Things To Achieve in 2007.

A--Accept
Accept others for who they are and for the choices they've made even if you have difficulty understanding their
beliefs, motives, or actions.

B--Break Away
Break away from everything that stands in the way of what you hope to accomplish with your life.

C--Create
Create a family of friends whom you can share your hopes, dreams, sorrows, and happiness with.

D--Decide
Decide that you'll be successful and happy come what may, and good things will find you. The roadblocks are only minor obstacles along the way.

E--Explore
Explore and experiment. The world has much to offer, and you have much to give. And every time you try something new, you'll learn more about yourself.

F--Forgive
Forgive and forget. Grudges only weigh you down and inspire unhappiness and grief. Soar above it, and remember that everyone makes mistakes.

G--Grow
Leave the childhood monsters behind. They can no longer hurt you or stand in your way.

H--Hope
Hope for the best and never forget that anything is possible as long as you remain dedicated to the task.

I--Ignore
Ignore the negative voice inside your head. Focus instead on your goals and remember your accomplishments. Your past success is only a small inkling of what the future holds.

J--Journey
Journey to new worlds, new possibilities, by remaining open-minded. Try to learn something new every day, and you'll grow.

K--Know
Know that no matter how bad things seem, they'll always get better. The warmth of spring always follows the harshest winter.

L--Love
Let love fill your heart instead of hate. When hate is in your heart, there's room for nothing else, but when love is in your heart, there's room for endless happiness.

M--Manage
Manage your time and your expenses wisely, and you'll suffer less stress and worry. Then you'll be able to focus on the important things in life.

N--Notice
Never ignore the poor, infirm, helpless, weak, or suffering. Offer your assistance when possible, and always your kindness and understanding.

O--Open
Open your eyes and take in all the beauty around you. Even during the worst of times, there's still much to be thankful for.

P--Play
Never forget to have fun along the way. Success means nothing without happiness.

Q--Question
Ask many questions, because you're here to learn.

R--Relax
Refuse to let worry and stress rule your life, and remember that things always have a way of working out in the end.

S--Share
Share your talent, skills, knowledge, and time with others. Everything that you invest in others will return to you many times over.

T--Try
Even when your dreams seem impossible to reach, try anyway. You'll be amazed by what you can accomplish.

U--Use
Use your gifts to your best ability. Talent that's wasted has no value. Talent that's used will bring unexpected rewards.

V--Value
Value the friends and family members who've supported and encouraged you, and be there for them as well.

W--Work
Work hard every day to be the best person you can be, but never feel guilty if you fall short of your goals. Every sunrise offers a second chance.

X--X-Ray
Look deep inside the hearts of those around you and you'll see the goodness and beauty within.

Y--Yield
Yield to commitment. If you stay on track and remain dedicated, you'll find success at the end of the road.

Z--Zoom
Zoom to a happy place when bad memories or sorrow rears its ugly head. Let nothing interfere with your goals. Instead, focus on your abilities, your dreams, and a brighter tomorrow.

I hope you all have a wonderful New Years Eve and that your 2007 will be filled with light and love.


With love from me & mine, to you & yours.

What I have learned in 2006.

I’ve been trying to assimilate all of the knowledge I have gained over the past 12 months into something coherent and useful for me but I keep spinning. I have no idea where to start…I’ve decided to make it easier on myself. So, in no particular order…

What I have learned in 2006.

I learned a brand new way to think this year. Instead of catastrophic thinking, I actually learned how to assess, work through, evaluate and grow all on my own. I no longer need (or seek) outside sources to tell me what to be, how to be, what’s important, what’s valuable…nothing. I am now able to fully rely upon myself and while it feels foreign, I also feel a supreme sense of accomplishment.

I learned how to be kinder to myself. I did not realize how hard I was on myself and those around me. I have been able to become more honest with myself and those around me. While my view point is not always understood or respected, I am able to now express myself in ways that enable me to be heard. I no longer beat myself up about things that ultimately, are completely out of my control. I have learned that if I can’t fix it, save it, help it, or control it I just shouldn’t worry about it. Life has a wonderful way of balancing out.

I have learned how to “talk to myself” in ways that are healthy. Instead of doing the “dammit Kris, that was really fucking stupid, you total moron” routine in my brain I am now able to recognize almost instantly when I have made a decision that is going to have negative impact on me and change my course accordingly. I didn’t realize how much life requires minute adjustments. Making the changes that are necessary to change the impact on me has reaffirmed my self confidence.

