Back To You

I hear His voice and suddenly I am lost in a vortex of memories

I suddenly start to play the “shoulda, coulda, woulda” game with myself

I look at pictures of Him, me, US, and instantly I am transported back in time

Back to when those moments were being captured in silent tribute to dreams unfulfilled.

I know by now that I should expect Him to appear when I am the most happy.

I know all of His regrets and all of His meaningless words by heart

So why does my heart still flutter,

Even while knowing that His words are empty?

I allow myself to remember only because I cannot forget.

I cannot forget the Man that appeared in my life as if by thin air

I cannot forget the love and caring that Man gave to me

I cannot forget the woman I grew into under His hands.

For so long I waited for something to change

For so long I waited for Him to say “you are the one”

Now when I have quit waiting

He suddenly re-appears

I am so bloody angry at Him

I think I am entitled to be angry

I am still so bloody hurt by Him

I think I am entitled to be hurt

I don’t think I am entitled to anything

That’s where the sick twist comes in

I WANT to be entitled to hate Him

I want to be blissfully and gloriously RIGHT in hating Him.

I have intentionally avoided everything and anything that reminds me of Him

Today I intentionally sought out everything and anything that reminds me of Him

I feel drained from my internal power struggle

I feel exalted from my internal power struggle.

Everything has two sides

Nothing is as it should be in my little universe right now

What is right suddenly became left

I said good bye to Him years ago.

I knew it would never be the fairy tale that

He had talked me into believing

I think that is what hurts the most

I believed Him. I believed in Him.

Why does He continue to try?

Why does He continue to come back?

Why????

I wrote the following on my blog on April 19, 2006. After I lost my first ID I became paranoid about losing all of my writing so I moved it to a different website...

I have created something of a personal dilemma. To the people on my 360 friends list that know what’s going on, bear with me, for the rest of you, here’s a lil fairy tale to kinda spell it out in a safe “hypothetical” way.



Once upon a time there was a girl who was 18 years old. She was young, carefree, feisty and fearless. She was hanging out with some friend’s playing cards where she met a Man who would rock her to her core.



This Man opened her eyes to a whole new world and she blossomed under His eyes. She learned to communicate, to crave, to want, to desire, to please, and to accept denial.



This Man continues to come in and out of this girl’s life. Forever marking her and forever changing her in mostly positive ways. Whenever the future was mentioned the Man always made a point to let this girl know she was wanted in His life and she was always told how much she was loved.



Throughout the years they talked infrequently at times, and for multiple hours daily at others. They have both had different relationships ~ other loves ~ but they always seem to come back to each other like magnets that cannot exist without the other.



10 years later and nothing really has changed. The Man and the girl are still talking about everything and anything under the sun. She cannot imagine a topic that she couldn’t discuss with him and she still feels as close to him as she ever did BUT the difference now is the girl He knew has grown into the strong intelligent woman He helped to create.



The woman has a rewarding life full of people that love her and is secure in her inner-self with the knowledge of deep seated accomplishment and self security. The Man does not really know this new woman. He knows how to reach the girl that wants to be everything for him and to Him, but He doesn’t truly know the heart of the woman He still claims to love and want in His life for the rest of His life.



The woman hasn’t spoken to the Man in about 8 months when one day He comes back and once again shakes everything she knows and believes. The woman has found love and happiness with a wonderful caring honest sensitive kind and humorous man who truly loves her and cherishes her, but with the re-entry of the oldest flame her heart recognizes she is lost and does not know which way to turn.



The woman WANTS to believe the Man when He tells her He loves her and wants her for the rest of His life, but the woman also knows that He has been telling her the same things for as long as she has known Him so she is rightfully weary. Her heart breaks for what could’ve been, what might’ve been and in her brutally honest moments with herself, what SHOULD’VE been. Her heart is crushed for her mind has made a decision that her heart cannot abide. The woman has decided that the Man has had long enough to claim her as His and that the time for indecision has passed. The woman has confronted this Man and has asked him WHY He is more terrified of the leap than He is the actual fall. He has asked for time to think, so she has given Him 48 hours to decide what He truly feels, wants and needs. The woman is prepared emotionally to walk away and she is also prepared to disrupt her entire life for the fantasy of what could possibly be.



Awhile ago a friend posted some quotes on her blog, as soon as I read them my heart registered, recognized and wept in pain over the simply stated words expressing emotions I refused to acknowledge.



