I Never thought I would say this...

but I WANT TO GO BACK TO THE HOSPITAL.

I am having alot of trouble breathing because of the collapsed tissue in my lungs ~ caused by the fact that there are blood clots there and the tissue behind the blod clots is dying ~ and all I can do is "breathe through it"

well...fuck me gently. This "breathe through it" crap is NOT working. I cant roam around my house because it's on 3 different levels and once I get down (or up) a level I am stuck there until I feel like I am not going to pass out or puke.

I saw my Family DR today and got my blood tested for my INR # level so I know how much Kumadin I am supposed to take today.

Did you know that Kumadin is the "generic" name for WARFARIN? Did you know that WARFARIN is RAT POISON!?!?!?!? if you go to Home Depot to get traps and chemicals to kill rodents you can buy a 10 lb BOX of WARFARIN for $10?!?!?

yes...I am injesting RAT POISON. This cant be good for me. *sighs*

I am going stir crazy at home. I am bored. I am lonely. I wanna go back to work.

Im feelin pretty damn sorry for myself at the moment.

Rage Against Narcotics!!

I AM FINALLY HOME!!!!!!! omfg it feels so good to be here. The first thing I did when I walked through the door was run for my shower. I shaved…deep conditioned my hair…lathered myself up in all kindsa girlie stuff and proceeded to take VIM to scrub the damn tape remains off of my hands and arms.


The past 5 days have been the LONGEST days of my entire life.


On Friday when I went to the IV Clinic the DR there decided that I couldnt manage the pain on my own at home and that I was to be admitted. The IV clinic moved me (temporarily) back to the ER to wait for a bed on a ward. When I was moved to my ward/room from the ER I noticed that all the people in the beds on the ward were seniors…bed ridden, 100% dependant on whatever care was given to them... The charge nurse walks into the room I was assigned, looks at me, looks at the porter who had wheeled me down and says “is this her?” and then proceeds to start talking AT me and ABOUT me like I wasn’t even there. After about 15 minutes of her shit I finally snapped and said “I am in the damn room you know?!?!?” and the nurse that was taking my vitals started to laugh and said “ohh, this is gonna be fun” as the charge nurse glared at me, and proceeded to storm out of the room.


I refused to continue taking narcotics for my pain and “the battle royale” was on. I didn’t feel that the pain level I had experienced on Thursday when I was initially brought to the ER was the same on Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday so I didn’t feel I needed the HEAVY drugs. I REALLY don’t like being “stoned and out of it”, especially if I don’t feel that I am in a safe environment where I will be cared for properly. I think that’s SMART and SANE. Apparently, the charge nurse thought otherwise.


The charge nurse told me “if you are in pain you’ll take what we give you and be happy” as she tried to shove a little cup with 20 mg of ATIVAN, 50 mg of SEROQUIL, and 75 mg of DEMORAL into my hand. My reply back to her was “no, actually, I wont” and for 5 days I had to fight to be allowed to take NORMAL Tylenol. 9 out of 10 people leave hospitals after extended periods of stay addicted to some form of prescription narcotic whether their pain level indicates that they needed the heavy drugs or not. I wasn’t prepared to allow this bitch to make me dependant on her, nor was I going to risk coming out addicted to Ativan or worse.


Apparently this charge nurse has never met a Norwegian before. My will is stronger than my desire to capitulate ANYTHING. I refused to allow her to have control over my situation. It pissed her RIGHT off….at least it made the days entertaining. *smiles sweetly*


I didn’t get taken to a “city” hospital that has DR’s on staff 24/7. I got taken to the emergency room that had the lowest wait time because the paramedic team that arrived at my house early Thursday morning didn’t think anything was “really wrong” with me. It was a county hospital that serves a small area, mostly seniors that are waiting on permanent beds in 24/7 nursing care homes. I saw my DR in the morning around 8 am every day, before any tests had been run and completed, and I never spoke to him. He was always in the hallway outside my door with the charge nurse hovering over him to make sure no one (meaning me) bugged him.