I learned to take some time out for ME. I finally recognized how valuable time away from everything and everyone is. I can read, meditate, cross stitch, watch a movie, go for a walk, swim, get a pedicure…really anything that involves me doing things I enjoy, and feeling no guilt for doing them.

I have learned to value exercise. Working out and swimming is almost a spiritual event for me now. I am able to separate from “reality” and just immerse myself in action and sweat and allow my brain to go wherever it wishes. I’ve lost almost 40+ pounds since I started my “get active” routine and that definitely helps my self esteem and drive to continue.

I have learned to value introspection and to not be afraid of what the outcome of it will be. I used to think ‘what will I be IF I get past “this” or IF I get over “that”’ and now I am less concerned with the outcome and more concerned with the journey. I am no longer afraid of what I will BE when I let go of the things that are unhealthy, unproductive, or self sabotaging.

I have learned appreciation for the things the people in my life give me. If viewed from a healthy perspective everything is a gift. “You have let your resentment over shadow your gratitude.” When Noel said those words to me I felt like I had slid into a black hole. I pulled myself out of it though. Recognizing that I was just too angry and that I was intentionally throwing out or disregarded everything good and worthwhile people taught me, gave me, or showed me was an epiphany. I also learned how to fill my emptiness with worthwhile and valuable things.

I have learned forgiveness without understanding. This was one of the hardest things for me to tolerate out of all the growth I have done this year. Forgiving myself for all of the things that I know I have done incorrectly or with ill intentions has been harder than I ever thought it could be. This is still one of the most valuable things I learned this year though, because I now have a way to measure my thoughts/feelings about myself. I may not always understand WHY I did something but I am able to quit beating myself up about it.

I have learned that acceptance does not always mean understanding. I finally closed the chapter on my rape this year. I finally said all the things I have ever wanted to say, I worked though the mirage of different emotions surrounding it, and I have effectively moved past it. To heal I had to accept that the event happened, regardless of the fact that I will never understand why.

I have learned that understanding is not paramount to moving on, letting go, and ultimate happiness. This was a supreme effort for me. I am a person that inherently needs to understand everything. I used to focus so much on the problem that the solution could never be seen. In figuring out how to take a step back from the situation to analyze it I am finally able to see solutions and make healthy decisions accordingly. I am still working at becoming comfortable with the knowledge that not everything is going to make sense all of the time and that I can still accept those things.

I have learned ALL about loss. I have walked the thin line between enormous rage and un-sufferable grief for almost a year now. I am now somewhat able to treasure my memories of my Boyz and feel comfort and peace knowing that they are never truly that far away from me. I did not realize how much work I did on loss until my grandpa passed away Dec 5^th and I was able to go through the process of grieving without getting buried underneath it. I know that I now have the tools in place to effectively deal with painful things that are going to happen in life, for that I am so grateful.

I have learned that moving past something does not mean that you will never revisit that thing and feel some of the emotions you worked through. I am a very black and white type of person. Shades of grey rarely exist for long in my life. I naively assumed that once I had worked through something and found some inner peace with it that I would no longer have to think about that thing. Life doesn’t work that way.

I have learned about unhealthy attachments this year. “Christine, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” When Brennan said that to me I wanted to knock his block off. I was SO angry. I kept working through it though, and realized that the quality of attachments I form and the type of person/personality I form them with are such that I lose all personal responsibility and control. I made sure I had someone to blame if it all fell apart. I am now taking full responsibility of every relationship I establish.

I have learned what it feels like to be BROKEN. Anyone that knows me knows I protect the people that I love. In the past, I was not kind about it. I was not subtle about it. I would get right in your face and break you down until there was nothing left of you. I enjoyed it. I thrived on it…Until I learned what its like to have your soul ripped out and shoved down your throat. I learned what it’s like hearing words that intentionally hurt. Once upon a time, I gave up every shred of personal power and control I might’ve had and handed it ALL over without question. I used to make my friends my unqualified unwilling guides in my life. Taking back my personal power and establishing boundaries with people in my life has been a continuing challenge, but it is one I am making progress on and I feel happy with.

I have learned what it feels like to be HAPPY. Happiness always struck me as such a simple thing, yet I have never been able to attain it in its true form. Simple things never mattered to me. I am now able to recognize that life is ALL about the little things. It is kindness shown in a mirage of different ways. I am now making an effort to “put out” what I want to receive. Some days it’s a challenge, especially when I go into chat *smirks*, but on the whole, I think I am doing MUCH better than I was a year ago.

