HOW to laugh. I will forever remember you and sing “thank god I’m a country boy” and maybe one day I will actually learn the lyrics. *lol* I miss you my friend. Thank you.

Christie – From day one in support group and all through the program we were as close as sisters. I am so thankful for your insight and caring. You taught me forgiveness and self respect. You taught me the value of the little things, like telling people how much you value, admire, respect, and treasure them. You taught me to embrace loss and learn from it. My last week without you has been really hard. I love you girlie girl. Thank you.

David – At first I was scared of you because you were so emotional. Then I envied you because you were so emotional. You never failed in every single group every single day at working your butt off to get as much as you could from every single person in the room. You taught me courage and perseverance. You also taught me that the only way to get over hard things is to jump in and just DO IT. You never made excuses, complained, or moaned at your situations. You always learned from them. I admire you and I will forever remember that hairless rats feel like penises. *lmao* Thank you.

Gail – When I first came into the group you were 1 week ahead of me. We clashed like titans. I called you Ms. Toxic. I am not sure exactly how we started shifting the balance from a power struggle to an understanding and respect of each other, but I am so thankful that we did. You taught me that first assumptions can often be wrong. You taught me the value of patience. I love you, even though you do creepy voices *lol* Thank you.

Grant – When I look at you I see myself mirrored back at me. You feel like a brother. You taught me about rage. You taught me how to harness it and learn from it. You taught me to work through my un-comfortableness with it because that is where the work is. You taught me the value of reflection and thinking before I speak. I am so grateful to you. I feel like I did some of my most important work with you. Thank you for laughing with me during breaks and lunches. Every time I hear “I’m just a gigolo” on the radio I will remember you doing mock-karaoke at lunch one day and I make a solemn promise to be kinder to strangers that need directions…”Hey Lady…” *rotfl* Thank you.

Carol – You were the lesson I had to learn the hard way. I disliked you right from your first day and my opinion never changed. In the beginning I fought openly with you and decided that I was going to learn nothing from you but as I slowly started to learn things and tolerate other things I found myself working with you in a more constructive way. You taught me how to co-operate and work with people that I dislike. You taught me the value in picking my battles. Of all the people who have touched me you are someone I am never going to forget. Thank you.

Diane – You taught me how to be gentle and compassionate. You taught me how to see the true worth in people. You taught me to value my creativity. I worked so well with you. You’ve been gone for 3 weeks now and every day I still look to see where you are sitting in large group. The groups don’t feel the same without you. The baby blue jays learned to fly and the nest is empty now, I know you would want to know that. Thank you.

Carla – We could easily be best friends in the “real” world. You taught me to value boundaries and limits. You showed me the true strength of possessing them. You were always there with a kind smile, a compassionate look, or a simple “you ok?” whenever I felt my world tilt on its axis but you always stayed in the boundaries of the program. You taught me how to be a true friend to someone while respecting my own limitations. I will forever be grateful that you were there with me. I am going to miss you so badly. I love you chikita-banana. Thank you.

Mike – Well Shorty, (he’s 6’6” *lol*) I think you have made the most impact on me while we were working together on destructive behaviors. You were so open and forthcoming and willing to help me recognize my own patterns while bringing it back to yourself so I never felt like I didn’t belong. You taught me that anger is the cover up for everything and that to accomplish anything real and memorable I have to work past that into the true emotion behind my reaction. You taught me how to recognize my feelings for what they truly are not what I am trying to cover them up to look like. Your gift to me was priceless. Thank you.

Norma-Anne – We only had a short time to work together but in that short time you taught me to value my spirituality and my passions. You taught me the value in believing in something that feels very real to me. You taught me to question things. You taught me to stand firm in my beliefs but still allow them to be questioned. You taught me to listen and truly hear. I admire you and the work you did. Thank you.

Lorraine – We started together and we’ll finish together. From day 1 we have been as close as sisters, and at times we fought like siblings. We always worked well together. Working with you about my sexual abuse was enlightening. I was so grateful that you were willing to help me recognize that it really wasn’t my fault. Every Thursday playing games with you was so much fun, even if ya do count the cards in hearts. *lol* Thank you for your gift of friendship, understanding, and time. I will never forget you. I love you sister I choose. Thank you.

So, my friends. I wish you all the happiness your hearts can hold and all the success in the world in whatever you chose to accomplish. I wish with all my heart that I helped you in the ways you have all helped me. Because I have said my goodbyes to each of you individually I feel comfortable in ending this with something from classic Paul…Niters ‘cuz I don’t wanna say goodbye!!! *lol*

Now all of you, my cyber-land turned real friends, know a little bit about the people I have spent 18 weeks with and the impact they have had on me. The connections I made with these people, and others that I didn’t mention, has been starkly real. While painful at times, frustrating at others, and heartbreakingly painfully, bittersweet in the end, I wouldn’t change a single second.

This has been the hardest experience of my life. As Satna says “Psychotherapy isn’t supposed to be easy. You are supposed to put your entire self on display, rip yourself apart, and decide when it’s all over what you will keep and value.” I still have to assimilate what I learned from the therapist team but as I still have 1 day left I am not done learning yet.