I was given COMPLETE lack luster care. Whenever I pressed my call button, the average wait time was anywhere from 25-55 minutes, depending on the time of day. Whenever I asked questions, or the results from the tests they ran daily on me, it was like I was trying to formulate a plan to take over the entire hospital.


The charge nurse refused to let me speak to my DR until I had completely had enough of her shit on Sunday afternoon and walked myself from my Ward back to the emergency room and signed in again as a patient needing emergency attention. Apparently my ward DR was working in the ER on Sunday afternoon and when the nursing staff in the ER told him that I had re-signed in as a patient waiting to be seen and was sitting in the waiting room he came busting out of the doors with a wheel chair, took me back to my bed, and talked with me for 3 hours.


My DR had NO idea of anything that had been happening on the ward at the hands of that psychotic power hungry fucking troll (aka the charge nurse). He then proceeded to rip a strip off of the charge nurse, and then promptly left the ward, leaving me to deal with the now REALLY humiliated and angry troll...and that is when I decided that I should involve my lawyer.


I phoned my lawyer and made her my legal living will executor. Talk about PISSED OFF hospital staff? *smirks* everything they said to me, wanted to do to me, wanted me to take…EVERYTHING had to go though her. I no longer felt I was "lucid" and "sane" to understand the information being given to me and to make the necesary decisions on my own *smirks*


I see my family DR tomorrow morning and am going to take it really easy today. I am off of the Fragmin now as my International Numeric Ratio (INR #) is maintaining a steady 2.2, which is a therapeutic level to allow the Kumadin to work on its own. I have to get my blood tested daily for the next few days and then my family DR will call me when the daily lab results come in and tell me how much Kumadin I am to take that day. The blood tests will eventually go down to weekly and then bi-weekly but until they figure out my exact INR # level they need to test it daily. That’s fine with me…at least I am out of that bloody hospital. If my condition happens to worsen over the next few days Lance had already promised me that he will take me to the University hospital where I will not be put in a geriatric ward and ignored.


It was a LONG 5 days. I am looking forward to my nap.


Ciao!


Kris.

just a quickie...

hi guys

i just wanted to let you know that i am in the hospital and have been since friday.

hopefully i am getting out soon because i am going ing crazy in here. i think the nursing staff is getting ready to throw a "woohoo shes leaving" party as soon as i sign my discharge papers *smiles sweetly*

for some reason i cant read commnents but i can blog...hopefully this takes...so i will catch up with all of you soon

i remain, the biggest bitch in the world *muiahahahaha*

your drugged pal,

kris

Diagnosis: Pulmonary Embolisms.

Yesterday I learned about PAIN.

Real honest to god all you can do is moan writhe and barf pain.

It started yesterday around lunch time with a small twinge in my lower back. It has since spread out to encompass my entire upper body.

This morning at four AM I finally gave in and told Lance that we needed to go to the hospital. I got to go in an ambulance because I couldnt get in the car.

After spending 13 hours in the emergency room today and having an MRI, two CT scans (one with dye, one without), multiple blood tests, and almost 50 mg of morphine they diagnosed "Pulmonary Embolisms" (which are blood clots) and they were able to further pin point the location of the Blood Clots to my LUNGS.

Breathing is a challenge, laying down is a challenge, sitting up is a challenge, using my arms is a challenge. EVERYTHING hurts.

They sent me home with 4 needles full of morphine, 15 percocette's and a bunch of immovane to help me sleep. I am so bloody stoned I dont have a clue what I am doing....but I am still not so high that I dont feel pain. This really sucks.

I have to go to the IV clinic for at least the next 3 days where they do a blood test daily to determine how thin my blood is, they will also inject me with a blood thinner called Fragmin and they will also tell me how many pills of Kudamin I am to take.

Fragmin and Kudamin are blood thinners. Blood thinners are used to make the clots "disappear". Kudamin will work on its own but because of where the clots are located there is SEVERE risk of the clots moving to my heart and/or brain and causing an embolism that will result in death, so they are speeding up the process with the treatments of Fragmin. I will be on the Kudamin for at least six months.

