Saturday, April 28, 2007

Its Lonely at Home

Its been awhile since I have written really anything worth reading…I’ve had some fun on my blog for the past few weeks and its been nice to just have a place to laugh and be silly with so much chaos going on in my little world. To be honest, the silly little videos just provide a much needed distraction from the thoughts that are running around rampant in my brain right now. I really need to get them out of me, so in no particular order…


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The financing has been approved. The legal papers have been signed. The mortgage is FINALLY finished. When I started this insanely complex process back in the beginning March I thought the day would never come. I thought I would be carrying my briefcase full of papers that needed to be faxed to every one in god’s creation for the rest of my life. Closing date is May 1st and then Lance and I will be officially the owners of our new home *smiles happily*


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My sister with Multiple Sclerosis, Kim, had a cat scan/MRI done in April that showed the plates on her brain were back – though not any where near what they were a year ago – they are still back. Kim has been complaining about her left eye going “splotchy” and her left hand going “retarded” again. She is moving this weekend. The divorce between her and her husband, Chad, is proceeding and their home has been sold. For the first time in her life my sister will be living on her own, on the opposite side of the city, with her 18 month old baby boy, Ty.



In March my sisters new boyfriend, Kenton, had spent the night at Kim’s house. Around 4 am he woke up to find my sister not in bed. He figured she was checking on Ty so he got up to see if she needed help with anything (I like her new boyfriend, he is proving himself to be a wonderful man) and instead of finding Kim in Ty’s room, he found her unconscious on the bathroom floor. Similar episode’s have happened twice since then.



The idea of my sister living alone with an 18 month old child is terrifying to me. I asked her to install lifeline into her rental home. She would have to wear a little “call button” type thing, but at least help wouldn’t be too far away. As it is, the distance between my new home and her new home is about a 40 minute drive. If she goes down at 4 am and Kenton isn’t there, who’s going to know? What will happen to Ty? I am REALLY worried about this, and every time I bring it up to my sister she shuts me down. She doesn’t want to hear it. She is excited about living on her own for the first time in her 28 year existence. I understand her excitement, but I also think she is freekin crazy for intentionally putting her child and herself at risk.



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My dad is by all appearances doing fine. My sister told me that the infectious disease team has cleared him and pronounced that the bacterial meningitis is out of his system. The ENT specialist is still working with my dad to try to avoid surgery on his ear, which is where/how the meningitis was caused. I have had very limited contact with him. When I was in the hospital he came to see me, but not once during the 4 hours he stayed with me at the hospital did he ask me anything about how I was feeling, what the prognosis was, NOTHING, it was all about him as usual. It hurt, but it re-affirms my position that I am better off without him. I haven't spoken to him since I was released from the hospital.


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My health is all over the board. My INR (international numeric ratio) that determines how thin my blood is has been as low as 0.6 and as high as 8.1 within the same week. A therauptic level while on blood thinners is somewhere in the range of 2.0 – 3.0. I have hit 2.2 twice in a month, otherwise it just goes all over the place, giving me a different number every day when my blood work is done. I have to go to the IV clinic and get vitamin K injections when it goes above 4.0. I have to get my blood drawn daily. I have to take warfarin (Kumadin) daily. And I am still on the pain killers for all the useless good they are doing. I am in constant pain and this whole situation is just getting old.



Work is trying so hard to be tolerant and accommodating. They set me up with VPN access from home so I am able to work in bed, and while I accomplish a lot more work without all of the distractions og being in the office, I find myself seeking distractions. I’ll turn my home computer on and chat on messenger, I’ll go play canasta online, I am becoming a DR. Phil addict. It’s lonely at home.



I need the narcotic strength painkillers to make a dent in how uncomfortable I am and I just don’t feel that its ethically right to go to a work environment blitzed out on drugs – needed or not, so I am spending most of my days at home with my laptop working….well, that and the other reason I don’t like going into work right now… I can’t wear a bra at the moment, every time I try to put one on I scream. Tight annoying things squeezing your lungs isn’t comfortable when you have clots in them, so I feel like a skid row transient when I go to work without wearing one…. I know its stupid, but it is what it is.


