Tuesday, May 29, 2007

You Are Loved (Don't Give Up)



You Are Loved (Don't Give Up)

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy I
I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you I
I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside I
I'll be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you I
I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody needs to be loved
Don't give up
Because...you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Everyone needs to be loved
You are loved.

~Josh Groban~

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Old...er

Today I am old....er.

I've recieved cards, gifts, phone calls, emails, e-cards and all the other hoopla that makes having a birthday fabulous...but I'm stuck on the fact that I am old...er.

The 'official' "you are allowed to be braindead, your still in your 20's" phase is over. I am a full fledge adult now. I'm not a happy camper.

Lance is already old...er-er. (He's 34 *lol*) so he's already gone over this hump and he doesnt get why it's even something I am thinking about. Ah...love is blind *lol*

Last night Lance's sister took me out for dinner...I thought it was just gonna be a quiet family thing...I thought wrong. Everyone was there. Including those happy clapping birthday song screaming make you stand up on your chair and wear a stupid hat waiters and waitresses. So not happy.

old...er people shouldnt try to climb on restaurant furniture. You really hurt your butt when you fall off. You really hurt your pride when everyone in the restaurant laughs. Lance is soooooo gonna suffer on his next birthday. He planned the whole thing. (quit laughing!)

Monday, May 21, 2007

A Weekend In Pictures

I need a long weekend to recover from my long weekend.
Lance and I accomplished SO much in the yard this weekend.
We tore down the old firepit, replaced it with a new one.
We tore out the front flower bed and replaced the flowers.
We tore out the back flower bed, built a retaining wall, filled it with brand new top soil, and replaced the flowers with sun loving ones.
We filled Tina The Turtle and hung Snap Dragons.
We power washed the house.
We gave Ringo a bath.
We threw a family get together.
We are DEAD tired.
Oh, and for the record....I am TOTALLY over this whole flower thing now *lol*
Now for the pictures


back - 1

Back - Before

back - 9

Back - After




firepit - old

Firepit - Before




firepit - new

Firepit - After




front - 1

Front - Before




front - 4

Front - After




front - 5

Front - Finished !!

Flowers & Paul Bunyan

Today was a crazy busy day for Lance and I. We decided at 11 am to have a BBQ and actually use our fire pit so we invited our families over for some fun festivities.

We made all the phone calls, invited everyone over for 5 pm and then opened the screen door and looked outside.

Here’s a tip for anyone new to lawn maintenance…Scott’s Turf Builder lawn fertilizer REALLY freeking works. We have mowed the lawn 3 times in the past 10 days and we had to mow it yet again today. My lawn has decided it wants to be as tall as a corn field.

We also had to go to Home Depot to replace our fire pit blocks. The old ones were completely cracked. While we were there the man got a new BBQ under lining thing…I dunno what the hell it is, but he swears that he needed it…and he got a new axe…he was so thrilled with his sharp new toy that he carried it around Home Depot like Paul Bunyan…it was really entertaining.

I then realized OMG my family is coming over and my flower beds look like CRAP. The perennials that the previous owner bought last year did not fare well over the winter and they have all died. They are all shriveled, brown and UGLY.

So, I took my axe toting Paul Bunyan to the Home Depot Garden section for more plants. Well…HOLY CRAP…I’ve never been to a nursery before…I don’t know a damn thing about plants…all I know is that I like riots of color, varying heights, and not too much green… Imagine a gorgeous English flower garden…that’s what I wanted. What I walked away with was shade to deep shade green plants *sighs*

The flower bed that I needed them for faces north. It gets very little, if any, sun. Today I learned that it will be impossible to have riots of color there. I pouted a little …ok…a lot…and then proceeded to try to learn something about shade plants. I learned that Home Depot doesn’t carry a wide variety (they had 4 plants to choose from…oh yippee) so we paid for the stuff we had in our cart and went to an actual Green House Nursery.

When I told the lady at this nursery that I wanted as much color as possible for my deep shade plants she actually said “tsk, tsk, green gardens make such a stronger statement, they are so much more elegant” *rolls my eyes* my flip flop up her butt would’ve made a statement as well, but Lance, my Paul Bunyan super hero rescued me from the pretentious flower bitch by calling his sister who told me what I needed and what sections of the green houses to look at.

