Skating Anyone?

For some unknown reason to me I really seem to enjoy buying things that I can potentially severely hurt myself on while attempting to use.

When Lance and I first started going out he told me he really like to rollerblade. I said “oh cool, I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that”….fateful words…so Lance and I went to Sports Check and I bought these really hot super duper top of the line K2 rollerblades.

My Rollerblades. Aren’t they pretty?!?!?! *lol*

The day I bought them the sales guy at Sports Check asked me if I had ever roller skated, I said “oh yea, my roller skates had ice cream cone laces and rainbows on them. I remember dancing on my driveway in them.” Sales guy then said “ok, then you’ll have no problems on rollerblades” …fateful words…he then let me get off the sticky mat thingy to try them out around the store. I was so excited.

I cruised around the store like some kind of rollerblading super hero. I only had one minor problem in the store. Someone decided that putting a pyramid of boxes in my way was a good idea…and no, it doesn’t matter that the pyramid was there before I even thought about buying rollerblades…I crashed into the pyramid like the Kool-Aid Guy and hit the ground HARD. I wasn’t so excited at that point. Everyone was laughing at me. Lance was torn between laughing his ass off at me, making sure I hadn’t broken anything and being somewhat thrilled that his girlfriend appeared to be trying to have some skill at rollerblading

We drove over to his sister’s house and I put my blades on, still somewhat all happy and excited. I figured that I had learned from the crash in the store and I wouldn’t repeat that mistake…bad thought process...I laced and strapped myself into my blades and attempted to stand up. It’s really not easy to do without a sticky mat underneath you so the wheels don’t roll. I finally managed the feat of standing up and I hobbled to the back alley where Lance was waiting for me.

Despite the fact that it took me almost 10 minutes to stand up from the chair I was in when I put them on, I was still pumped to get out and skate. We “practiced” going up and down the back alley until I got the hang of the back break thing. On roller skates the brake is a big blob on the front of the boot, on roller blades they put the brake on the back of whatever foot you feel comfortable having it on. You have to drag your foot behind you like some kind of idiot to stop yourself. It’s really not that easy.

Lance figured that I’ve got the brake thing understood and we decide to leave the safety of the back alley and head for the bike trails. We went down the back alley and when the alley reached the street it had this teeny tiny little hill. Well I went down this little hill like I was rocket propelled. All I really remember is screeching “I can’t stop!!!!!! I really can’t stop!!!!!! Lance!!!!!! I seriously can’t stop!!!!!!!!!” with my arms waving above my head like a panic struck psychotic dragging my brake foot behind me before lance tackled me like a football line backer and took me down about 2 feet before the street reached a busy road. I looked up and saw a truck roar past on the busy road and then I realized I would’ve been on the grill of that truck. I made an executive decision at that point to stop rollerblading for the day and we head back to his sisters house…the long skate back…the whole block and a half away. I managed to make it back to his sister’s house on the blades without falling down again partially because I walked on the grass and clung from tree to tree and partially out of sheer luck.

I ended up in the hospital with a minor concussion and Lance ended up in a panic stricken state. Come to think of it, that was the night that he said “I think I love you”…my reply to that? “Lemme know when you are sure” *lol* I haven’t been on the blades since. That was last June…or was it July? I dunno…I got a concussion, I am not supposed to remember *lol*

Fast forward to around September of last year. Lance was all excited about his “beer league” hockey league starting. He asks me if I have ever skated. I say “yea, I used to skate when I was a kid, it was fun. We went to Hawrelak park and always had hot chocolate when we were done” he says “cool, have you ever played hockey?” I say “yea, in elementary I was on the floor hockey team, we kicked ass, we won the championship!” he says “sounds fun. Do you want to play hockey with us?” I stop, vaguely remember the rollerblading incident, decide to ignore it, and say “yes! That would be so fun!”… fateful words…

The “boys” skates.