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Lance’s beer league hockey team has made it into the playoffs (lord help me) and they will be playing 4 rounds if they make it to the finals. All the rounds are best of 5 games. So far his team has played 2 games in the first round and won both of them, so one more win and his team is on to round 2. His extracurricular hockey won’t be done before the NHL playoffs are. I can’t believe it. Then to make it even more entertaining to think about…if his team makes it to the finals, they will only have THIRTY DAYS before the new season starts for the following year. (OMFG. Shoot me now.)



Lance caused me quite a scare, a few weeks ago he got hurt playing hockey. He phoned me from the ER and said “I’m ok, don’t panic”…so of course, I panicked. He told me that he got a high stick across his cheek and that it was going to need stitches. He came home from the ER later on with 6 glaring blue stitches and eyes that were already beginning to swell and bruise. The next morning he could barely open his left eye. It was a wonderful shade of black, that turned purple, then green, then a really ugly blue, then yellow and now the bruising is gone and the stitches are out and he’s ok, not that he wasn’t ok before...but still. I thought my heart was going to stop beating when he said “I’m ok, don’t panic”. I have now laid down a “you put a bloody visor on your helmet or you don’t get to play” rule. He always bitched about how much he hated the visors blah blah blah…and ironically, now that he has a good one that doesn’t fog up, he actually loves it. *sighs* men…At least he’s getting me prepared for what the life of a hockey mom could be *lol*


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Ever since I ended up in the hospital the distance between lance and I has grown. I have to sleep in the spare bedroom because I can’t fully lay down and that is the only bed with a headboard tall enough to prop 6 pillows up behind me to get me at a 45 degree angle. I miss sleeping beside him. I miss reaching out in the middle of the night and knowing that he is there. I miss cuddling with him and talking with him before we go to sleep. I miss the snuggle time with Ringo and Pandora as we all just lay in bed and love each other a little before we go to sleep. I miss SEX. I miss Lance. I hate this. Every night he comes to tuck me into what we are calling “the pillow throne” (I’ll take a pic of it tomorrow *lol*) and he rubs my back and kisses me and tells me that he loves me, wishes me sweet dreams and then goes to OUR bedroom and has snuggle time with Ringo and Pandora. I am left all alone in the other room. It’s lonely at home.


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Wednesday, April 11, 2007

In-Law Difficulties

How do you deal with a loved one’s family member who has been deeply hurt by their actions?


As I wrote earlier last week, Lance’s Dad and Sister were coming to Edmonton for Easter. Lance and his sister Tammy had made plans for them to stay with us and for the 2 of them to spend some time together.


Lance and I spent the better part of a week getting our house completely spotless and the guest room and bathroom immaculate with personal touches that Lance figured Tammy and her boyfriend, Eddie, would need/want/appreciate.


Tammy & Eddie arrived on Friday afternoon and went directly to Terry’s house (the local sister) and proceeded to get themselves STUPID drunk for the next 3 days. Every day we would go over to Terry’s and hang out ~ basically watch them drink themselves into oblivion ~ and every day Lance would try to solidify plans with his sister and every day Tammy would stand Lance up at the last minute.


Tammy and Eddie don’t have a computer at their home. They are always complaining that they never get in on the “family emails” because they don’t have email, so I decided that I would GIVE them my other computer. It’s a great machine that is completely set up with everything they need ~ mouse, keyboard, 19” monitor, DVD/CD Burner, surround sound speakers, Windows XP Pro, Corporate Virus/Firewall, Windows Office, Microsoft Outlook, Wireless Nic Card, 1 GB of RAM, 2.4 GHz, high speed/cable ready…as I said, it would give them everything they need.


I spent $1100 on that computer about 2 years ago. Lance and I have it connected to our network, but it is rarely used so I spent Friday morning wiping the hard drive, reformatting everything and getting it all cleaned up for them ~ do you have ANY idea how GROSE it is when you remove the hard drive cover and blow the dust out?!*ugh* ~ anyway…we went to Terry’s on Friday and told them that we had a computer for them and that they could pick it up from our place sometime that weekend. They went home on Monday morning. It is now Wednesday and the computer is STILL sitting on my floor where it was put after it was all disconnected and cleaned up.