I have learned what it feels like to LOVE and be loved. This has been a really rough year on Lance & I. Somehow we have managed to come through it stronger, healthier, and happier. I am so grateful for my partner, lover, and best friend. We work on our relationship daily. We talk about everything under the sun all the time. We know exactly where the other stands in life, in our relationship, in our jobs, in everything. The closeness I feel to him and the true amount of caring and affection I feel for him is indesribable. I wish everyone could experience this type of love at least once in their lives.

I have learned how to healthily interact with people without manipulation, guilt, and mind games. I am now forming strong and true attachments with the people that matter to me, instead of trying to be someone to everyone. Realizing that no matter how hard I tried I was always going to let someone down enabled me to simply walk away from that whole game. I am now someone to the people that are somebody’s to me. The feeling of knowing that I have some REAL friendships that I can rely and depend on is priceless.

I have learned the true power of just LETTING GO. I have “let go” of a lot of things this year. Harmful people and things are no longer welcome in my life. I now search for (and mostly find) tranquility in different every day places. I feel peaceful when I am curled up in Lance’s arms. I feel happy when I am walking my puppy. I feel content with who I am, where I am going, and how I am getting there. I am truly starting to enjoy the journey of life now.

I wouldn’t wish the year I have had on anyone. Those of you that have been reading my blog since its conception know exactly what I am talking about, those of you that haven’t, well, lets just say that it’s been a rough one. While I wouldn’t wish this year on anyone, I would highly recommend everyone experience it at least once in their lives. I have never learned so much. At the end of the day, I am grateful.

If..

IF ...

If I could choose the music at my own funeral, I would choose: Louie Armstrong – What a wonderful world; Chantal Kreviazuk – Say goodnight, not goodbye; Jesse Cook – Virtue; Rufus Wainwright – Hallelujah; Warren Zevon – Keep me in your heart.

If I had to name my single worst fear, it would be: A house fire. I am completely neurotic about fire. I have FIVE fire proof safes with everything valuable and un-replaceable stored inside them. Sometimes it makes showing my friends and family the latest pictures in our photo album a challenge, but hey! At least I know if anything happened the things that I place worth and value in are protected.

If I had to describe the single worst thing a friend can do, it would have to be: The worst thing I can think of a friend doing to me would be pity me. Random strangers are allowed pity. Friends are supposed to get in the mud and muck with you and help you out of whatever situation you may find yourself in. Pity strikes me as a lack of empathy and understanding. If my friends don’t understand me, or care to, they aren’t around me very long.

If I could eliminate, forever, one cause of death on Earth, I would choose: Genocide. I could easily pick MS because my sister is suffering so dearly at the hands of it, but ultimately I believe that a disease such as MS, cancer, etc. is nature taking its very painful unintelligible un-logical course. In genocide it is a man making that choice to inflict the end of many lives for very painful unintelligible un-logical reasons.

If I had the opportunity to eliminate one odor from the Earth, it would be: Barf!!! Can the retching noise go with it too??

If I was to select a food that best describes my character, I would choose: Devils Food Chocolate *grinz* do I really need to explain that?

If I could teach my children only one lesson in life, I would teach them to always: have a vision about their lives and the direction they wish them to go. Visions incur dreams, which incur motivation and drive. Those things equal success in personal and professional realms.

If I had to be a member of another family I know, I would choose to join: None. Every family – even the ones that look perfect on the outside – are all screwed up somewhere. I’ll stick to the chaos that I know.

If I had to choose the single greatest work of art in history, whether picture, piece of music, book, play, or film, I would choose: Music….Mozart’s Eine Kleine Nachtmusik allegro. Everyone knows the song, even if they don’t recognize the title. It brings out the inner-conductor in everyone.



~ Mozart’s Eine Kleine Nachtmusik allegro; Sorry the video is of strangers on a boat, but it was the only video I could find of the song *lol*~

If I had to describe my idea of the perfect mate, I would say: Lance. He is a wonderfully balanced secure and healthy person. He completes me. (To steal a cheesy line from Tom Cruise)

If I could go back to any age and start a different life, I would choose: To be 12 years old and re-do every decision I made from that time frame on. I would hold myself accountable to my vision and my dreams.