We instantly rush out to West Edmonton Mall buy skates. I got a pretty hot pair of “boys” skates. They felt good, I didn’t wobble around in them, my heels didn’t lift…the sales guy at Sports Check told me they were a perfect fit. I beamed at the sales guy and lance kissed my forehead and took them over to the skate sharpening booth to get them all ready. West Edmonton Mall has a skating rink in it. We were just going to go directly from the store to the ice rink. Lance tied my boots up for me at the rink and I hobbled over to the door in the boards. I stepped onto the ice and HOLY SHIT who put the rocking chairs under my freekin feet!?!?!? I only had one foot on the ice and I went down like a sumo wrestler. I hurt my butt. Everyone was looking at me and laughing.

West Edmonton Mall is a HUGE tourist attraction…all these Asian people come from all over these Asian countries to see this mall...I stood there and watched them cruise around the ice and thought “well gheesh, if they can do it so can I!”… bad bad thought process…but with that thought, I actually made it out the door this time and had BOTH feet on the ice…and no, the death grip I had on the boards doesn’t matter…Lance was skating around in circles waiting for me to move my feet and actually skate.

I push off. I land on my butt. I crawl back up the boards and push off again. I move a whole 3 inches. I push off again and glide another foot. At this point I am still clinging to the boards and Lance is still skating around in circles encouraging me. All the Asian’s are still zooming by me. I take one hand off the boards of the rink and decide “OK, I can do this!” and push off and away from the boards. I weebled and I wobbled, but I didn’t fall down!! Yay me!!! *lmao* I am about a foot away from the boards and I push off again and BAM!! I fall down and almost take out a little kid wearing a helmet. *sighs* I crawl back up the boards and push myself along them and make it half way around the rink to the hockey team players benches. I stumble head first into the benches and rub my butt and instantly start whining that my skates are too tight and they are hurting my feet. *smirks* a pretty good lie on the spot I thought!

At this point I think Lance was feeling a little sorry for me because he said “ok hon, I’m gonna skate around a bit, you loosen off your skates so your feet don’t hurt and then we’ll go around again”…like I had even made it around the rink once… I sat in the benches and watched Lance turned Wayne Gretzky zoom around the ice, dodging kids and Asian’s the whole way and thought “damn he’s good” and figured with the brilliant female logic “if he can be that good at it, I can be better” *sighs* and I hopped out of the players benches and onto the ice. Just a tip guys…DO NOT HOP ON ICE!!!!

Lance zooms back over to me, helps me up and kisses my forehead and then says “baby, you have to get to the other side of the rink if you want to stop skating.” I look at him like he’s some kind of alien who has taken the place of my kind hearted boyfriend who should offer to carry me across the ice and say “fine!” with that tone that says “it is SO not fine” and push off on my skates and amazingly I made it around the rest of the rink without falling again. I get back to the area where I started this skating nightmare and step off the ice and take a look at myself. My jeans are SOAKED. My hands are turning blue. I am just not a happy camper. Then I realize “dammit! I have to pee! “

The person that designed this skating rink really didn’t have a good idea. They put the bathrooms down about 50 stairs. Lance looks at me, looks at the stairs, looks back at me and says “please be careful.” I wonder if he was thinking that I was just gonna attempt to slide down the railing or something. Gheesh. I looked at lance and muttered “I CAN walk down stairs without falling ya know!” in that female snitty tone and started down the stairs…and then I fell. It was like doing a cart wheel with sharp pointy spears on. I took out an Asian guy coming up the stairs and we landed in a heap at the bottom of them. *sighs*

Lance runs down the stairs…my isn’t he clever? Not only can he stay upright on ice, he can run down stairs too!...and unfolds me from this poor man that I almost killed. I apologize to the guy and bolt to the bathroom. I held my butt up to the hand dryer so my jeans would dry off and I ran my hands under hot water so they wouldn’t look like I was dead anymore and came out of the bathroom. Lance was leaning against the wall, still in his skates, looking at me with that twinkly little smirk he gets when he’s trying really hard not to laugh and doesn’t say a word. He just grabs my hand, kisses my forehead and walks with me back up the stairs.

