She pushed me HARD all week at every opportunity she had. By Thursday morning she was actually cursing at me and called me “fucking impossible” to which I could only laugh and say “well…DUH!” she then went on to ask me if I even realized how hard I make things on myself. She asked me if I had any idea how hard a time I give people who truly care about me. She asked me all kindsa things, but before I could answer any of her questions the day was over.
This morning in large group she came back at me with “well Christine, I hope you have done some thinking and are prepared to work now” and I just looked at her like she had suddenly grown 3 heads and I wasn’t sure which one to focus on. The group moved on a little into the topic that had been brought up and she kept circling around to me just to let me know that I wasn’t off the hook and that I wasn’t done yet. *sighs and bangs head*
I sat there and thought about what it is she is so desperately trying to make me realize and so aggressively trying to teach me. It finally got through, it took me a few days to figure out and of course, being me, I had to do it the hard way by working against Satna instead of working with her, BUT, I got there. I still don’t know how I figured it out. But I definitely had an “AHA!” moment (yup…hands raised up, angelic noises and all *lol*)
Satna is trying to teach me to TOLERATE my loss and my pain and all the un-comfortableness that comes with tolerating it. When I am finally able to tolerate my pain and sense of loss in ALL aspects of my life ~not just with my Boyz~ I will finally quit depriving myself of other people who are able and willing to care about me. I will be able to enter into healthy exchanges with people I come into contact with and take what caring is offered to me from them without looking to twist the caring offered into something destructive or unsatisfying.
If I continue to re-live the loss of my best friends I will not look to cultivate other relationships that could potentially alter and change my life like the friendships I had with them. I will be left alone to wallow in my self created misery. I realized that I am capable of forming similar types of connections with people and they won’t diminish the memories I have of my Boyz but they will enhance my life and enrich me in other ways. In ways I need.
All I have left to do now is figure out HOW to do all of that. *sighs and continues banging my head against my desk*
When she circled the conversation back around to me again in large group this morning after I truly put some thought into it and said all I had to say she actually applauded me. Everyone else was like “damn, how’d she get there on her own!??!” and I was still sitting there looking at Satna like she had 3 heads because she’s clapping like I just performed a brilliant stunt at a circus…which, in some ways, I guess I had.
I guess it really is time to say goodbye to the men who have shaped and filled my life. I know now that goodbye isn’t “I’ll forget you next week” or a tarnish on their memories, it is simply something I have to do to heal and make myself into the type of person they all knew I was. I actually believe this goodbye…which is, to me, completely different than uttering the words because someone thinks you should…
I only have 2 more weeks of therapy left. The past 16 weeks have FLOWN by. I am feeling some serious anxiety about having to leave group and venture on into the world on my own without Satna to lean on and to kick my ass every day…I told her that today, she just laughed and said “ohhh Christine, you have been so good for me…you keep me on my toes…you wont forget everything I’ve helped you learn. The wisdom, knowledge, and guidance you need will appear to you when you need it most” and then I stunned her by breaking into tears AGAIN. I swear to gawd all I’ve done this past month is cry. Mark used to tell me the EXACT same thing…Hearing it from Satna just screwed up my brain.
I am super stressed about returning to work. I’ve been off since February (yea, I know, I can feel all your hearts bleeding for me *lol*) and SO many changes have happened in the company since I’ve been off that I don’t know where I am going to fit when I go back. Hell, I’ve had 3 managers since February and I never met any of them before they were either moved to different departments or let go all together. My entire team has changed and I don’t wanna sit in a cubicle beside people I don’t know *pitches a small fit*
I’ve got a lot of changes coming up before the end of the month. Leaving group, going back to work, going to NY in September to see Mark & M's & D's gravesites along with a side trip to Boston to see T &J's gravesites, re-joining my Karate Do-Jo for 2 nights a week, going to a scrapbook club once a week with some pretty fun women I met, swimming 3 times a week, promising myself to get back on my eliptical trainer to break my ass at least twice a week ...it's all overwhelming me at the moment, though I do believe the choices I am making are healthier and will make me happier.
I’m gonna cruise, Lance is determined to go to a freekin football game (and its POURING rain outside *sighs*) so I’ve gotta go find my snow suit AND my rain suit…aren’t I gonna be just a little sex pot?! *lmao*
Smooches to everyone who has loved me through yet another nightmare. I cant promise that I will never talk about them again, but I can promise that I wont be bleeding and raw about them anymore. I am taking the steps to healing and I am feeling alot better and not quite as empty.
Josh Groban - To Where You Are.
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