If I could only keep one home appliance, I would choose to keep the: Refrigerator. I could learn to wash by hand, cook over a fire, etc. but I so do not want to figure out how to store food with an ice block.

If I were to be reincarnated as an animal, I would choose to be returned as a: house cat. My Pandora has THE life. She is the queen; we all exist to make sure she is sufficiently spoiled.

If I could ask a single question of a dead relative, I would ask: Why my Grandpa threw out all of his medals, uniforms, and pictures from WW2. He spent his life telling me stories about the war but also told me that he wanted nothing to remain of his time in it. I would like to understand his internal conflict.

If I had to choose a musical instrument that best matched my character, I would choose the: Guitar, preferably the Spanish Guitar. You can make them sing the sweetest of songs, or scream the bitterest of pain. Other instruments can join them, or they can stand alone.

If I could be anyone in history for one day, I would choose to be: Hitler. I would love to know what truly made him tick. I search for understanding in all places…likely I would still be as confused as I am today about his whole regime, but at least then I could say I tried.

If I had to choose the best television show ever made, I would choose: MASH.

If I could choose one new symbol for our family crest, I would choose a: Raguly line – which indicates that difficulties have been encountered, but I would chose to have it in green. Green indicates Hope, joy, loyalty and love. I would also add a butterfly which indicates soul.

If I could change one thing about my life, I would: have a Doctorate in Archeology.

If I had to confess to one crime I have already committed, I would confess to: Speeding.

If I had to choose, from what I own right now, what clothes to be buried in, I would choose: My white chords, Brown fitted shirt, and hounds tooth blazer with my spiky heeled pointy toed boots.

If I could be on the cover of any magazine next month, I would choose to be on the cover of: Home and Garden, because that would mean that I actually had a freekin clue about how to plant flowers. *lol*

If everything in the world had to have the same odor, I would want it to smell like: Nothing. If everything smelt the same day in and day out I wouldn’t want to smell anything.

If I had to name the job I would absolutely hate the most, it would be: sewage, garbage removal…really… anything with an over powering smell.

If I had to go out tonight to be tattooed, I would choose a: ½ moon with stars and the Kanji symbol for DREAM.

If I had to name the most important invention in history, I would choose: Penicillin. Our entire medical history and ability for advancement changed the day that Alexander Flemming invented penicillin.

If I had to change my race, I would choose to be: Indian…as in from India. I’ve polled friends, and searched google and I have no idea what people from India call themselves, but they are some of the most spiritually enlightened people in the world and I would love to learn from them.

If I could accomplish only one thing in the rest of my life, I would choose to: Travel the world and learn as much about different cultures as possible.

If I could break one current world sports or Guinness Book of World Records mark, I would: be on record for winning the worlds largest ever lottery. *grinz*

If my plane was about to crash and I had time to write one quick note, I would write to: My loved ones.

If I could change one thing that would make life easier for my own gender, I would change: how women view physical beauty.

If I had to sacrifice my own life for one thing, I would choose that thing to be: The lives of my family.

If I could recover one thing that I've lost in my lifetime, it would be: My compassion as a whole. I have retained compassion for certain people and things, but I find that it is selective now rather than encompassing.

If I could spend one year looking for one thing in the world, I would look for: Archeological dig in Machu Picchu. Whatever I found would just be a bonus to living on top of that gorgeous mountain for a year.

If I had to choose the single biggest mistake I have made in my life so far, it would be: not applying myself through school to reach my dreams.

If I had to name the stupidest purchase I ever made, I would choose: Those 5 inch spike strapy sandals that I CANNOT walk in. WHAT was I thinking!??!!?

If I learned tomorrow that I was to be permanently exiled from my country and that I could take just three things with me, those things would be: Lance. Money. Passport.

If I were to be cremated, I would want my ashes: spread through Maligne Canyon and The Rock.

If I had to pick the most difficult question I could be asked, it would be: Why did you give up on yourself?

IF any of you want a real challenge, attempt to fill out these questions....99% of these things I have never thought of...It was interesting to do.

I Refuse

~Marilyn Manson - (S)aint~

I refuse to be defined by one very small part of who I am as a whole.

I refuse to be defined by my sexual preferences.

I refuse to be defined by what someone else on my household appliance tells me is acceptable or unacceptable behavior.

I refuse to live my life according to what a website states is the appropriate way to live.

I confuse many people, annoy many others, and exasperate the rest of them.