I ended up with green…more than I personally like, but I also ended up with a lot of flowering plants that will bloom in the shade. I snuck in a few bright happy colored annuals to help off set all of the green, and Lance bought me 2 hanging pots of plants for the front of our house full of bright chaotic colors, though I un-hung one to put in my Tina-the-turtle flower pot. (Wait’ll you see pictures of Tina…she’s too cute…she’s a turtle and she has a little sun bonnet on *lol*)

Tina The Turtle1
Tina The Turtle2

Tomorrow we are planting them. In the fall we are going to transport the tulips from our south facing flower bed and move them to the side of the house and then…oh yes! THEN my friends, I can have a big crazy riot of color chaos flower garden *grinz* I’ll suck it up with this ugly green flower bed as long as I can have my crazy colored one next year.

We rushed home from Home Depot and the Flower Nursery to unload the car, then it was back on the road to fill up the BBQ propane tank and then over to Lance’s sisters to get some wood for our fire pit. Another pit stop on the way home to get garlic bread, salad, corn on the cob, and some steaks…then we hit the liquor store to get some coolers and beer…and then finally we were able to go home and start doing everything that needed to be done.

Here’s another tip…if you are going to plan an out door party, make sure that you don’t need to do hours of work to the said outdoors on the day the party happens.

Lance mowed the yard, tore down the old fire pit, and built the new one. I cleaned up the house, got dinner organized, weeded my backyard flower beds, picked up dog poop *ugh* and managed to shower and get dressed before everyone showed up.

Tonight was a blast. My mom, step dad, and sister Kim came over for BBQ dinner and played train dominoes and talked and laughed and just hung out - After all the work we did for the firepit it was just too cool to sit outside and enjoy it *sighs*. My mom and sister turned it into a birthday party for me (yea, I’m officially old on Wednesday)

I am having a really hard time falling asleep lately. I keep myself busy and I am active throughout each and every day. I have weaned myself off of the pain killers and learning new ways to cope with these horrid blood clots. I cut my caffeine intake to 1 can of pop a day, if that, most of the time I drink water. I don’t know what to do to make sleep actually happen. I lie in bed and read and read and read some more just waiting to drift off, but here I am again at 2 am and I am still WIDE awake.

I’ll take pictures of all the flowers and the new fire pit tomorrow. I am now gonna go play PS2 and hope that some mindless game of Hot Shots 3 will take my brain to sleep.
Ciao!

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Finish The Sentence

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to…use them against someone

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that…can be recalled by their maker.

Eat a apple in the a.m., and the rest of the day you will be… picking apple peel out of your teeth

If you can't be kind, at least…be an enviable bitch

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was…worth every penny.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as... a pillow for my cat.

Never buy a car you can't…parallel park.

Try not to put your foot in your mouth, because you might have to... suck on sweaty toes, unless you have a foot fetish, then you’ll be ok

When every thing's going your way, you're...obviously doing something wrong

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have... the more you can torture younger people with stories about “when I was your age”

Some mistakes are...necessary.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because… you got a few solid shots in on the way down.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors but they all...don’t remove easily from wall paper.

A truly happy person is one who can... totally embarrass themselves in public and not care what anyone else thinks

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open. Sadness comes through doors you... were too stupid to lock the first time.

When you're in deep water, that's a good time to... hope that the water isn’t shark populated.

Family get together’s are important because... I still can’t make a pot roast.

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a... Fire alarm.

Think about this: No one ever says "It's only a game" when... they make 5 gazillion dollars to play it.

Be careful reading the fine print when you... sign up for a reality TV show.

The trouble with too many friends is... you feel obligated to be something for everyone.

When I wake up in the morning, after a certain age... I am thankful that I am not hung over.

It is always darkest... in the dark.

There is nothing new... in the world, except the things you do not know.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with...several months of preparation, major inoculations and five days of packing

A committee of three... beats a jury of 12.

If you can't stand the heat... turn the air conditioning on.

Better late than...pregnant

A rolling stone... should’ve over dosed by now. Seriously. HOW is Keith Richards still alive!?

If at first you don't succeed... change your yahoo nick name and come back as your other personality.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry...because you can

A bird in the hand is... just waiting to poop on you

Early to bed, early to rise... makes me bitchy and sex deprived.