Tammy proceeded to spend the entire weekend bitching about “how nice it must be to have a new car” and “how nice it must be to afford to buy a house” and that “Lance has definitely picked a girl with a rich family” and blah blah blah.


I’m sorry but I DO NOT FEEL GUILTY for the things Lance and I have been able to achieve together. I REFUSE to feel guilty because my parents offered to give us a down payment for our mortgage (and yes, we have to pay them back) which enabled us to get what they call a ‘wholesale mortgage interest rate’ (5.1% instead of the 6.25% being currently offered by most banks here)


Lance’s Dad was REALLY pissed off that we took the money from my parents. He had the gall to tell Lance that Lance shouldn’t be discussing finances with anyone outside of HIS family. Well here’s a news flash. I AM HIS FAMILY TOO. I was so freekin annoyed. His dad doesn’t have a pot to piss in and has claimed bankruptcy TWICE. Tammy has claimed bankruptcy. Terry came close to claiming it but was spared somehow at the last minute. EVERY PERSON in Lance’s family has been a financial and credit disaster. WHY would Lance go to them for advice?!?!?!!?


When Lance and I first got together Lance was on the brink of fucking up his credit rating REALLY badly. With the help of my step dad Lance managed to save himself and his credit rating which is helping to enable us to have the things we are purchasing.


Needless to say, Tammy and Eddie didn’t stay a single night with us. Lance’s dad didn’t leave Terry’s couch ~ curling and hockey were on *rolls eyes* ~ and Lance is fucking heartbroken.


On Sunday, after listening to Tammy and Lance’s Dad bitch, moan, whine and complain for 2 full days, Tammy actually did something that stunned me. She looked at Lance and said “your ex girlfriend Carmen was asking about you. I told her you were still with her (with a withering look at me) but that you didn’t seem all that happy. I gave her your cell number. She is thinking about moving back to Edmonton and told me to tell you she misses you”


OMFG.


To Lance’s credit he didn’t even bat an eye, he just told Tammy that he IS in fact VERY happy and that he has NO desire to communicate with Carmen let alone get back together with her…to the lack of my credit, well, I fucking snapped. Before I could say anything that I would regret, I went into the house, grabbed the car keys, thanked Terry for dinner, hopped in the car and proceeded to start driving away. Lance came barreling down the driveway after me and hopped in the car beside me, grabbed my hand and said “c’mon love, lets go home, this is just fucking ridiculous”


Sunday night he broke down and was in tears. He was racking with sobs. It broke my heart. I don’t understand WHY his family would do that to him. He has such a gentle soul. He wears his heart on his sleeve. He would do anything to help someone he cares about. I don’t understand what provoked Tammy and his Dad to make him some proverbial whipping boy this weekend.


He was looking so forward to them coming. All he can do now is cry about the lack of caring they showed to him.


How do I help him?

The Phone Call

Tammy phoned this morning around 10:30 am, long after she knew Lance would be gone to work. We talked for about 2 hours (its 12:43 pm and I just got off the phone with her) and we cleared the air.


Mischi, you were right in your comment, not that any one else was wrong, when you said that I have always liked her. Tammy and I have always gotten along fabulously, but as Tammy told me this morning, we are very similar personalities and she always felt it was an explosion waiting to happen.


Anyway, the gist of it all is this. Lance’s Mom died when he was 20 years old (so 14 years ago). Before she passed away Lance had already moved out of the house and was living with Tammy and her ex-husband Scott. Tammy felt she was Lance’s Mom. Tammy felt and still feels responsible for Lance and his happiness and his misery. Tammy is having a hard time “letting go” of the fact that Lance is not a 20 year old kid anymore and he is no longer reliant upon her to make decisions with his life. She compared it to losing her mom all over again.