I question what I believe to be insincere, inaccurate, misleading, or simply fantasy fabricated bullshit.

I challenge people who play games with themselves and with others. I challenge ideas, thoughts, view points, and beliefs because that is I how learn about MY life. It is how I learn to better MYSELF. I am not here to save the world. I am here to save myself. Selfish? Most definitely. Realistic? Most definitely.

I have a voice that I am not afraid to use.

I have an opinion that I am not afraid to state.

I have viewpoints that may conflict when examined as a whole instead of individually.

I do not claim to have all the answers or know everything, but I do have a healthy dose of common sense mixed with an above average intelligence that I rely upon.

I don’t understand people who cannot conduct themselves in a similar manner.

I truly don’t understand how people can become so wrapped up in something that is ultimately such a small part of them as a whole. Whether you want to be spanked, or do the spanking, ultimately you will only spend ONE percent of your life doing either of those things. Regardless of the “role” you identify with, I don’t understand why (or how) it can take over your entire life and become the only thing you are able to discuss or show any interest in.

WHY do people waste such a large amount of time proclaiming to be “this” or being so wrapped up in becoming “that” yet spend absolutely NO time in actually establishing who they truly are as a complete person? The only thing most of the people I have observed over the past few years are encouraged to grow past is their inhibitions. The girls with morals and common sense are pushed to become something they aren’t comfortable with because that is now accepted as the “standard behavior” and if you aren’t at least standard with every other submissive that means you certainly cannot be a part of this lifestyle. *rolls my eyes* When did it become acceptable to forgo emotional individual growth? when did it become acceptable to only feel release and closure of emotional pain through physical pain? What does that teach?

I don’t understand why my lifestyle choice has suddenly been taken over by the internet and all the many different elaborate fabrications of its roots. What do you think the Old Guard originating BDSM members did in the 1940’s and 1950’s when there were NO computers? They established a simple code of honor, ethics, credibility, responsibility, and maintainability. They did not run rampant through chat rooms getting collared to anything with a Dominant ID. They also held the members in their community accountable for their actions. Disrespect and misbehavior was dealt with accordingly. Dominants were labeled as such by the Dominants of the community, NOT by the submissives in attendance. As a Dominant you were not ALLOWED to “claim” anyone as “yours” until the Dominant community recognized you as able and healthy. As a submissive you were not allowed to approach a Dominant and seek attention unless you were specifically requested to do so from the Dominant. There was structure and guidelines. When did that change?

It seems to me that nothing within my lifestyle choice is credible anymore. I spend virtually no energy discussing my relationship within the lifestyle barriers because many of the people that I am trying to relate with have absolutely no knowledge of what living within this lifestyle full time 24/7 actually means. I have many friends on the internet that are involved in relationships with someone else online and while I am happy that they have found their one and that their relationships are flourishing I feel like I do not have the same issues they do. I can’t listen to their issues about missing their partners and then turn around and complain that I would love to have the simple ability TO miss mine. That strikes me as slapping someone across the face. Many of my friends would give almost anything they had to be able to have the ability to be with their chosen partners 24/7. I won’t insult them by stating that sometimes I wished I could be without mine.

When I first found “BDSM” online I was quite enamored with the whole idea. This was a forum for every kinky twisted pain seeking person in the world to join and discuss the similar situations and feelings we often find ourselves dealing with. It was a forum for discussion, learning, evolving, and growing. There has always been drama, players, and gossip, but as a whole I felt like I was part of something that was sincere and real. I now go into chat and simply watch with undisguised horrified amusement as all these emotionally broken attention seeking whore’s and these abusive inane power hungry men come together to form this elaborate heaping disaster.

I have watched this one twit collar herself and un-collar herself no less than 4 times this fall. Yes, FOUR months, FOUR men. I have watched the people in this chat room encourage and support her self destruction. I have watched her play her games and I have watched her get truly viscious to anyone that has the balls to tell her she is acting like a moron. When she isnt collared she is hell on wheels, when she is collared she puts on the front that she is the worlds best trained submissive. I truly don’t understand why all of that is acceptable and condonable behavior.

I recently joined a D/s discussion group that I thought was going to be about the challenges, concerns, questions, and other issues that come up within BDSM relationships. It is led by a couple who is, by all appearances, happy and committed while being involved 24/7. Instead it has become about the idiosyncrasies involved in the chat room. I have taken ALOT of flack from people who must really think themselves quite important because I had the balls to question the realitive functionality of the created forum.

