“It's just human. We all have the jungle inside of us. We all have wants and needs and desires, strange as they may seem. If you stop to think about it, we're all pretty creative, cooking up all these fantasies. It’s like a kind of poetry.”
I’ve started thinking about WHY I am so attracted and drawn to the mysterious and unavailable.
I went to group on Friday and had a chat with Satna about “C” and she started pushing me (ok, ok…dragging me) towards recognizing that I am enthralled with people who are completely unavailable to me. I will pour 150% of my energy into someone/something that will never give back to me and I will torture myself over what I did “wrong” for the rest of my life.
I will replay every conversation, action, moment, memory, issue…you name it…I will replay it over and over again in my brain trying to figure out a better out come…A different ending. I keep trying to create a fairy tale.
I’ve recently put myself and my relationship through a test of strength for no real purpose what so ever. I left group on Friday with instructions of “Start paying true attention to what you focus your energy on. Acknowledge you’re past indecisions and hurts. Next week we’ll take a look at WHY you choose the things and people to be in your life that you do”
So…here I am …
I admit that I stayed with “C” because it was exhilarating, adventurous, and completely chaotic. I still can’t say that it was entirely a BAD thing. It was a fabulous relationship, on the surface. Once I started to dig into the relationship is when it fell apart. I realized that it was entirely fictitious. I assumed the blame was all mine, and I took all of it. I KNEW it was my fault that the relationship didn’t have any substance to it. I KNEW it was my fault for pushing “C” and egging him into being “brutally honest” with me….turns out, I didn’t know a damn thing.
I picked “C” because he was elusive and unavailable. Dammit! I was going to MAKE him love me how I wanted to be loved. He was going to BE for me everything that I ever wanted and needed. I was going to FINALLY be happy. I couldn’t be happy until he gave me everything I wanted/needed. In reality, He wasn’t capable of giving me those things. Only I was capable of giving those things to myself, and I didn’t know how. I was refusing to give up on my fairy tale regardless of what he showed me in reality.
I have tortured myself for SIX years about the relationship I had with that Man. I have replayed every conversation, every moment, every little single thing in my brain until it has become a repetitive soundtrack to my life. I have compared every single Man I’ve met after “C” to “C”. I am constantly on the offensive looking for personality traits or behaviors that “C” displayed to me. I was not aware of my subconscious goal of creating a “fairy tale”, though now I am.
Moving on and away from “C” I am realizing that I have repeated that pattern my ENTIRE life with multiple different men that may (or may not) have deserved better. I put A LOT of pressure on my chosen partners to “live up to” my ideal of what I think a relationship should be.
While I don’t think that ideals are entirely bad, it would help if I was able to communicate WHY I hold the ideals I do so my partner doesn’t go insane trying to figure me out.
In reality, I hold the ideals I do because I have never felt worth and value on my own. I have always sought outside sources to provide me with those feelings. I am slowly learning how to provide MYSELF with those things, but it is a struggle at times and a nightmare at others.
I am attracted to the mysterious and unavailable because that is how I watched “love” growing up. That is how I received “love” growing up. I wasn’t cared about until I was able to prove that I was worthy of time and attention. I learned at a young age how to get attention, and I learned at a young age not to care what KIND of attention I was attracting.
I broke every single pattern I have ever created when I got together with Lance. Forming this relationship has been like trying to find solid footing on a sheet of ice while wearing flip flops. I feel like I am trying to climb Mt. Everest at times. It has been HARD on both of us. I am thankful that he is patient and that he has the “balls” to call me out when I am being ridiculous and difficult. I am thankful that he see’s through my crap and has no problem getting down to the heart of any issue with me. I don’t know what I did to deserve him.
I need to stop questioning my worth, and value. I need to recognize that I do make healthy valuable input to my relationship with Lance (and many others). I need to acknowledge my past relationships and all of the lies, chaos, and drama that I got sucked into and believe to be my fault and I need to put that away. Recognizing that the mistake is only mine if I was in control of the outcome is helping. I need to quit missing what never was. I need to quit missing what was never meant to be. I need to focus on what IS.
Goo Goo Dolls – Acoustic #3
They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told to you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew
And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway
Your voice is small and fading
And you hide in here unknown
And your mother loves your father
Cause she's got nowhere to go
And she wonders where these dreams go
Cause the world got in her way
What's the point in ever trying
Nothing's changing anyway
They press their lips against you
And you love the lies they say
And I tried so hard to reach you
But you're falling anyway
And you know I see right through you
Cause the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
You're not listening anyway
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