Right or wrong, understandable or not, Tammy was and still is, quite hurt by the fact that as soon as Lance left Grande Prairie and moved to Edmonton on his own his life seemed to just start getting better. He met me within a year of moving back here, got a fabulous job at a company that treats him amazing, was able to fix the mistakes on his credit rating, and is now able to purchase the things he wants and imagines for his future. It was “killing” Tammy (her words, not mine) that Lance was able to accomplish those things without her…and to make matters worse, she felt he had replaced her with me.


She told me that she doesn’t hate me, she apologized for the cheap shot of using Carmen as a dig, and she told me that she does in fact want me with her brother. She said “lets face it Kris, you are the best thing that’s ever happened to him” and with that, it was my turn to be speechless.


I have always felt that Lance was the best thing that has ever happened to ME. Lord knows the year I have put that man through with everything my crazy Italian family has gone through, and the horrendous things my real family has gone through…well, it took a man with a deep soul and strong love to stick it all out.


I told Tammy that. I told her everything that she had instilled in her brother. The simple kindnesses he does, the depth of his compassion and caring, the true strength of his love for his family. Lance’s sisters are an integral part of who he is today and Tammy has never heard it vocalized. She took on the “Mom” role to her baby brother (Tammy is the middle child, turning 39 this year, so there is 5 years between her and Lance) when she was also in the process of losing her mom to a debilitating cancer.


Lance’s Dad disappeared from all of their lives when Lance was about 11…maybe 12…needless to say, his Dad wasn’t there when Lance started becoming a man so Lance’s sisters (and mom) taught him how to be a good, solid, kind, and caring one. For that I am eternally grateful.


Tammy was scared that Lance was “rushing” things and “getting tied down too soon” into a life of bills, monotony and a pseudo “married life” with me. Well, to a point I can see her point.


Lance and I will be together for TWO years in June. Did we “rush” into our relationship and the levels we hit together so soon into it? Definitely. We were living together in the home we just bought in August, yes folks, that’s two months after we started dating. Did we make a mistake in “rushing”? Absolutely not. We are as happy together today as we were on our first date. When things click, they just click.


So, after I told Tammy what kind of man he is and how thankful I am to both of his sisters for helping him turn into that kind of man, she broke down into tears and thanked me. All she needed to know was that her brother, her baby as she calls him, has the tools, skills, and maturity to deal with the next stage of his adult life.


I apologized for calling her a meddling alcoholic bitch, and she apologized for telling Lance to dump me. (I told you I lost my cool on Sunday before I got in the car to drive away *lol*)


At the end of the call we were both back to normal; laughing, talking, plotting, and planning…things are going to be ok. She is going to call Lance tonight and apologize to him for hurting him and for disappointing him. Knowing the man he is, as soon as he hears those words from Tammy this whole Easter weekend disaster will just blow right over.


Thanks for your advice and support my friends. I appreciate you all.


*hugs*


Kris.

Thursday, April 5, 2007

Taking a moment...

...before the insanity that is my (future) in-laws sets in.

Lance's dad and GF are coming in from Kimberly BC. Lance's sister, boyfriend, and 2 kids are coming in from Grande Prairie. Lance's other sister, boyfriend and 2 kids that live locally dont have the room necessary to put up 6 people so we are taking at least 2.

I am hopeful that we will "get" his sister and boyfriend from Grande Prairie. Tammy and I have SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much fun together. She is completley laid back and totally non demanding. Her boyfriend is kind of...obnoxious...and I have trouble tolerating him when he drinks...but its only for 3 days.

Lance's dad and GF on the other hand....well...yea. The less said, the better. Enough said.

I've tried to clean up the house this week. I've tried to get the spare bedroom ready. I've tried to get organized and clean up the PILES of crap that Lance is determined to spread throughout the entire bloody house...but I just simply havent had the energy to do it all. Lance has watched hockey every night this week, and played hockey twice this week. Instead of helping me clean up the house at night, he has watched tv, gone out, or, napped. Now he is pissy and running around the house freakin out at how "messy it is"...he had the balls to say to me "what the fuck have you been doing all day?! you are home all day, why isnt it clean?!"...omfg...

I am still sleeping in the spare bedroom because I am able to prop myself up on about 6 pillows and use 4 others as "arm rests" so I can get somewhat comfortable through the night (and day) when i am "confined" to bed, and now I am being "forced" to go back to the bed I share with Lance. I dont know if either of us is going to be able to sleep.