All I can say at this point is THANK GOD FOR EXTENDED HEALTH BENEFITS!!! Fragmin is $200 a shot before my prescription discount. It ended up being $19.00 a shot. *ugh* Lets hope I only need a few of them. Kudamin wasnt nearly as expensive. 100 pills after my prescription discount only cost $6.00.

Im scared.

Sunday Morning After!

Today was a BUSY day.

Lance and I were up early (6 am…ugh) and we went to the gym. Then we met with our financial planner and went over all of our financial crap (ugh) and then we went to the bank and set up a joint account (ugh) and then we moved some money around and got settled into high interest (medium risk) money market mutual non-RRSP and RRSP funds. On top of the RRSP/GIC/Mutual’s I already buy into every pay day, by the time I am 55 years old …so 25 years from now… I will be worth 5 freekin MILLION!!!! OMFG!!!! And that’s if I don’t change any of my contributions…I am only putting away $250 a month. Thank you Dad (step dad, Lloyd) for “MAKING” me start “planning” for retirement when I was 16. I am now safe and secure and will be able to have a life that doesn’t revolve around work.

I made my “first” mature adult “do I really need this?!?!” decision today. Lance and I opened a joint checking account and our banker asked us “what kind of checks do you want?” and then puts down this big book of options. Well, of course I wanted the decorated ones. The ones I really wanted had puppies on them. They came with this really super cute check book holder that had puppy paws stamped across it. The price of the puppy checks versus the “ugly boring” checks was DOUBLE. Instead of getting what I wanted I settled for what I needed. Yes, there is a first time for everything folks *lol* while it might seem really mundane and quite silly to you, it was literally the first time in my life that I have weighed the options and took the “smart” route. I am still quite proud of myself. *lol*

My mom is still calling me at odd random times and singing the pull up commercial to me. You all know it…”I’m a big kid now…” …ha ha ha…*sighs*

I am almost 30 years old and I am finally starting to figure it out. I have learned the value of my credit rating, and I am thanking Christ I didn’t learn that lesson the hard way and that my rating is high enough to be able to do what I want to do with my life.

I also gave myself some shock therapy today. I have been blonde my entire life. It’s pretty…but god is it boring. I wanted something FUN so I called my girl Alana and said “babe, you’ve gotta help my hair!” and OMFG did she “HELP” my hair. I am still stunned…Lance loves it…it’s starting to grow on me. She did high lights, low lights, chemically straightened it, then after the high and low light stuff she foiled in yet more color to give it “texture and depth” (yes, that’s Alana’s definition…I didn’t know hair could have depth being that it isn’t 3-D…) here are a few pics…I’ve included a somewhat recent “before” picture as well so you can see how truly dramatic this is.

--Before--

--After (front) --

--After (back) --

After spending 3 hours with people who only wanted to talk about money, another 4 hours with Alana who kept using “depth” and “texture” in every other sentence it was REALLY great to toss on the beloved OILERS jersey and go to the game.

Lance and I drank green beer (it is St.Paddy's Day after all), cheered until we could no longer scream, clapped until our hands were raw, and had a REALLY good time. The tickets for tonight’s game were the ones that Lance won at the auction in memory of Neil that we went to last month. The Oiler’s might be out of this years playoffs (sobs hysterically) but the atmosphere in Oil Country hasn’t changed. It’s just TOO fun.

Lance has now gone to play his second hockey game of the day and I’ve finally found a few minutes to actually write a blog about what’s going on with me. It feels good to write again.

Over the past few days I’ve had a chance to re-connect with friends that have been a part of my life since the mid 1990’s. There is so much history between all of us that it’s just a nice peaceful easy feeling to be around them again. They know me. They understand me. They love me anyway. I am grateful for their presence and their reminders about where I’ve come from, the progress I have made, and how far I have yet to go. Friends like them are priceless.

This is a shout out to my girls, if by some stroke of miracle any of you ever manage to figure out how to use a 360 page and read this…Cheers! It’s the Sunday morning After! *lol* (yes, there is a story there…)

A Blurb from the song: Amanda Marshall – Sunday Morning After

I remember yelling, "Hey DJ!"

"Jack the volume, I love this song!"

(And then it all gets hazy)

And my clothes are selling on e-bay (click me)

And I don't know what I'm gonna put on

(Where were my friends to save me?)