I truly don’t understand why people waste so much time, energy and emotion on their household appliances. HOW can you allow yourself to become so invested in something that should ultimately be a hobby. I can guarantee you that 99% of my fellow “BDSM Community” are NOT in positions of authority (or adversely, they are NOT in positions of meekness and unquestioning acceptability) all day every day all the time. Everyone has a boss, everyone has rules and structure to follow and everyone has opinions and view points requested from them. Everyone has learned how to function (I hope…) in the reality of life. WHY is it acceptable to simply “turn off” reality and enter a chat room where real people with real feelings are going to get hurt?

The internet doesn’t teach people HOW to have relationships. It doesn’t teach people HOW to attract healthy, similar minded, motivated, encouraging people. All we have in chat rooms today is a bunch of seriously fucked up individuals feeding off of each others inadequacies, and now we have a forum to encourage them all to bolster their warped self images. How is that supposed to breed happiness and self value?

Part of the foundation of my lifestyle choice is tolerance. Everyone is going to enjoy different things. Everyone is going to react differently to the same stimuli. Am I becoming too jaded? Or am I right to no longer find the tolerance to deal with the complete breakdown of everything I respect and hold dear about my lifestyle choice?

Back By Popular Demand!! *lol*

People that go through the drive-thru at fast food restaurants and take FOREVER to order really irritate the hell out of me. HELLOOOOO! Everyone on this planet has been to a McD's at some point in their life. The menu has NOT changed in the past 15+ years...so what's the problem?!?!?! Before you get in the drive-thru line, please have SOME idea of what you're going to order. There's a reason it's called fast food. If you want 15 minutes to order, then go to a restaurant. Don’t even get me started on the drive thru at KFC’s. That eatery needs a 2 lane drive-thru…one for people that want to take 20 minutes to decide on exactly how many arteries they want to clog and one for people that already know and don’t want to wait another 20 minutes before attempting it.

People that walk 3/4 wide down a hallway and then act like YOU'RE the one in the way really irritate the hell out of me. I mean really!! The hallway is wide enough for 2 trolley carts to race down it (don’t ask me how I know that *grinz*) and suddenly it isn’t wide enough for two people to walk down in opposite directions? Oh hell no. Pissed off co worker meets wide hall walker in an Office Boxing Match…Get your tickets today!!!! Is there anything we can do to clue these idiots in to the fact that WE ARE TIRED of being walked into the wall mounted hand sanitizers, fire alarms, bulletin boards and other random hallway things just so they can have the luxury of feeling like a Mac Truck!?!?

People that you let into traffic and DO NOT wave “thank you” really irritate the hell out of me. I was nice enough to let you into traffic from the pit stop strip mall you just HAD to go buy something at in the middle of rush hour traffic. I could’ve let you just sit there for the next 10 minutes until someone else decided to take pity on you. Show some appreciation you jerks!

People that go power-hungry in positions of authority really irritate the hell out of me. Yesterday I took a walk at lunch so I could buy myself a sub. The order: a 6-inch club on wheat. As my sandwich was shaping up quite nicely on the other side of the spot-free sneeze guard the craziest thing happened. The most diligent assistant manager (DAM) in the history of diligent assistant managers happened by. Stopping dead in her tracks, the DAM spun on her heels, made a beeline to where my smartly-dressed, courteous sandwich builder was honing her craft and proceeded to lift the top off my now completed sub. My first thought was maybe the DAM is simply making sure my sub is up to company standards, but that wasn't the case at all. The DAM lifted the lettuce, tomatoes, pickles and green peppers off the lower bun and began counting the slices of processed meat.

This wasn't about me at all.

This was a sandwich audit. Angry with the results of the sandwich audit, the DAM yanked one single slice of processed turkey off my sandwich and slammed it back into the bin with its heavily processed turkey brothers and sisters while muttering angry words to my now embarrassed sandwich builder.

Unbelievable.

Even if today’s sandwich audit had been to ensure this glorious little 6-incher was up to my not-real-high sandwich standards, I would have been bothered by the DAM violating my sandwich in front of me. But, like I said, today’s sandwich audit wasn’t about me at all. It was about the company. And really, is one slice of meat so valuable that it’s worth embarrassing an employee over in front of a lunch time crowd? More importantly, is one slice of meat so valuable that creating an awkward moment for a paying customer is the only solution?