He flops like a fish out of water. Everytime he moves I have to bite back a screech of pain. I brought up the air mattress and put it at the foot of our bed...I think its going to be a LONG long weekend.

I am still getting my blood tested daily. I have a standing requsition and I have to be one of the first appointments of the day so the test results will get back to my DR the same day...so its up at 5:30 am every day to get to the lab for 6 am. I wonder how our house guests are going to like that.

Im not allowed to drink so I cant "get festive" with Tammy and Terry. I am not allowed to eat chocolate so I cant even participate in the "egg hunt". Im whiney. I wanna go to my moms and hide until the weekend is over.

Happy freekin Easter.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

New Authors I've Found

I am always on the hunt for new authors. I read like a fanatic, for some reason I can’t seem to fall asleep unless it is with a book in my hand… we wont talk about how annoying that is for Lance…


I posted a “give me authors” blog a little while ago and I wanted you to know that I have had some success with finding some.


I seem to be into this comedy murder mystery phase. I go to sleep laughing every night reading these books…and we wont talk about how annoying that is for Lance either…*lol* so without further ado, here are my thoughts on what I’ve read so far…


Author: Janet Evanovich – The “Stephanie Plum” murder mystery series is by far the most entertaining series I’ve started reading. Her characters pop and they are all lively and life like. It’s an ongoing series with 15 books to it so far, so if you are looking for a new saga to get into, give this one a try, you won’t be disappointed.

My Personal Rating: ****

Janet Evanovich’s website: http://www.evanovich.com/novels.html


Author: Joanne Fluke – Her books are deliciously deviant. Hannah Swenson is a lean mean murder mystery solving baking machine!! The characters are well developed and quite amusing. There are 11 books to this on going series. The fact that every book comes with tons of recipes makes this series a total winner.

My Personal Rating: ****

Joanne Fluke’s Website: http://www.murdershebaked.com/


Author: Joan Hess – The “Arly Hanks/Maggody” series is by far one of the best I have read. Every single character in the town of Maggody is extremely well developed and without a doubt completely hilarious, if not a touch insane. The things that this town, and the people that live there, get into will keep you laughing and wanting more. There are 15 novels in the ongoing Maggody series.

My Personal Rating: ****

Maggody Website: http://www.maggody.com/


Author: Joan Hess – The “Claire Malloy” series is just as well written as the Maggody series. Claire is a small business owner who constantly finds herself in the middle of all kinds of entertaining, if not life threatening, situations. This series offers up fabulous characters and great plots. With 16 books to dive into with this ongoing series, they are definite winners!

My Personal Rating: ****

Joan Hess List of Books Website: http://www.fantasticfiction.co.uk/h/joan-hess/


Author: Laura Levine – there are 8 books to this series so far that revolve around the character “Jaine Austen”. While Jaine has a very dry and hysterically funny sense of humor, (I promise you will laugh out loud reading these books!!), the series seems to lack….something. While the books are fun and fast reads, they are very similar. The plot doesn’t seem to vary much. The characters aren’t as well developed as the other mystery writers I’ve read. They just lack…something…to me.

My Personal Rating: **

Laura Levine’s personal website: http://lauralevine.com/


Those are all I’ve had a chance to read (not bad…65 books *lol*) since the last request for Author’s. I am in the process of reading series’ by Authors: Barbara Colley, Kate Collins, and Anne George. I’ll let you know how they turn out.

Secrets to Serenity

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The Secret of Serenity.

A Heron stands in the blue estuary, Solitary, white, unmoving for hours. A fish! Quick avian darting; The prey is captured.



People always ask how to follow Tao. It is as easy and natural as the heron standing in the water. The bird moves when it must; it does not move when stillness is appropriate.



The secret of its serenity is a type of vigilance, a contemplative state. The heron is not in mere dumbness or sleep. It knows a lucid stillness. It stands unmoving in the flow of the water. It gazes unperturbed and is aware. When Tao brings it something that it needs, it seizes the opportunity without hesitation or deliberation. Then it goes back to its quiescence without disturbing itself or its surroundings. Unless it found the right position in the water's flow and remained patient, it would not have succeeded.



