In-Law Difficulties

How do you deal with a loved one’s family member who has been deeply hurt by their actions?


As I wrote earlier last week, Lance’s Dad and Sister were coming to Edmonton for Easter. Lance and his sister Tammy had made plans for them to stay with us and for the 2 of them to spend some time together.


Lance and I spent the better part of a week getting our house completely spotless and the guest room and bathroom immaculate with personal touches that Lance figured Tammy and her boyfriend, Eddie, would need/want/appreciate.


Tammy & Eddie arrived on Friday afternoon and went directly to Terry’s house (the local sister) and proceeded to get themselves STUPID drunk for the next 3 days. Every day we would go over to Terry’s and hang out ~ basically watch them drink themselves into oblivion ~ and every day Lance would try to solidify plans with his sister and every day Tammy would stand Lance up at the last minute.


Tammy and Eddie don’t have a computer at their home. They are always complaining that they never get in on the “family emails” because they don’t have email, so I decided that I would GIVE them my other computer. It’s a great machine that is completely set up with everything they need ~ mouse, keyboard, 19” monitor, DVD/CD Burner, surround sound speakers, Windows XP Pro, Corporate Virus/Firewall, Windows Office, Microsoft Outlook, Wireless Nic Card, 1 GB of RAM, 2.4 GHz, high speed/cable ready…as I said, it would give them everything they need.


I spent $1100 on that computer about 2 years ago. Lance and I have it connected to our network, but it is rarely used so I spent Friday morning wiping the hard drive, reformatting everything and getting it all cleaned up for them ~ do you have ANY idea how GROSE it is when you remove the hard drive cover and blow the dust out?!*ugh* ~ anyway…we went to Terry’s on Friday and told them that we had a computer for them and that they could pick it up from our place sometime that weekend. They went home on Monday morning. It is now Wednesday and the computer is STILL sitting on my floor where it was put after it was all disconnected and cleaned up.


Tammy proceeded to spend the entire weekend bitching about “how nice it must be to have a new car” and “how nice it must be to afford to buy a house” and that “Lance has definitely picked a girl with a rich family” and blah blah blah.


I’m sorry but I DO NOT FEEL GUILTY for the things Lance and I have been able to achieve together. I REFUSE to feel guilty because my parents offered to give us a down payment for our mortgage (and yes, we have to pay them back) which enabled us to get what they call a ‘wholesale mortgage interest rate’ (5.1% instead of the 6.25% being currently offered by most banks here)


Lance’s Dad was REALLY pissed off that we took the money from my parents. He had the gall to tell Lance that Lance shouldn’t be discussing finances with anyone outside of HIS family. Well here’s a news flash. I AM HIS FAMILY TOO. I was so freekin annoyed. His dad doesn’t have a pot to piss in and has claimed bankruptcy TWICE. Tammy has claimed bankruptcy. Terry came close to claiming it but was spared somehow at the last minute. EVERY PERSON in Lance’s family has been a financial and credit disaster. WHY would Lance go to them for advice?!?!?!!?


When Lance and I first got together Lance was on the brink of fucking up his credit rating REALLY badly. With the help of my step dad Lance managed to save himself and his credit rating which is helping to enable us to have the things we are purchasing.


Needless to say, Tammy and Eddie didn’t stay a single night with us. Lance’s dad didn’t leave Terry’s couch ~ curling and hockey were on *rolls eyes* ~ and Lance is fucking heartbroken.


On Sunday, after listening to Tammy and Lance’s Dad bitch, moan, whine and complain for 2 full days, Tammy actually did something that stunned me. She looked at Lance and said “your ex girlfriend Carmen was asking about you. I told her you were still with her (with a withering look at me) but that you didn’t seem all that happy. I gave her your cell number. She is thinking about moving back to Edmonton and told me to tell you she misses you”


OMFG.


To Lance’s credit he didn’t even bat an eye, he just told Tammy that he IS in fact VERY happy and that he has NO desire to communicate with Carmen let alone get back together with her…to the lack of my credit, well, I fucking snapped. Before I could say anything that I would regret, I went into the house, grabbed the car keys, thanked Terry for dinner, hopped in the car and proceeded to start driving away. Lance came barreling down the driveway after me and hopped in the car beside me, grabbed my hand and said “c’mon love, lets go home, this is just fucking ridiculous”


Sunday night he broke down and was in tears. He was racking with sobs. It broke my heart. I don’t understand WHY his family would do that to him. He has such a gentle soul. He wears his heart on his sleeve. He would do anything to help someone he cares about. I don’t understand what provoked Tammy and his Dad to make him some proverbial whipping boy this weekend.


He was looking so forward to them coming. All he can do now is cry about the lack of caring they showed to him.


How do I help him?