Confusion

I normally don’t go for the dark stuff on my page but for some reason this just needed to be written. I’ve learned not to argue with myself.


Confusion

It is such a simple word.

Picture yourself standing in the desert.
Not another soul around as far as the eye can see... not even a cactus can be seen. Nothing around but you... the sand hitting your legs as the wind swirls around you. You turn around slowly... looking in every direction... not even a lizard is visible scurrying about. You call out... and can't even hear your own voice echo.
This is nothing compared to the loneliness that hovers over my head... threatening to smother me.

You're standing on a deserted street. All of a sudden, you hear a thundering noise behind you. Turning to look, you see off in the distance huge clouds of dirt flying up in the air... getting closer. Turning back around, you see the same clouds of dirt flying high in front of you... turning you look to both sides. Looking for some means of escape... sensing the coming danger... You try the doors of the buildings blocking your escape. Beginning to panic... you realize that all the doors are locked... as if the other people knew what was coming.
Running from one side of the road to the other... you frantically try to climb the posts... but keep sliding back down... the thundering beginning to vibrate your chest as you hyperventilate. Trying desperately to find some way to avoid the quickly approaching destruction, the thought that there is no way out drags a scream from the depths of your soul.

This is nothing compared to the desperation that pulses through me more every day.

You're lying in your nice warm bed sleeping... startled from your sleep, you sit up and listen, trying to figure out what woke you. In the still night, from the comforting silence, you hear a crash down the hall. Reaching to the side of your bed for your cell phone, you realize that you left it out there. No phone to call the police with... you slip silently from the bed to try and open the window. Cursing yourself for painting it shut last summer, you look around for something to use as a weapon against the unknown intruder. Seeing nothing... you look at the door and wait. Nowhere to hide... no way to get out... nothing to defend yourself with but your body... against this person who is slowly twisting the door knob from the outside...
This is nothing compared to the fear that consumes me more with every blink of my eyes.

You stand in your living room... your heart pounding in your chest. The little voice in your head screaming "NO! What if they see you? They'll stare and talk about you!" Sweat begins to bead on your brow. "Look at yourself!!
If you stay inside they'll leave you alone!! They can't talk about you if they can't see you!!" You hear children laughing outside and your mind immediately tells you that they're laughing at you. You back away from the dark curtains as just the thought makes your heart dance in your throat... your breath quicken. Thinking to yourself how horrible you are, as you begin to hyperventilate, no one wants to see anyone like you. You deserve this confinement.
This self hatred is nothing compared to the self-deprecating remarks that go through my head when I think of some of the mistakes I've made.

You're standing... looking at the one you love more than life itself. The one you have given your all to. You are listening to his avowals of love and faithfulness. A nagging question in your mind, you take off the blinders that love placed on you years ago... and see him for what he truly is... hear the truth behind his words. Slowly, you watch as his demeanor changes. The love he has proclaimed disappears from his eyes. One after another, the lies spew from his lips as his perfidy exudes from his very pores. You see the darkness... the total indifference take him over right before your eyes.
This is nothing compared to the feeling of betrayal that festers more inside me, slowly taking me over... with every day that you are gone.

You heft a heavy object and heave it at the wall. It crashes into a million pieces as you reach for something else. In thundering fury, you race around unable to stand still... pushing things over... throwing things... smashing them as tears of unadulterated wrath flow copiously down your crimson cheeks. Your fists clenching repeatedly... your breath quickens as the red haze of rage steals over your eyes.

This anger is nothing compared to the unmitigated ire that boils in my veins every time I recall how simply you walked away.

A strange face stares blankly back at you from this thing they call a mirror. The face tells you nothing about itself... it just stares at you with huge, empty eyes. Are you a wife? Are you a mother? Do you have a mother? A father? Sisters? Brothers? Friends? A career? People that depend on you... that need you? The eyes in the mirror well up with tears... the brow crinkling as frustration takes over. Who am I? Your mind asking a million questions... but just like the empty eyed stranger staring back at you... you have no answers.
This is nothing compared to the frustration that suffocates me every time I try to think of what to do now.

Confusion? Somehow it just doesn't seem to do justice to the uncontrollable thoughts that ravage my soul a little more with every breath.

It is such a simple word.