Actions in life can be reduced to two factors; positioning and timing. If we are not in the right place at the right time, we cannot possibly take advantage of what life has to offer us.



Almost anything is appropriate if an action is in accord with the time and place. But we must be vigilant and prepared. Even if the time and the place are right, we can still miss our chance if we do not notice the moment, if we act inadequately, or if we hamper ourselves with doubts and second thoughts.



When life presents an opportunity, we must be ready to seize it without hesitation or inhibition. Position is useless without awareness. If we have both, we make no mistakes.


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I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it -- I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.



Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know -- but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.



However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.


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To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind;

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet;

To make all your friends feel that there is something in them;

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true;

To think only the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best;

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own;

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future;



To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile;

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others;

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear; and too happy to permit the presence of trouble;

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words, but in great deeds;



To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you.


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I find what I look for in people. If I look for God, I find God. If I look for bad qualities, I find them. I, in a sense, select what I expect, and I receive it.



A life without challenges would be like going to school without lessons to learn. Challenges come not to depress or get me down, but to master and to grow and to unfold thereby.



In the Father's wise and loving plan for me, no burden can fall upon me, no emergency can arise, no grief can overtake me, before I am given the grace and strength to meet them.



A rich, full life is not determined by outer circumstances and relationships. These can be contributory to it, but cannot be the source. I am happy or unhappy because of what I think and feel.



I can never lose anything that belongs to me, nor can I posses what is not really mine.



To never run from a problem: either it will chase me or I will run into another just like it, although it may have a different face or name.



To have no concern for tomorrow. Today is the yesterday over which I had concern.



To never bang on a closed door: Wait for it to open and then go through it.



A person who has come into my life has come either to teach me something, or to learn something from me.


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As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that was supposed to never let you down probably will.



You will have your heart broken, probably more than once, and it's harder every time.



You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.



You'll fight with your best friend.



You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.



You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.



So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.



Find a person who calls you beautiful instead of hot; who calls you back when you hang up on them; who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.



Wait for the person who kisses your forehead; who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats; who holds your hand in front of their friends.



Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much they care about you and how lucky they are to have you. Wait for the one who turns to their friends and says, "…that's the one."


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Sooner or later, you start taking yourself seriously.

You know when you need a break.

You know when you need a rest.

You know what to get worked up about and what to get rid of.

And you know when it's time to take care of yourself, for yourself.

To do something that makes you stronger, faster, more complete.

Because you know it's never too late to have a life.

And never too late to change one.




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Tuesday, April 3, 2007

I've Been...

A Bad Bad Girl.

I managed to break EVERY SINGLE one of my "do not do" (blah blah ) measures from my DR today.

I went swimming!!! ~ I dont even feel guilty. It felt so damn good, despite the fact that gasping for breath in a cute one peice is sooo not sexy.

I used my Eliptical for 15 minutes ~ felt like I was going to die and it took me 45 minutes with my stalker (aka oxygen tank) to get back to normal...but still...

I had a HUGE mixed GREENS chicken salad for lunch!! ~ WITH Olive Garden Salad Dressing!!! ...totally a no no...but soooooooo worth it. Why do you always crave the things you are NOT allowed to have?!?! I've been totally dying for a salad since they told me I could no longer eat them.

I had a GINORMOUS hunk of steak for dinner smothered in BBQ sauce with a baked potato covered in butter, chives and bacon bits...mmmmmmm....some things are just worth taking the health risk for! Medium Rare Red Meat is one of them.

I didnt sleep.

I didnt take it easy.

I didnt lay in bed and read.

I sat in my computer chair and played Canasta for a few hours instead.

I vaccuumed my house instead.

I carried finished laundry (yep, that I did today!) up and down 3 flights of stairs.

I didnt take one damn percocette. (though that is going to change in about 2 minutes)

I smoked cigarettes (yes, thats plural) and enjoyed every last blissful bloody drag.

I've been a Bad Bad Girl.