Fireflies

It's been a rough day. Actually, its been a rough 7 months, but hey, who's counting? *sighs*

I've been having some really BAD dreams latley. They always wake me up screaming. I am dreaming that I am patrolling some remote desert area looking for signs of ...lord knows what...and then I have to stand and watch as all my Boyz get blown up in bombs that are hidden in the sand and as I rush to each of them individually they all die, one by one, in my arms...I've been working on this dream in other groups but I am apparantly not making the progress the therapists determine as valuable (or something...who knows...) so Brennan and Satna singled me out for today's Action Group topic of "If you could say anything to any one in your life, dead or alive, what would you say? and who would you say it to?"

Today Brennan "made" me put my Boyz in chairs and "made" me say whatever I needed to say to each of them individually. Do you have any fucking idea how hard it is to pour your heart out to empty chairs in a room full of people who have experienced similar types of losses, but still dont understand YOUR individual grief?

I stared at these chairs for about 5 minutes, not saying a word, just having a literal flashbacks of every memory I have of them individually and all of us together. My brain kept singing the first song I chose to include in this blog. I remember when all of us used to play "Star Wars" and I was always Princess Lea (*ugh*)...I remember when Mark used to catch frogs and chase me around the block on his bike threatening to throw it at me (and yes, I ran screaming)...WHY isnt this getting easier????

Brennan just let me stare at these chairs and sob my heart out....the entire room just sat there quiet and still...waiting...Satna was the one that kept on pushing me. (yea, I know, big suprise) She flat out told me that if I was going to heal AT ALL I NEEDED to say good bye to them. I am so NOT ready to say good bye to these men. I have grieved them, I have been angry, sad, confused, and every other emotion in between...but I just dont know how to move past this. I am trying so damn hard to over come this that I feel disconnected from it now. Satna kept pushing me, I kept fighting her.

Grant was the one that broke me today. He got up from his chair after watching me fight mentally and emotionally against Satna with every ounce of strength I possessed, sat down in Mark's chair in front of me and said "Kris, I know you are mad at me for leaving you, I understand and its ok. You know we all love you and that we will never be truly gone from you..." ...and thats all I remember him saying because at that point I actually screamed "Shut the fuck up" and hit the floor sobbing so hard I could barely breathe while he kept talking to me like he was Mark.

It's been just over 7 months since I lost Mark and just over 2 months since T, J, D & M were killed. I have tried to...ok, thats a complete lie...I've wallowed in my guilt, grief,and anger. I have allowed my complete rage at the situations that were completely beyond my control to completely control me. I have given into my pain and I feed it daily. If I dont see something or someone that automatically reminds me of any of them I search for things, people, situations...anything really...to make me feel the loss over and over again. Satna got through to me today.

When I got myself "pulled together" I actually screamed at the chairs. I had a complete melt down at 5 empty chairs. I told them all that I thought they were complete assholes for joining the Marines. I told them all that I thought they were selfish, moronic, assholes. Christ that hurts. My best friends are dead and all I could do was scream obscenities at them.

Satna finally got me focused through my amazing rage and I was able to get down to what I really wanted them to know and what I remembered about each of them and why they were so special to me as individuals rather than the group my brain tends to "lump" them together in, and I finally said Goodbye to each of them. I dont really remember the words I said but I do know how empty I felt after I said them.

I remember when I was a little girl and I had all these dreams and all these "When I grow up" statements...I never imagined that life would be like this. I feel like I want a complete RE-DO in life. I want to do it all over again...actually...thats another complete lie...I just want life over with. I am so tired of feeling broken.