[HAPPY INTERMISSION MUSIC AS CHRISTINE REGAINS HER COMPOSURE]

[SORRY YOU’VE GOT TO HUM YOUR OWN ELEVATOR MUSIC WHILE YOU WAIT]

People who work as Telemarketers really irritate the hell out of me. Sure that sounds harsh but I can no longer mask my true feelings when it comes to unnecessary interruptions on the telephone while I'm busy trying to enjoy my free time at home. Family? Friend? Acquaintance? Phone me, that's perfectly fine, but when it comes to telemarketers I have officially been pushed to the very brink. I am now perched in the mental clock tower, sweat beading down my forehead, trigger finger twitching. An over-the-hill cop just days from retirement who is “getting too old for this” is dressed in an ill-fitting suit, tie loosened, and is now attempting to reason with me but I’m too far gone.

Click…

For the past two weeks I have received no less than 12 calls from (***)***-****. If that's not annoying enough, when I pick up the phone and answer, there is nothing there. Perhaps they're using an auto-dialer and a convict…err…I mean, a fine, upstanding, courteous telemarketer… who will be on the line any moment now, but still nothing. I've even waited on the line barking, "Hello? HELLO!? HELLO?!!?!?!?!?" into the phone for 3 minutes waiting for something, somebody, ANYONE to give me the slightest clue why they’re phoning me over and over and over again. Holy crap.

In this day and age when government at all levels is spending hundreds of millions of dollars to ensure we all have our privacy, why are unsolicited phone calls still legal? And you can’t tell me this has nothing to do with privacy. My phone is in my home—my private space - so you can see that this does, in fact, have everything to do with privacy. I have a phone for my convenience and enjoyment NOT so I can be hounded on a daily basis by God knows who selling God knows what. I pay my phone bill, on time, every month so I can enjoy the benefits of being connected to the outside world when I see fit and not so you can call me, say, 12 times in two weeks to have me scrambling for the phone so I can enjoy the silence on the other end of the line. For God’s sake, I was enjoying the silence WITHOUT having to sprint through the house looking for the phone.

Now there are going to be those lovers of telemarketing that say things like, “Well, just don’t pick up if you don’t recognize the number.” That’s bullshit. Picking up is the easy part. The hard part is running in from the garage or having a pleasant conversation with my neighbor cut short because you want to inform me that I’ve been pre-approved for a Platinum whatever card with just 23% interest or you want to review my telephone features for the seventh time this year. You know what? I do want to review my telephone features and I want the one that sends 50,000 volts down the phone line whenever the words, “Could I please speak to Christine *****” come out of the person’s mouth at the other end of the line.

I don’t want to hear any of the bullshit solutions or reasons for telemarketing because I simply don’t care. Don’t answer your phone, ask them to remove you from their call list, they’re just trying to make a living, that’s how they fundraise, get rid of your phone, etc., that’s all crap. The only real solution is to make telemarketing illegal and not by means of some doomed-to-fail national Do Not Call List. That will never work because there is no international law to prosecute companies that choose to call me from outside the country. How about a DO Call List? When I feel I’m ready to be hounded in the middle of sleeping, reading, clogging, meditating, crying or watching TV, I’ll let you know. Until then, piss off.

Oh yeah, Primus Canada called me today--from Baltimore, Maryland. You know, in the USA.

People that believe that the McDonalds campaign is REAL really irritate the hell out of me. You know the campaign I am talking about…”At McDonalds we take care of our employee’s” and then there is a statement saying “Ben Franklin, Suzie Mitchell wants you to ask her out” or whatever. Well, today on the way home this complete moron went OFF about this poster that said “Jada Carlson, once again, your locker combination is 12 24 36.” This raging idiot actually thought this advertisement was real and she wanted to get in touch with this oh so wronged employee and convince her to SUE McDonalds because her safety and well being has been compromised. Lord help us all if this chick ever procreates.

People that misrepresent themselves really irritate the hell out of me. The other day while driving I pulled up near a locksmith van with the words Lock Surgeon emblazoned down both sides. At first I thought nothing of it, but then I started thinking about how offended I would be if I had spent 10+ years at university training to become an actual surgeon while this gentleman in the dilapidated van bills himself a “surgeon” with four weeks of part-time study in the locksmith program down at the community college. And what about the guy in the ill-fitting dress shirt and greasy tie with the vacuum that calls himself the Rug Doctor? I hardly doubt the Lock Surgeon and the Rug Doctor are playing golf every Wednesday afternoon down at the country club.