Two heads...and only enough blood to supply one at a time

It is better to light a candle than... stub your toe in the dark.

A miss is as good as... nothing. It’s a miss.

A penny saved...used to buy 3 mojo’s.

Don't burn your bridges... but always ensure that you aren’t on one that is burning.

Haste makes... completing these questions with originality difficult.

Little Wonders


Rob Thomas – Little Wonders

Let it go
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don't you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels
Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours
These small hours
Still remain
Let it slide
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine,
Till you feel it all around you
And I don't mind
If it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by
It's the heart that really matters in the end
Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These small hours
Still remain
All of my regret
Will wash away somehow
But I cannot forget the way
I feel right now
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate
Yeah, these twisted turns of fate
Times falls away
Yeah, but these small hours,
These small hours Still remain
Yeah, They still remain
These little wonders
All these twists and turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These little wonders
Still remain

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Do You Believe in Fairytales?

“It's just human. We all have the jungle inside of us. We all have wants and needs and desires, strange as they may seem. If you stop to think about it, we're all pretty creative, cooking up all these fantasies. It’s like a kind of poetry.”



I’ve started thinking about WHY I am so attracted and drawn to the mysterious and unavailable.



I went to group on Friday and had a chat with Satna about “C” and she started pushing me (ok, ok…dragging me) towards recognizing that I am enthralled with people who are completely unavailable to me. I will pour 150% of my energy into someone/something that will never give back to me and I will torture myself over what I did “wrong” for the rest of my life.



I will replay every conversation, action, moment, memory, issue…you name it…I will replay it over and over again in my brain trying to figure out a better out come…A different ending. I keep trying to create a fairy tale.



I’ve recently put myself and my relationship through a test of strength for no real purpose what so ever. I left group on Friday with instructions of “Start paying true attention to what you focus your energy on. Acknowledge you’re past indecisions and hurts. Next week we’ll take a look at WHY you choose the things and people to be in your life that you do”



So…here I am …



I admit that I stayed with “C” because it was exhilarating, adventurous, and completely chaotic. I still can’t say that it was entirely a BAD thing. It was a fabulous relationship, on the surface. Once I started to dig into the relationship is when it fell apart. I realized that it was entirely fictitious. I assumed the blame was all mine, and I took all of it. I KNEW it was my fault that the relationship didn’t have any substance to it. I KNEW it was my fault for pushing “C” and egging him into being “brutally honest” with me….turns out, I didn’t know a damn thing.



I picked “C” because he was elusive and unavailable. Dammit! I was going to MAKE him love me how I wanted to be loved. He was going to BE for me everything that I ever wanted and needed. I was going to FINALLY be happy. I couldn’t be happy until he gave me everything I wanted/needed. In reality, He wasn’t capable of giving me those things. Only I was capable of giving those things to myself, and I didn’t know how. I was refusing to give up on my fairy tale regardless of what he showed me in reality.



I have tortured myself for SIX years about the relationship I had with that Man. I have replayed every conversation, every moment, every little single thing in my brain until it has become a repetitive soundtrack to my life. I have compared every single Man I’ve met after “C” to “C”. I am constantly on the offensive looking for personality traits or behaviors that “C” displayed to me. I was not aware of my subconscious goal of creating a “fairy tale”, though now I am.



Moving on and away from “C” I am realizing that I have repeated that pattern my ENTIRE life with multiple different men that may (or may not) have deserved better. I put A LOT of pressure on my chosen partners to “live up to” my ideal of what I think a relationship should be.



While I don’t think that ideals are entirely bad, it would help if I was able to communicate WHY I hold the ideals I do so my partner doesn’t go insane trying to figure me out.



In reality, I hold the ideals I do because I have never felt worth and value on my own. I have always sought outside sources to provide me with those feelings. I am slowly learning how to provide MYSELF with those things, but it is a struggle at times and a nightmare at others.



I am attracted to the mysterious and unavailable because that is how I watched “love” growing up. That is how I received “love” growing up. I wasn’t cared about until I was able to prove that I was worthy of time and attention. I learned at a young age how to get attention, and I learned at a young age not to care what KIND of attention I was attracting.