I blacked out I came to

And it's all such a blur

Had a blast, I assume

But I'm really not sure



Exactly where I am now, baby

Wake up and tell me your name (excuse me)

'Cause this is insane!



Oh my god!

I woke up with a snake tattoo

Oh my god!

And I think that my tongue's pierced too

Oh my god! Oh my god!

It's the Sunday morning after, and baby who the hell are you?

(Oh my god! Oh my god!)

*howls with laughter* to make a long story short…I didn’t wake up with a snake tattoo, but I did wake up wondering what the fuck ran me over and why I suddenly had EIGHT extra holes in my body with pieces of metal shoved through them…at least the guy was still hot the next morning without the “Rye Goggles” that I without a doubt had on the night before (‘cuz the girls don’t drink beer…nope nope, its Rye or nothing…no “beer goggles” here) *lol* god I wish I could go back in time to re-live all of those moments.

I talked to Ananda today. I needed…well…to be honest, I wasn’t sure what I needed…but my soul cried for her, so I reached out to her, and once again, she didn’t fail me. I am so lucky to have that woman in my life. I made a date with her for tomorrow. I need to spend some time in her presence. I need to re-center and just let go for a little while. I need to release some of this toxic stress I am carting around about money and decisions and everything else about life that is winding me up. Tomorrow I am going for a walk through the river valley with Ananda to listen to the birds and watch the birth of spring. There is a lesson to be learned from the seasonal changes of life.

I am so proud of myself for finally recognizing when I am hitting my stress tolerance level and being able to take charge of the situation by giving my soul some time to breathe. I know the changes I am making in my life are hugely impacting, but I also know that they are the right choices.

It’s kind of scary being an “adult”. I am planning a life and a future with someone that I love passionately, but still, 30 years is a LONG freekin time. Yes, 30 years is how long our mortgage is for. I know when I look at him that he is my forever. I have no doubts about our relationship’s ability to sustain, maintain, and grow together. But still, 30 years is a long freekin time.

(Wow…I am all over the place tonight.)

Lance actually stunned me on Friday night. We went to Karaoke with some people from work. He actually got up to sing. Before the song started, he asked me if this could please be the song we dance together for our “first” dance as a married couple. All I could was nod and cry.

The man is thinking about marriage. He’s thinking about our wedding day. He is thinking about what he wants our first dance as man and wife to say and mean. He is thinking about me. He really does truly madly deeply love me.

The song Lance sang: Keith Urban – Your Everything

The first time I looked in your eyes I knew

That I would do anything for you

The first time you touched my face I felt

Like I've never felt with anyone else



I wana give back what you've givin' to me

And I wanna witness all of your dreams

Now that you've shown me who I really am

I wanna be more then just your man



I wanna be the wind that fills your sails

And be the hand that lifts your veil

And be the moon that moves your tide

The sun coming up in your eyes

Be the wheels that never rust

And be the spark that lights you up

All that you've been dreaming of and more

So much more, I wanna be your everything...



When you wake up, I'll be the first thing you see

And when it gets dark you can reach out for me

I'll cherish your words and I'll finish your thoughts

And I'll be your compass baby, when you get lost



I wanna be the wind that fills your sails

And be the hand that lifts your veil

And be the moon that moves your tide

The sun coming up in your eyes

Be the wheels that never rust

And be the spark that lights you up

All that you've been dreaming of and more

So much more, I wanna be your everything...



Be the wheels that never rust

And be the spark that lights you up

All that you've been dreaming of and more

So much more, I wanna be your everything...

I wanna be your everything

Life is progressing. Life is changing. I am rolling with the changes and learning how to be the best ME possible.

I hope all of you are happy and healthy. I’m missin you guys.

Smooches,

Kris.