I don’t want to downplay the importance of noble professions such as locksmithing and cleaning puke and blood stains out of carpet, but perhaps the title of doctor and surgeon should be left to those with a minimum of medical school, or at least a doctorate.

There is far too much misrepresentation is today’s world. Not just lock “surgeons” and rug “doctors”, but what about Liquid Plumber? If I were a plumber I would find it tremendously insulting that a liquid—a liquid that I am all but certain did NOT spend four years going to school and apprenticing—would have the balls to call himself a plumber. Let’s see your ticket, Liquid Plumber. Let’s see your ticket. That’s right, you don’t have one. You’re Liquid Handyman at best.

People that state “I have a life outside of the chat room” and then proceed to spend their entire lives talking about the chat room really irritate the hell out of me. I mean really!! How hard is it to get off your ass, move away from your keyboard and actually go DO something with your life??!?! Maybe you could pay attention to the children that you spend all your time in chat bitching about. Maybe you could go to the gym and actually lose some of the weight you are constantly complaining about. Maybe you could make a DR’s appointment and determine once and for all why you are consistently on your death bed. Maybe you could take up a hobby and find some fulfillment and satisfaction and self worth outside of the chat room and away from the random strangers who feed into your narcissistic “woe is me, I am such a victim” routine by telling you what a delightful cam whore or what an amazing 1-900 phone slut you are. Maybe, just maybe, you could actually HAVE a life instead of just pretending to.

Wow…*laughs* Today’s entry wasn’t supposed to go QUITE in this direction…but it was fun! I highly recommend it! What a feeling of absolute bliss to whine about the irritating things that people do to drive you insane that you are always “too polite to comment on” when the moment actually happens.

Maybe that’s a tactic…screw being “too polite”…maybe we should all just say “hey! You’re being an ass because…” and then they would be the ones all worked up about their stupid behavior, not us.

*grinz evilly and rubs my hands together* that just might work

To Watch Them Come

I’ve spent the majority of the past year reflecting, healing, lashing out, drawing away, embracing, and changing. It has been a year of happiness, stress, heartbreak, and unimaginable experiences.

I once heard life compared to a bull fight. Anyone who has ever been to Mexico (or Spain) and has seen a Matador in a ring with a bull will understand why. It is a wonderfully terrifying experience, not to mention embarrassing.

When I was around 15 years old my family and I went to the Plaza de Toros in Mexico City. Experiencing in public the fear and blood and death and the mad energy of the crowd was too close to images of terror and loathing I had concealed in my nightmares and fantasies.

This powerful experience has kept me attached to bullfighting over the years, though I have never again been to a live event. It is not that I like bullfighting as such, but it is the clearest metaphor I have in my mind for dealing with the dark, dangerous demon of death that runs loose in the arena of my mind from time to time.

With experience and practice, one may increase the odds in favor of triumphing over the bull. I respect the bull. I know that even the best Matadors come close to death. And sometimes – sometimes – the bull wins.

My bull is the beast of self destruction. I know he’s in there, always. As I progress through my life and become more adept at conquering him, I am at the top of my form as a Matador. I am confident in the presence of the bull.

This confidence is called ver llegar in the ring. It means “To watch them come.” It is the ability to plant your feet exactly so – to hold your ground and see calmly, as in slow motion, the charge of the bull, knowing that you have what it takes to maneuver the bull safely by. This is dynamic stability. Standing still is one of the steps in dancing, as moments of silence are part of music. Confidence lies in the stillness. It is the confidence that comes from many passes and many fights – you can control the bull and defeat it because you have done it before.

My bull comes at me when I have succumbed to examining my life with a microscope. Little mites become dragons under the lens, and fear makes me weak. Or the bull comes when I am hurriedly trying to collect and carry all the baggage of my life and haul it up the spiral staircase to nowhere, and I despair of the absurdity of my life. The bull comes then because he thinks I welcome him as a kind of solution.

I know him now. I can smell him, sense him before he moves. I welcome him. Yah, Toro, come on. I plant my feet and watch him come. He charges. I pass him safely with a swing of the cape of my confidence. The crowd in my head roars. OLẺ! – they are pulling for me - OLẺ! OLẺ! OLẺ!

There is always silence when the bull is defeated. I find comfort in the stillness.