I broke every single pattern I have ever created when I got together with Lance. Forming this relationship has been like trying to find solid footing on a sheet of ice while wearing flip flops. I feel like I am trying to climb Mt. Everest at times. It has been HARD on both of us. I am thankful that he is patient and that he has the “balls” to call me out when I am being ridiculous and difficult. I am thankful that he see’s through my crap and has no problem getting down to the heart of any issue with me. I don’t know what I did to deserve him.



I need to stop questioning my worth, and value. I need to recognize that I do make healthy valuable input to my relationship with Lance (and many others). I need to acknowledge my past relationships and all of the lies, chaos, and drama that I got sucked into and believe to be my fault and I need to put that away. Recognizing that the mistake is only mine if I was in control of the outcome is helping. I need to quit missing what never was. I need to quit missing what was never meant to be. I need to focus on what IS.



Goo Goo Dolls – Acoustic #3



They painted up your secrets

With the lies they told to you

And the least they ever gave you

Was the most you ever knew



And I wonder where these dreams go

When the world gets in your way

What's the point in all this screaming

No one's listening anyway



Your voice is small and fading

And you hide in here unknown

And your mother loves your father

Cause she's got nowhere to go



And she wonders where these dreams go

Cause the world got in her way

What's the point in ever trying

Nothing's changing anyway



They press their lips against you

And you love the lies they say

And I tried so hard to reach you

But you're falling anyway



And you know I see right through you

Cause the world gets in your way

What's the point in all this screaming

You're not listening anyway

Friday, May 4, 2007

Back To You

I hear His voice and suddenly I am lost in a vortex of memories


I suddenly start to play the “shoulda, coulda, woulda” game with myself


I look at pictures of Him, me, US, and instantly I am transported back in time


Back to when those moments were being captured in silent tribute to dreams unfulfilled.



I know by now that I should expect Him to appear when I am the most happy.


I know all of His regrets and all of His meaningless words by heart


So why does my heart still flutter,


Even while knowing that His words are empty?



I allow myself to remember only because I cannot forget.


I cannot forget the Man that appeared in my life as if by thin air


I cannot forget the love and caring that Man gave to me


I cannot forget the woman I grew into under His hands.



For so long I waited for something to change


For so long I waited for Him to say “you are the one”


Now when I have quit waiting


He suddenly re-appears



I am so bloody angry at Him


I think I am entitled to be angry


I am still so bloody hurt by Him


I think I am entitled to be hurt



I don’t think I am entitled to anything


That’s where the sick twist comes in


I WANT to be entitled to hate Him


I want to be blissfully and gloriously RIGHT in hating Him.



I have intentionally avoided everything and anything that reminds me of Him


Today I intentionally sought out everything and anything that reminds me of Him


I feel drained from my internal power struggle


I feel exalted from my internal power struggle.



Everything has two sides


Nothing is as it should be in my little universe right now


What is right suddenly became left



I said good bye to Him years ago.


I knew it would never be the fairy tale that


He had talked me into believing


I think that is what hurts the most


I believed Him. I believed in Him.



Why does He continue to try?


Why does He continue to come back?


Why????




I wrote the following on my blog on April 19, 2006. After I lost my first ID I became paranoid about losing all of my writing so I moved it to a different website...


I have created something of a personal dilemma. To the people on my 360 friends list that know what’s going on, bear with me, for the rest of you, here’s a lil fairy tale to kinda spell it out in a safe “hypothetical” way.



Once upon a time there was a girl who was 18 years old. She was young, carefree, feisty and fearless. She was hanging out with some friend’s playing cards where she met a Man who would rock her to her core.



This Man opened her eyes to a whole new world and she blossomed under His eyes. She learned to communicate, to crave, to want, to desire, to please, and to accept denial.



This Man continues to come in and out of this girl’s life. Forever marking her and forever changing her in mostly positive ways. Whenever the future was mentioned the Man always made a point to let this girl know she was wanted in His life and she was always told how much she was loved.



Throughout the years they talked infrequently at times, and for multiple hours daily at others. They have both had different relationships ~ other loves ~ but they always seem to come back to each other like magnets that cannot exist without the other.



10 years later and nothing really has changed. The Man and the girl are still talking about everything and anything under the sun. She cannot imagine a topic that she couldn’t discuss with him and she still feels as close to him as she ever did BUT the difference now is the girl He knew has grown into the strong intelligent woman He helped to create.