Un-Written

Unwritten

------Natasha Bedingfield



I am unwritten,

Can't read my mind

I'm undefined

I'm just beginning

The pen's in my hand

Ending unplanned



Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words

That you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions



Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten ,yeah



Oh, oh



I break tradition

Sometimes my tries

Are outside the lines, oh yeah

We've been conditioned

To not make mistakes

But I can't live that way oh, oh



Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words

That you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions



Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips x2 (twice)

drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten



Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words

That you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions



Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins



Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

drench yourself in words unspoken

Live you life with arms wide open

Today is where you book begins

The rest is still unwritten

The rest is still unwritten

(YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!)

I heard the above song on a commercial and it just screamed to me.

Life has been very busy and stressful for me lately. Lance and I are in the process of buying a new home and a new car.

Anyone that has had the …pleasure…(insert sarcasm here) of trying to deal with the INSANE amount of paper work that comes with buying a home I know you will understand when I say OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHEN DOES IT STOP!?!?!?!??!?!

I’ve been pretty much handling all of the paper work and calls to the lawyers, mortgage broker, car dealership, banks, etc etc etc. Its starting to wear on me. I’ve got the ability at work to handle the calls and paper work, Lance doesn’t, but still…its A LOT of work to do while trying to do your normal full time job at the same time.

I am no longer really excited about the next phase in Lance’s and mine’s relationship…more I am praying for this phase to be over and freekin quickly before I end up bald and mute. The house gets appraised on Monday, so then the final process can be started. Conditions have to come off the sale on March 23^rd and the closing date is May 1^st. We’ve got SIX more bloody weeks of this. *sighs*

I am having a “poor me moment” today. I actually finally got the guts to DYE my hair for the FIRST time in my entire freekin life and my hair dresser FUCKED UP. I look like she slung mud at my head and it just got plastered on in random areas. It was supposed to be auburn. It looks like mud. It’s UGLY. She is going to re-do it tomorrow and lord help me (and her) if it looks worse than this. Thank god I can wear a ball cap to work *lol*

My dad is doing fine and was released from the hospital last week…maybe the week before…I dunno, I haven’t talked to him. I get my updates from my sister and leave it at that. He’s at home recuperating and resting so all things considered, that’s a positive.

I know I haven’t been around much and for that I am sorry. To be honest, there hasn’t been that much to read. I’ve logged onto almost everyone’s 360 pages and read everything over the past month and with the exception of a few, all I see is those ridiculous internet quizzes. They are everywhere. It’s like a plague of stupid. The quizzes have replaced actual thought and communication and instead have spawned this mindless redundant …blah…anyway… please know that if you have actually written anything, that I have most likely read it and commented on it in some way or another.

Anyway…its 8:51pm and Daylight Saving is still kicking my ass. Losing an hour really messes me up. I’m going to curl up with my puppy and my book.

For any that are looking for a new author, try reading Joanne Fluke. Her books are quick paced, entertaining, and her characters are well defined. For any Janet Evanovich or Sophie Kinsella lover out there you will LOVE Joanne Fluke.

I miss you guys. I promise I’ll be around a LOT more when all of this mortgage crap is settled…hell…I wont be able to afford to do anything else *lol*

Love to all that I adore.

Kris.

I'm Movin On

I've been in a ....weird....place for the past few weeks.

I've got so much to say and nothing manages to come out.

I heard this song today and suddenly everything in me found a voice. I sat down and cried, wailed, screamed, recomposed myself and made a plan. Time will tell if it actually works.

Sorry I havent been around much. I'll try to be here more...Much love to those I adore.

Rascall Flatts - I'm Movin' On.

I've dealt with my ghosts and faced all my demons

Finally content with a past I regret

I’ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness

For once I’m at peace with myself

I’ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long

I’m movin’ on



I’ve lived in this place and I know all the faces

Each one is different but they’re always the same

They mean no harm but it’s time that I face it

They’ll never allow me to change

But I never dreamed home would end up where I don’t belong

I’m movin’ on



I’m movin’ on

At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me

And I know there’s no guarentee’s, but I’m not alone

There comes a time in everyone’s life

When all you can see are the years passing by

And I have made up my mind that those days are gone



I sold what I could and packed what I couldn’t

Stopped to fill up on my way out of town

I’ve loved like I should but lived like

I shouldn’t

I had to lose everything to find out

Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road

I’m movin’ on



I’m movin’ on

I’m movin’ on