This is the point where I start whining that I need a toe pick to be able to skate. I start in with how “girl” skates are flat and “boys” skates are sharpened like they are rocking chairs. I actually had myself convinced that it was the skate’s fault that I couldn’t manage to stay upright. Needless to say, I didn’t play hockey in the beer league last year. I haven’t been on the “boys” skates since.

Fast forward to today. Lance’s hockey beer league starts tonight. He decided that he needed new skates because the skates he has are about 12 years old. Off to Sports Check we go…are you starting to notice that I really don’t make good decisions when I go to Sports Check?!?!!?... and while Lance is browsing in the “boys” skate department I venture over to where the “girl” skates are displayed and I see this super cute pair of “girl” skates with …ta da…a TOE PICK!! The answer to my prayers!! I try them on. The sales guy tells me they are a perfect fit. I was so proud of myself. Lance finds a pair of skates that he likes, I am super happy with my “girl” skates that come with these really super cute fuzzy skate protectors that match the boot of the skate and Lance is smart enough not to say a word. We buy our skates, get them sharpened, and leave Sports Check.

The “girls” skates with the toe picks and the super cute fuzzy skate protectors.

We go back to the West Ed Mall skating rink and I get into my skates. Lance re-laces them for me because I couldn’t get them tight enough and off we go. Remember, I seriously thought that because I have used “girl” skates my entire life that it would be like riding a bike. The other skates were bad because they didn’t have a toe pick…REALLY bad logic…I step onto the ice and am instantly attacked by a swarm of Asian people who weren’t any better on skates than I am. We all go down in this giant mass of twisted legs and arms and sharp pointy speared feet. Lance is still standing inside the boards, not on the ice yet, laughing his ass off. I glare at him from the bottom of the skating dog pile that I managed to create and he comes out in true rescue hero form and pulls me to my feet.

This time I managed to skate around the ice for about 20 minutes only holding onto the boards when the swarm of Asian people was zooming toward me again. I got brave and decided to try going up the middle of the ice, completely away from the boards, and away from the zooming Asians. I made it to the middle of the rink and then…well…I truly wish I knew exactly what went wrong, but I ended up doing this warped pirouette and I landed on my head. I looked like I was trying out for the figure skating team for the Special Olympics. I sit on the ice, Lance skates around me in circles desperately trying not to laugh. I am still sitting on the ice wondering how the hell I am going to stand up without the boards. This little girl skates by me in a frilly figure skating outfit, stops, looks at me, and decides that this is her perfect moment to attempt a double sow-cow jump. She landed on me. *sighs*

This little girl’s mother comes raring out of the “shoe’d” area onto the ice in her flip flop sandals screaming like some kind of lunatic. She gets about 5 feet away from me and then she slips. It was like watching a cartoon. Her feet went over her head, her butt hit the ice, and she came crashing into me and her little girl. At this point everyone that was walking around the mall, everyone that is skating on the rink, the employees, Lance…EVERYONE…was pointing and laughing. I am once again on the bottom of a dog pile and Lance is once again trying to disentangle me from the chaos.

I get on my feet, wrap my arms around Lance and he tows me to the “shoe’d” area and I get off the ice. I take off my “girl” skates, put my runners back on and just sit there. Lance is smart enough to not say a word. We come home, I peel off my soaking wet jeans and then Lance says “wow babe, nice bruises!” *sighs* It hurts to sit down. I may just get back on the “girl” skates. I didn’t do too badly on them. This time I was upright more than I was on my butt, that’s progress right??!!

I truly don’t know what keeps possessing me to buy things I can really hurt myself on. I keep making an ass out of myself. At least I am good entertainment.

Does anyone want to buy a pair of skates? They are all size 8. *lol*