The woman has a rewarding life full of people that love her and is secure in her inner-self with the knowledge of deep seated accomplishment and self security. The Man does not really know this new woman. He knows how to reach the girl that wants to be everything for him and to Him, but He doesn’t truly know the heart of the woman He still claims to love and want in His life for the rest of His life.



The woman hasn’t spoken to the Man in about 8 months when one day He comes back and once again shakes everything she knows and believes. The woman has found love and happiness with a wonderful caring honest sensitive kind and humorous man who truly loves her and cherishes her, but with the re-entry of the oldest flame her heart recognizes she is lost and does not know which way to turn.



The woman WANTS to believe the Man when He tells her He loves her and wants her for the rest of His life, but the woman also knows that He has been telling her the same things for as long as she has known Him so she is rightfully weary. Her heart breaks for what could’ve been, what might’ve been and in her brutally honest moments with herself, what SHOULD’VE been. Her heart is crushed for her mind has made a decision that her heart cannot abide. The woman has decided that the Man has had long enough to claim her as His and that the time for indecision has passed. The woman has confronted this Man and has asked him WHY He is more terrified of the leap than He is the actual fall. He has asked for time to think, so she has given Him 48 hours to decide what He truly feels, wants and needs. The woman is prepared emotionally to walk away and she is also prepared to disrupt her entire life for the fantasy of what could possibly be.



Awhile ago a friend posted some quotes on her blog, as soon as I read them my heart registered, recognized and wept in pain over the simply stated words expressing emotions I refused to acknowledge.



~I've accepted that we can't be, but I've also accepted that you're going to be that one person I carry with me for the rest of my life, the one that is always going to make my heart jump a little and my stomach tie up in knots no matter how happy I am otherwise and no matter how long it's been. The one I will always secretly wish had asked me to the dance even though I am happy with the guy who did. Do you realize how incredibly difficult it is so accept both those things at once?



~People don’t fall in love with what’s right in front of them. People want the dream – the more unattainable, the more attractive.



~Perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically -- to those who hardly think about us in return.



~I have come to realize that he is just a guy. A great one, maybe but he's not mine. And I don't need to do things to make him love me. If he wanted to ... he would.



~I now know that the worst feeling in the world is not losing the one that you love, but loving the one that you could never have.



I am seriously torn and confused. I think I am creating chaos now because I have so much lack of control in every other aspect of my life at the moment…how’s that for self-analyzing? *sighs* my heart is pulling in two totally different directions. One man is safety and compassion, the other is adventure and indifference. I truly don’t know what to do. So, my friends, I offer this to you, please give me some advice on what you think and what you feel and whatever else you feel is relevant. Don’t mince words, don’t try to protect me, just lay it out and give it to me.



I wrote this a long time ago in one of my more self-honest moments when I was trying to figure out what to do with the adventure seeking Man. To this day I am surprised at how true it is still ringing within me. Maybe I should just accept this as a sign and cut my losses already. I dunno…



What If??



What if I should creep into your room as you slept

and sit talking with your soul?

Asking questions, seeking truth, not the foolishness I’ve been told.



What if I could give to you a crystal vase of enormous size

a single yellow rose watered by every tear I cried,

would you see its passing beauty or note that it has died?



What if I brought to you a book rather warn and extremely tattered,

in minute script on every page was cataloged your lies.

Accompanied by a time and date to show how I began to die.

Would you bother to read it, or take notice of its size?



What if I sent a bill to you for every dream you shattered,

for every time you looked through me as if I didn’t matter.

Would you pay up with your pound of flesh, or say just let it ride?



What if failed to hear your call,

if I stood and spoke when ordered to beg and crawl.

Would you note new strength in me born of my servitude?



What if I slipped quietly from your side without a whisper, nor undue haste?

Would you call out my name and beg once more these tender lips to taste?



What if I told you that I had glimpsed the brilliant open blue sky,

hid beneath the tapestry of dark tales you wove, with threads of golden lies?

Would you know that I found it tempting and peaceful to my soul?

Would you care that I sat and talked with myself knowing was time to go?



What if I caressed you tenderly, before softly whispering good bye?

Would you know was me and not a breeze that silently passed you by?