~I've accepted that we can't be, but I've also accepted that you're going to be that one person I carry with me for the rest of my life, the one that is always going to make my heart jump a little and my stomach tie up in knots no matter how happy I am otherwise and no matter how long it's been. The one I will always secretly wish had asked me to the dance even though I am happy with the guy who did. Do you realize how incredibly difficult it is so accept both those things at once?



~People don’t fall in love with what’s right in front of them. People want the dream – the more unattainable, the more attractive.



~Perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically -- to those who hardly think about us in return.



~I have come to realize that he is just a guy. A great one, maybe but he's not mine. And I don't need to do things to make him love me. If he wanted to ... he would.



~I now know that the worst feeling in the world is not losing the one that you love, but loving the one that you could never have.



I am seriously torn and confused. I think I am creating chaos now because I have so much lack of control in every other aspect of my life at the moment…how’s that for self-analyzing? *sighs* my heart is pulling in two totally different directions. One man is safety and compassion, the other is adventure and indifference. I truly don’t know what to do. So, my friends, I offer this to you, please give me some advice on what you think and what you feel and whatever else you feel is relevant. Don’t mince words, don’t try to protect me, just lay it out and give it to me.



I wrote this a long time ago in one of my more self-honest moments when I was trying to figure out what to do with the adventure seeking Man. To this day I am surprised at how true it is still ringing within me. Maybe I should just accept this as a sign and cut my losses already. I dunno…



What If??



What if I should creep into your room as you slept

and sit talking with your soul?

Asking questions, seeking truth, not the foolishness I’ve been told.



What if I could give to you a crystal vase of enormous size

a single yellow rose watered by every tear I cried,

would you see its passing beauty or note that it has died?



What if I brought to you a book rather warn and extremely tattered,

in minute script on every page was cataloged your lies.

Accompanied by a time and date to show how I began to die.

Would you bother to read it, or take notice of its size?



What if I sent a bill to you for every dream you shattered,

for every time you looked through me as if I didn’t matter.

Would you pay up with your pound of flesh, or say just let it ride?



What if failed to hear your call,

if I stood and spoke when ordered to beg and crawl.

Would you note new strength in me born of my servitude?



What if I slipped quietly from your side without a whisper, nor undue haste?

Would you call out my name and beg once more these tender lips to taste?



What if I told you that I had glimpsed the brilliant open blue sky,

hid beneath the tapestry of dark tales you wove, with threads of golden lies?

Would you know that I found it tempting and peaceful to my soul?

Would you care that I sat and talked with myself knowing was time to go?



What if I caressed you tenderly, before softly whispering good bye?

Would you know was me and not a breeze that silently passed you by?

The time for hypothetical stories has passed. I have spent the better part of six years slowly moving away from this Man. I loved Him with a passion I have never felt and fear I will never feel again. He still has the ability to make me want things I KNOW are not going to be good for me in the long run. He still has the ability to shake rattle and roll everything I believe in.

He keeps the memories of all the time we spent together dancing through my mind. He keeps me in love with …Him? or the idea of Him? I just don’t know anymore.

Today I rebelled against Him? *laughs dryly* no, it was just myself. I have intentionally avoided everything and anything to do with John Mayer since I left Him. Every time I hear John Mayer’s voice I am instantly back in His arms. Today I downloaded every single bloody song I could find of John Mayer’s and listened to every damn one of them and I refused to cry. I refused to feel anything but …like everything else made of sand…that castle has long since crashed.

Why does He keep coming back? Why does He do this to me? Why do I let Him!?!?!?

John Mayer – Back To You.

Back to you

It always comes around

Back to you

I tried to forget you

I tried to stay away

But it's too late



Over you

I'm never over

Over you

Something about you

It's just the way you move

The way you move me



I'm so good at forgetting

And I quit every game I play

But forgive me, love

I can't turn and walk away





Back to you

It always comes around

Back to you

I walk with your shadow

I'm sleeping in my bed

With your silhouette



should have smiled in that picture

If it's the last that I'll see of you

It's the least that you

Could not do



Leave the light on,

I'll never give up on you,

Leave the light on,

For me too, for me too



Back to me

I know that it comes

Back to me

Doesn't it scare you

Your will is not as strong

As it used to be