The time for hypothetical stories has passed. I have spent the better part of six years slowly moving away from this Man. I loved Him with a passion I have never felt and fear I will never feel again. He still has the ability to make me want things I KNOW are not going to be good for me in the long run. He still has the ability to shake rattle and roll everything I believe in.



He keeps the memories of all the time we spent together dancing through my mind. He keeps me in love with …Him? or the idea of Him? I just don’t know anymore.



Today I rebelled against Him? *laughs dryly* no, it was just myself. I have intentionally avoided everything and anything to do with John Mayer since I left Him. Every time I hear John Mayer’s voice I am instantly back in His arms. Today I downloaded every single bloody song I could find of John Mayer’s and listened to every damn one of them and I refused to cry. I refused to feel anything but …like everything else made of sand…that castle has long since crashed.



Why does He keep coming back? Why does He do this to me? Why do I let Him!?!?!?



John Mayer – Back To You.



Back to you

It always comes around

Back to you

I tried to forget you

I tried to stay away

But it's too late



Over you

I'm never over

Over you

Something about you

It's just the way you move

The way you move me



I'm so good at forgetting

And I quit every game I play

But forgive me, love

I can't turn and walk away





Back to you

It always comes around

Back to you

I walk with your shadow

I'm sleeping in my bed

With your silhouette



should have smiled in that picture

If it's the last that I'll see of you

It's the least that you

Could not do



Leave the light on,

I'll never give up on you,

Leave the light on,

For me too, for me too



Back to me

I know that it comes

Back to me

Doesn't it scare you

Your will is not as strong

As it used to be


Thursday, May 3, 2007

Hide and Seek


Imogen Heap – Hide and Seek



where are we?

what the hell is going on?

the dust has only just begun to fall

crop circles in the carpet

sinking, feeling



spin me round again

and rub my eyes,

this can't be happening

when busy streets a mess with people

would stop to hold their heads heavy



hide and seek

trains and sewing machines

all those years

they were here first



oily marks appear on walls

where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,

the sweeping insensitivity


of this still life



hide and seek

trains and sewing machines (you won't catch me around here)

blood and tears

they were here first



Mmmm what do you say,

Mmmm that you only meant well?

well of course you did

Mmmm what do you say,

Mmmm that's all for the best?

ah of course it is

Mmmm what do you say?

Mmmm that it's just what we need

you decided this

Mmmm what do you say?

Mmmm what did she say?



ransom notes keep falling out your mouth

mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs

speak no feeling

no I don't believe you

you don't care a bit,

you don't care a bit



(hide and seek)

ransom notes keep falling out your mouth

midsweet talk, newspaper word cut outs



(hide and seek)

speak no feeling

no, I don't believe you

you don't care a bit,

you don't care a bit



(hide and seek)

oh no, you don't care a bit

oh no, you don't care a bit



(hide and seek)

oh no, you don't care a bit

you don't care a bit

you don't care a bit



myspace layouts, myspace codes, glitter graphics

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Its Finished!!!

YAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!

I just got a call from my lawyer. It's official. The money has changed hands. The deal is DONE.

The house is ours!!!!!!!!

Holy crap are we in debt

Perfect Memories


"It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who died. Rather we should thank God that such men lived."

-George S. Patton, Jr.



I cannot believe how rapidly time flies. How quickly life can change. How fast grief can turn to gratefulness.



It has been almost a year since D, M, T & J lost their lives, and almost a year and a half since Mark lost his.



I’ve look back at the person I was a year ago and I am honestly stunned at the person I am growing into.



I have learned how to deal with loss, grief, anger, sadness, and every other emotion in between at the hands of those wonderful five men. My life has been truly blessed because I had each of them in it.



While I still miss them and still think about them daily I no longer feel like I am drowning in the pain of it all anymore. I can finally talk to their families without the five of them being the main and only topic of conversation. I can share stories about them again, and I can truly laugh, and feel OK laughing, at my memories.



Time did not heal me. I healed me. I am so proud of that. I feel accomplished and successful. I know that my friends would feel the same.



Though they are physically gone from me, they are all alive and well in my heart and I know deep within my soul that they are watching over me.



I miss you my friends.


Thank you for loving me.



"Do not stand there at my grave and weep;

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn's rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush,

I am the swift uplifting rush

of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand there at my grave and cry;

I am not there. I did not die."

-Gwydion





Video: Remy Zero - Perfect Memory.